"Trickery and treachery are the practices of fools that have not the wits enough to be honest."
- Benjamin Franklin

Okay, I'm back to being public.
A lot has transpired since I last posted.
Those of you that still read here...all two of you, lol...will note that some of the things I've written in the past have since been deleted, for obvious reasons. No sense in asking for more difficulty in my life than I already have, if ya know what I mean.

Sadly, the couple I am staying with, have parted ways.
Needless to say, it didn't go very well.
And that's all I'm gonna say about it publicly.

I'm going to get back to...or should I say, restart the 365 days of Grace...tomorrow. lol.
Hopefully, I will be able to stick to the commitment of it this time without any outside interference.

Hope everyone is well and happy:)

“Sometimes we reach the boiling point before we realize that the stove is on. Become aware of your feelings - keep your eye on the stove.”
- Karen Dougherty


The amount of crazy going on inside my head these days...is unebelievable even to me...and it's my head and my crazy! Which is why I haven't been around in however many days.


I look backwards in life to learn from mistakes and sometimes to remember the lessons learned. I mostly find myself looking back, questioning whether or not there were 'red flags' that I missed, be it out of sheer stuipidity or my own ridiculous blinders. What I sometimes find...is that there weren't just 'red flags'...there were huge, flashing red neon signs. I think I may have said this before. What I'm trying to figure out now, is if there are 'red flags' and/or neon signs...are they in reference to others or are they trying to tell me that I'm the one that's not as ready as I thought I may have been for change. I have been trying to gather my thoughts for awhile now...well, however long since my last post. Still working on it. I don't know who confuses me more...other people...or me. lol.
Either way...this is me, trying to keep my eye on the stove.


I have been keeping up with my 365 days of grace though, writing them down at the end of each day and they've waited patiently to be posted.

So, here goes...


6 things for 2/17:
1) My Mom finally found an orthepedic surgeon to repair her torn rotator cuff. I cannot believe how long she has waited, enduring the pain.
2) Although the divorce papers are in hand(s)...neither my brother nor SIL have signed them yet...and I've heard they've been 'talking' an awful lot lately. I hope it works out for all involved.
C) New foster puppy Tessa's infection wasn't so bad that she had to be put down!
4) My niece, Petunia, made the National Honor Society.
5) My nephew,Qman, won a most important soccer game.


2/18:
1) I found a new candle scent that I can actually smell! I threw the dang box out though, so I don't know the name of it! lol.
2) Little Warrior's scans came back clean! Best news I've heard in '09 yet! YAY!
C) Strawberry Jello. I could taste it and whatever red dye is in it...I'm not allergic too!
4) My tax guy offered to do my taxes for free! (I'm hoping this isn't because he thinks I'm gonna owe again this year! lol.)
5) One of my friends found the movie "Michael" on DVD for me. I have been looking for this DVD for a long, long time!


2/19:
1) Daisy may be coming to FL with me for a little bit this summer.
2) Bonnie Hunts 'Courtroom TV word of the day'...cracks me to hell up!
C) Shrimp Scampi. Yummyfreakinyum!
4) Came across another dear, dear friend from the old days. Can't wait to catch up.
5) I got a non-allergenic pillow case and it really seems to make a difference!


2/20:
1) Foster Kitty, HunnyBunny, is finally coming out of her shell and socializing. This will make it much easier to find her a forever home.
2) Jeanne got to try her wedding dress on at her parents house after work...and although I didn't get beautiful/prompt cell phone pics...I'm beyond happy that she has finally found the love she has always deserved!
C) Wheel of Fortune...I watch it every day that I can...and I feel my Nana right beside me, watching it with me. I love that feeling.
4) Although I was very dismayed when the dogs chewed up my favorite "Cancer Sucks" winter cap...they spared my Iowa HAWKEYES cap!
5) I got to have a good, long conversation with TexasKelly, who I'm gonna have to start calling WisconsinKelly now. I miss being able to hang out with her...but love the security that we're always 'here' for eachother. Our brains and way of thinking were cut from the same mold in any/every aspect possible. Yes, that means she has the same brand of crazy!


2/21:
1) Matthew won his baseball game!
2) Nicholas got a base hit just for me!
C) Excedrin PM's really, really work!
4) Oh! I forgot this one from back in the beginning of February! Stump, a 10 year old Spaniel sussex won the Westminster Dog Show!
5) The new Pup-Peroni dog treat commercials, the ones with the dogs holding signs in their mouths. I.love.them! This is what made me remember that I didn't post about Stump.


2/22:
1) And another one I forgot about!!! Beth got a new car! I cannot think of another person that deserved this more than her! I hope it is just the beginning of many more blessed things to come for/to her!
2) Fresh Results Natural kitty litter. It's cheap at Wal-mart and works better than any litter I've ever used for all the kittys before. Seriously, this stuff rocks!
C) Heath Ledger won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. It was very well deserved...and I'm not just saying that because of the little heel click he does when jumping off the sidewalk, dressed in the nurses uniform.
4) Sean Penn's Oscar for Best Actor acceptance speech.
5) Dustin Lance Black's Oscar for Best Original Screenplay acceptance speech. I sincerely, hope that Sean and Dustin were, at the very least, able to open one pair of eyes and/or heart about what equal rights should really be.

2/23:
1) The Excedrin PM's work so well, that I haven't clenched my jaw while sleeping for three days now. This really, really helps cut down the never-ending pain that my rotten teeth cause.
2) I dream of Jeanne. Brings back memories.
C) Two of my friends that have been feuding for almost 2 years now, have finally started to find their way back to being friends again!
4) The Jack Bauer hour rocked. I have officially been sucked into the 24 black-hole.
5) Finally, finally, finally....some warm freakin' weather!

2/24:
1) One of the girls from my cancer group has been dancing with NED for her 5th offical year!
2) Ozwald is fitting in with the pack here splendidly. If I can't keep him, I am so very thankful that he can and will stay here.
C) One of my dear friends, that didn't actually start dating another friend but was spending a lot of time getting to know him...found out some not so good things about him and is wise enough to stop it before it got started. Speaking from experience, most women aren't so wise. She deserves the best and I'm glad she's holding out.
4) Foster puppy Count Basie got adopted!
5) I had a long, long hot bath!

2/25:
1) I got a surprise trouble sleeping/good night call from a very tired Nicholas!
2) I should apply for a job at the Psychic Network...or play the lottery I guess.
3) Spring has sprung...the frogs are chirping their beautiful songs non-stop. Yes, I know that they are really just calling for mates. That's another reason I love it and them! lol.
4) Three words: Thunderstorm. Good sleep.
5) Falling asleep while listening to the wind chimes!

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time."
- Abraham Lincoln (attributed)

One night, I got to see a beautiful, yellow-orange lunar planet in ALL its glory.
My all-time favorite reality show, the one that involves immunity idol's... started again.
I got some *fresh*, very tasty lunch meat that starts with the letter P...it's been a long time since I've tasted that and it's one of the few things I can taste...so YAY!
I found out that one of my very dear friends, had her third healthy daughter! The world will be a better place because this woman is procreating!
One of the temporary canine residents here was adopted out again. She went through some very, very serious medical issues after she was born and although she survived, is a special needs canine which is why I used the word "again". I believe the third time is a charm and that these people will be exactly what she needs.
Semi-nude internet web-cam visual and audio relations with you know who! Yee-freakin-haw!
One of the permanent canine residents here that is the epitomy of a one-person-dog...finally broke down and had a little awesome tug-o'war-woobie time with me...I guess all the treats finally got through!
The temperature was finally such that I didn't shake like a tamborine when I had to go outside.
I doubled up and had a nice day out with a great, great friend.
My favorite cousin, got the much needed medical attention she was requiring but couldn't afford. I found two very, very inexpensive, educational books for a very special birthday coming up for a little boy that's very special to me!
Somebody ordered a bottle of my favorite candy, that can only be found in up-state NY. It should be here some time next week. Hopefully I will still be able to taste it.
Someone that I have only had a professional relationship with for however many years now, just extended a hand of friendship via a very popular, addicting internet website. She is an awesome, awesome woman and I look forward to getting to know her better.
Although I paid the price of doubling up from the day before, I took a sleeping-pill and slept most of the day away.
The only other reality show I like to watch, which involves a looooot of traveling began again too. The swelling in my hands went down enough that I was able to paint my tootsies!
The dryer got fixed and I was able to catch up on my laundry.
One of my friends recently had her boobies squishded and sought my guidance in going forward with some suspicious spots...and I was able to help. No news yet, but I'm hoping this will soon be something else I'm able to be thankful about!
I was able to do something really, really nice for my daughter!
The wooden/barb-wire barricade that surrounds the property has finally been fixed...hence I will not be chasing down and trying to cajole any small equines back within the confines on a weekly basis. That gets real old...real fast! lol.
The really, really sick canine I've been caring for...is down to one nebulizer treatment a day! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!
I got a brand new pair of wonderfully warm jammie pants...which is a good thing since the damn temperature dropped again.
Someone gave me their copy of the 1st season collection of the gayguy/redheadedgirl show!
And finally...I'm so very, very thankful for all the people that take those goofy pictures of their felines and then post them with funny captions. I laugh for a good half-hour about those every day!

Well...I can't say that was fun...but it was definitely time-consuming! I look forward to all future lists being back to simple! I'll post todays list, tomorrow. :)

"Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears."
-Arthur Koestler

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."
- Saint Francis De Sales

Whew. Been awhile. I should probably add more quotes for each of the days I missed, but frankly...I'm too tired. I scribble down my 5 things each day, totally intending to get on here and type them...but it's been a rough few days, to say the least. That and the content of this post (aside from the 6 things) was started back on Wednesday night and it might get a little lengthy because I'm happily medicated and in a rambling mood. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Yeah, so I'm trying to remedy the fact that I have never been the most patient person (among other things I'm trying to remedy), whether it was waiting for something to happen or to try and make something happen.

There was a time when I didn't believe that all things could and would just happen...I thought one had to go out and put in the time and energy to make things happen, if they wanted it bad enough...and that the people that weren't willing to put in the time and energy, were lazy and must not have really, really wanted it.


Kinda throws a monkey-wrench into the whole "good things come to those who wait" theory though too, huh?!


Some times I have moments of weakness and just don't know what I believe anymore.

Has some cosmic force been in play these past few years? Taking away my ability to just go out and work for/get what I want? Is this why I've been on this you-have-no-other-option-but-to-remain-stationary-and-be-patient path?


The Twinkie-Twit is being a Twinkie-Twit once again.

I want to be back in Dubai with Ron and they boys. I want to be there to hug them and to try and comfort them. Not replace her, mind you. I already know from personal experience that I wouldn't ever be able to do that...but I'd love to just be able to hug them.
But, no. Here I am, thousands of miles away. And it stinks and it makes me sad.


What I do know, is that the last trip down the rabbit-hole was a bad trip. And I was very, very sad. And I got tired of being so very, very sad. And one of the reasons I started my blog...the 1st one that I had to abandon and this one...was so that perhaps if I'm gone someday and my daughter is forced to deal with the big "C" beast she could read my blogs...that somehow they might benefit her, maybe even help to guide her in the thousands of 'choices' that one has to make because of the big "C". Let her see that one has to fight with all they have but that's it's okay to also get tired, one can't help but get tired and weary and face the downside...wind up at the bottom of a very dark rabbit-hole. And I now hope, that she sees that one shouldn't stay down the rabbit-hole as long as I did, here as of late.

I've learned, and I hope to teach her, that we do what we have to do and that's all we can do sometimes...and that all we can really control is our thoughts and our actions.

This isn't to say that I'm not still struggling with some things inside my head...because I am...but outwardly...in order to not be at the bottom of the rabbit-hole anymore...I've got to change my actions in order to climb back up.

I cannot change my current situation, which is:
I'm back here in the Mid-west. And because I'm a sane, responsible adult...the financially responsible thing to do, is to stay here until the end of next summer. I'll join Ron and the boys down south at the beginning of summer when they come back to the states and then we will all return overseas again together.
I can see my primary doctor here in the states to get refills on the meds that I can...and that's it.
So getting most of the other meds is out of the question.
I have no health insurance, so getting anymore tests or scans is out of the question.
Because my house is gone, I'm staying with two friends who have graciously welcomed me to stay as long as necessary.
This means that because I live here with them, I do not qualify for any state assistance medically wise because of their combined income.
Which means that again...anymore tests and scans is out of the question.
My breast cancer was estrogen positive. The estrogen that my body naturally created fed the cancer...doubling it in size as quickly as possible.
Chemotherapy put me into menopause, as it is supposed to do.
No estrogen, meant that if/when cancer returned...at least it wouldn't have estrogen to fuel it.
My body did not tolerate the adverse effects of the first, shall we say, anti-estrogen drug they put me on to keep me in menopause.
The second drug...didn't do its job and I came out of menopause which is apparently a million to one odds. Lucky me.
And of course, my body didn't tolerate the adverse effects of the 3rd drug they put me on either.
What all of this means is that now the only way to keep my body from producing estrogen...would be to have a hysterectomy.
No health insurance and being unable to qualify for state assistance means that a hysterectomy is also out of the question.
The last test I had, was a tumor-marker test back in August...which was still just under the radar thank goodness.
When I was in the hospital back in August as well, I had a brain scan, which also came back normal, (if you can believe that!) again, thank goodness.
Other than that, my last cancer scans weres back in July of 2008.
So, essentially...I'm a ticking time bomb.
In addition to this, the price my body has paid from the Osteoporosis and Arthritis most of the meds caused can only be a little relieved from the pain killers that I'm still able to get because they are inexpensive.
Don't get your panties in a twist, you won't see me on Oprah someday.
I take one and half vicodin in the a.m. and one and a half in the p.m. and that's it.
They, at least help to take the edge off.
And when I really need/want to function and do something...I double up my doses in order to do so...and then the next day, I do without and pay the price for the fun the day before.
Although I've been advised to increase my daily dosage...I'm smart enough to know that one increase would eventually lead to another and another and so forth. Thankfully, I recognize that I have enough medical problems as it is and do not need to add addiction to the list.
Without the Osteoporosis drug...I can literally feel my body deteriorating more and more each day. Specifically my hips and hands. I can feel my hip bones grinding every day. Not only does it hurt...but it successfully gives one a substantial case of the heebie-jeebies! Blech.
Although I take calcium to help with the Osteoporosis every, single day and drink milk with every meal (not because I feel I have to, I have just always, always, always LOVED MILK!)...my
Teeth are massively deteriorating. Literally, disintegrating more and more...chipping away, causing fillings to fall out...cracking and breaking off piece by piece. I would say that if I'm not careful, I'll soon look like one helluva an old woman that lives in the sticks and has no knowledge that I'm actually living in the 21st century with real dentists and such and everything!...but I'm as careful as I can be...being very picky about what I eat, which has become mostly very, very soft foods.
Which is to say...they are beyond repair and dentures will eventually be in my future. Which I'm perfectly fine with. If it weren't for the Xylocaine Pump Spray, the mouth pain would have already driven me to either down the entire bottle of vicodin and/or pull the effing things out myself. Truth be told...I'm 40 years old now and I cannot wait for dentures. I very much look forward to never having mouth pain again.

So, to recap: I cannot change my physical whereabouts and I cannot change the fact that I'm currently a ticking time bomb.
And that is what got me so far down that damn rabbit hole.
Granted...in reality, nobody actually around me had knowledge of said rabbit-hole. I'm a fantastic actress when required. The RammerHammer knew...but that was it...and I wholeheartedly believe and know that I would still be down there if it weren't for the wisdom he so wonderfully shares with me and the unbelievable peace he brings me.

So...what I finally realized is that I need to get back to the old Peg.
The Peg that makes the best of whatever is.
If I cannot know where I stand medically speaking...than I have to not think about it period.
All I can do is live my life to the fullest in the here and now.
Doesn't mean that a small part of me isn't still sad about the things that I cannot change, of course, but I realize that I cannot dwell on that 24/7. It's not healthy...and it serves only to be miserable a lot of the time.
And if I cannot know where I stand medically speaking...if and when I'm faced with things going downhill again...than I would much rather the time prior to that have been as happy and memorable as possible.

So there ya have it. That's my crazy update. Can't say I'm necessarily being 'positive' about things. I'm just being thankful and grateful and happy with whatever is each day. I'm not letting my actions be influenced by my fears anymore.
Don't get me wrong...there are somethings or people, I should say, that are currently frustrating me to no end...and that will be another post. LOL. But I'm not letting that or them be the main point of focus in my daily being.

"Our attitudes control our lives. Attitudes are a secret power working twenty-four hours a day, for good or bad. It is of paramount importance that we know how to harness and control this great force."
- Tom Blandi

Forgive me, it's been a rough couple of days.

My 6 things from Monday:

1) The sick Hunter puppy is doing substantially better...finally!

2) Marshmellow toast! Yum.

C) I got back in touch with another long lost friend.

4) The boys each had a tooth pulled and handled it very, very well! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo-hoo!

5) I found $20 in my old winter coat! Whoo-hoo.

6) The people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or well on their way.


My 6 things from yesterday:

1) The wind finally died down enough so the satellite worked again and I didn't miss Ellen!
IheartEllen.

2) Sassafras got adopted! Yee-haw!

C) Although I don't have health insurance anymore, my doctor is researching a way for me to hopefully have some needed tests done.

4) I was able to stay awake long enough to watch NCIS...I'm officially hooked!

5) The puppies are almost house trained, this means less steam cleaning the carpet, and steam cleaning is very, very hard for me to do...so this is a great thing!

6) The people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or well on their way!


Todays 6 things:

1) The sun rose today and it was beautiful!

2) There was a wonderful, wonderful thunderstorm...and I had a wonderful afternoon nap!

C) I was finally able to make friends and win the trust of the Brown Tabby stray 'Garage' that nobody has touched for 6 years. Hopefully I will be able to post a picture of him soon...there is something really, really special about him!

4) The swelling in my hands has finally gone down enough and I can wear my rings again.

5) I got the garbage out to the dumpster before the trash truck came!

6) The people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or well on their way:)

"The best way out is always through."
- Robert Frost

Yesterdays 6 things:

1) I got to see not one, but two I Love Lucy episodes I had never seen before...and I thought I'd seen them all!

2) I got to refill some of my meds finally!

C) I have the greatest friends in the world.

4) Russell Stover Dark Chocolate Butter Cream candy...I can totally taste the cocoa! Yay!

5) Somehow or another, I got my laundry done...before the dryer stopped working!

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way!

"Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water. Be still and allow the mud to settle."
- Lao Tzu

Well, while the mud continues to settle and my crazy rests its weary way...it appears I have some catching up to do.

Thursdays 6 things:

1) I finally heard from my cousin and she's sober, safe and happy.

2) I got to Skype with TheRammerHammer and the boys! Yay!

C) One of the foster puppies got adopted!

4) I got some prime Coco The Cabana Boy time. (Perhaps he should be a permanent #7!)

5) It was warm enough to go outside in a short sleeve t-shirt!

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way.


Friday's 6 things:

1) I got four hours of consecutive sleep.

2) When the sattelite went out, I got to watch the first season DVD of Will & Grace. Which means I laughed. A lot.

C) The Hunter puppy is getting significantly better health wise!

4) I got a lot of paperwork done.

5) I doubled up my meds and had a nice dinner out with 2 great friends...and didn't get sick!

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way.


And since I'm on a roll...
Todays 6 things:

1) I got a much needed, good 2 hour nap in!

2) The swelling in my hands finally subsided a little.

C) I found a Christmas ornament that I remember having on our tree as a little girl and my Nana telling me the story about it. I can't wait to put it on a tree this year!

4) I got the unbroke, Houdini colt back into the pasture safely. Again.

5) I love when I get to see sleeping puppies dreaming!

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way!

"The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul."
- G.K. Chesterton

Another day... still a work in progress.
Off to the doctor today. Blech.

My 6 things from yesterday:

1) Puppies that are quickly picking up the art of potty training!

2) Hearing that although my brother is going through a divorce, my nieces are having a better family life without all of the yelling and screaming.

C) Dayquil...it numbs your throat instantaneously.

4) Pasta, doing a stomach right.

5) Warm weather is back!

6) That the people and animals that I love and care about are healthy, or on their way:)

"There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope."
~Baruch Spinoza

Okay, first up...my 6 from yesterday.
Ya'll are gonna be shocked when I catch up to myself and if you aren't...I will be.

Six things that I was grateful for and/or that brought me pleasure yesterday:

1) Coco the Cabana Boy. 'Nough said.

2) Got to spend the day with a great friend!

C) Having said that, it was nice to have some down time yesterday too, also known as my own private Hermit time. Got some serious thinking done.

4) The AT&T commercial where the guy drags his TV all over the house. This may have been exceedingly funny to just me... because of my meds.

5) The funny/semi-adult conversation I had with my daughter via test messaging. Again, this can probably be attributed to my meds.

6) That all of the people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or on their way.

So, about the quote.
I'm going to try and attempt to find some middle ground. I have a tendency to be an extremist. Not all the time or in every aspect one can think of... just certain areas. Some of the time, I believe this has saved me some grief...other times, I believe this has only served to cause myself more grief than necessary. I'm not fooling myself though, I know that I will find some middle ground and I also know that I will probably be an extremist in certain areas of my life...for the rest of my life. I guess only time will tell.

And time, along with fear and hope, is what the above quote is all about to me.
It feels as if I've been lost for a very long time now. Finding a bit of myself again, from time to time and getting more and more lost with every waking moment at other times. I've been bouncing myself back and forth and frankly, it's getting exhausting. I keep thinking that there has got to be a better way...but 'thinking', is as far as I've gotten. And me, being the most confilcted person I know...also knows that nothing will change if I don't change something. And to take my crazy one step further...what exactly am I going to change??? I haven't been able to put a definitive finger on it just yet. Hence, I'm starting little. Like with the 6 things each day.

Part of me, the old me that creeps through from time to time, wants to live life to the fullest again...and part of me...the reality of the me after cancer...feels like I'm stuck, standing in a pile of molasses. Physically, I want to do things I was able to do before, but I can't. I mean I can, to some degree, if I double up my meds...but I don't want there to have to be any freakin' meds. But there are meds and even doubling up, doesn't allow me to do everything I used to do. What's that old saying? "Of all the things I miss, I miss my mind the most." Yeah, I miss my thought process the most...which technically isn't all that much better now...just slower I guess. lol. Have I ever discussed my unwillingness to accept the things I cannot change on this blog??

Are you clueless now? That's to be expected...you don't live inside my head.
You should seriously consider putting that on your list of 5 things today!

Anyhoo...the reason that I started this blog, well, the BBM blog, was 1) to be an outlet for myself. Once I was diagnosed, my thoughts and head were swirling. I thought that by getting things out of my head it would help me to think more clearly. Yeah, that didn't happen. lol. 2) I also started it, in the event that my daughter may someday have to go through what I've been through..that perhaps, by chance, maybe at least one thing I've written will be able to help her. Of course, the conflicted crazy woman in me, doesn't ever want her to read a single, solitary word for fear that she may end up crazy like me. And 3) I thought that my writing might be able to help someone else, someone that's already sane and wouldn't have to worry about my crazy infecting them. lol.

Wow. Sure feels like I'm rambling and being very redundant.
So I think I will stop here. For today.
Hopefully, I will be back to post the 6 things for today.

"Most plans are just inaccurate predictions."
- Ben Bayol

Did I say I would post yesterdays 6 things later yesterday??
Yeah...'bout that...

I suck...but always in a really good way.

I got busy doing something that had to get done yesterday and didn't end up finishing until much later than planned and then promptly passed out.

Perhaps I should start posting two lists a day...one list for today and then tomorrow's list the day before...that way, I won't ever be late or miss a day! But, then would I technically be posting the same list twice or kinda keep them separate and technically be posting a total of 12 things instead?
And does all this leave you thoroughly confused???
Thanks to my meds, it made sense in my head before typing it...for about a minute...then I got lost. So if it didn't leave you confused...can you explain it to me???
Just kidding.
I guess I should just keep playing catch up whenever I miss a day.

So, I'll try again...

Six things that I was grateful for and/or brought me pleasure yesterday:

1) PB&J sandwiches that statistically have a greater chance of 'staying down' than not.

2) Meds that when doubled, allow me to do some things much later than originally planned.

C) My sanity and tempermant...have much improved over the years.

4) Nekkid Skype/marimba playing.

5) Liddo puppies.

6) That the people and animals that I love and care about are healthy or on their way to being healthy:)

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity."
- Lewis Grizzard

Yeah. It's the blocking that I defnitely seem to have issues with. LOL, but I'm workin' on it.

So, I'm bettin' you're thinking that I was at some kick-arse Super Bowl Party, got snot-slinging drunk and ended up puking my guts out behind a dumpster in an alley, eh?? And that will be my handy-dandy excuse as to why I didn't post my 6 things yesterday...am I right?? Well, you just take a step back and reholster your bitch-slapping hand thankyouverymuch. I can take a well deserved bitch-slap just as good as the next guy...but an unwarranted bitch-slap??? Let's just say the scrappy lil' evil P just might open a can of whoop-arse on ya. Or, at the very least...a really, really old can of tuna to scare you off.

What I'm gettin' at...is that I was down for the count most of yesterday. There was some puking my guts out involved...but it definitely wasn't worth it. No giddiness beforehand. What I mean to say is, Superbowl? What Superbowl??? The bad news is that The Cardinal's lost. The good news is that I didn't see it happen. The other good news is that apparently the commercials this year apparently left a lot to be desired, so I didn't miss much.

So, I'm going to post 6 things from yesterday right now and the ones for today...later...cause when it comes to drawing that line in the sand and staying committed...that's how I roll.

Six things I was grateful for and/or that brought me pleasure yesterday:

1) That the bathroom isn't clear across the other side of the house I'm staying at.

2) That I made the RammerHammer smile a little bit, even though he really didn't feel like it.

C) That when you're cold and trying to sleep...puppies and kitties can be warm blooded quilts.

4) That when called upon...some people step up to the plate and do what needs to be done.

5) That I feel better than I did yesterday.

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy;)

"Better Nate than lever."
- RammerHammer

Six things I am grateful for and/or bring me pleasure:

1) The 60 degree weather today! Yay!

2) The puppy is improving.

3) Popcorn and Corn Pops.

4) Old movies.

5) Catching up with Jeanne! It was long over due!

6) That all the people and animals that I love and care about are healthy:)

"Grace, go to bed. You obviously have had a very busy day of crazy."
- Will Truman, (Eric McCormack)Will & Grace



So, I was thinking about quotes having to do with grace. Some of you will know right where I'm going with this and the other two of you will, as you read on.


Anyhoo, I was originally going to use the following quote:
"We re all stumbling towards the light with varying degrees of grace at any given moment."
-Bo Lozoff


Because right now, it feels as if I'm stumbling (and at times, falling flat on my face!) with maybe...2 degrees of grace...and even that's high-balling it. So, I'm going to be a little selfish right now. I want more or at the very least, as much as I think I used to have.

Then I remembered the Will & Grace quote...specifically the part about "a busy day of crazy".
Although I obviously identify with both quotes, me being who I am, had to lead with the funny one.


Now, on to what the purpose of all this 'grace' talk is about.


























I first read about it at Lunasea's blog. I'm usually all about giving credit where credit is due...but I half-ass it when it comes to posting links. That being said, Lunasea's blog is in my sidebar...go there and you'll see the links to where she got it from.
Yes, Colleen...I'm using you. I bet ya feel all derty now, don'tcha?!?


Clearly, given the days since New Year's, I'm no good at all when it comes to being positive every single day.
Hence, I'm going to shoot for an unspecified amount of time each day...of being positive.

So I'm going to committ to this 365 days of grace in small things.
I am going to post 5 things every, single day.
These posts may or may not be accompanied by additional blogging and if I happen to miss a day for some unknown reason, I will post two lists as soon as humanly possible. When I say "miss a day", I mean due to illness, ice storms, etc. What I won't do...is not post because I don't feel like it or am having a negative day or whatever. No rinky-dink excuses...and if I ever try to, I want all four of you that still read my blog to virtually bitch-slap me. Kthanx.

In typical, complicated mybrandofcrazy fashion, listing 5 things every day isn't going to be easy. When I think about being grateful and thankful, I immediately go directly to the big things...like "I'm thankful and grateful that everyone I love and care about, is healthy". Here's where the crazy comes in: I'm gonna instinctively want this to be 1 of the 5 each time because I'm also a little on the superstitious side and if I list it once (and I have to, lol) than I feel like if and when I don't list it...something not-so-good will happen to one of them. I'm not talking in a catastrophic way necessarily, they could just stub their toe really, really bad. Yep. If that doesn't confirm I'm a kook, than I don't know what will.

So, in order to stick to the plan as close to 100% as I can, I'm going to list 6 things each day. I'm also going to go the same route as Lunasea. I'm going to list things I'm grateful for and/or things that bring/give me pleasure. I hear it takes 21 days to form a habit, be it a good or bad habit. And I'm the type of person that generally learns best via repitition, especially these days. Hence, I'm hoping this is a small step in the right direction, of getting my life back to where I want my life to be. I don't know, she explained all this much more eloquently than I ever could. Really, I urge you to go to her blog and read about it...it will make much more sense than I'm trying to make.

Without further ado...
The 6 things I'm grateful for or that bring me pleasure today:


1) That the whole Peanut Butter samaonella thing currently going on does not include actual jars of peanut butter. Peanut butter is one of the few things I can still taste and it would really stink if it was taken away, even if it would only be for a little while.

2) Neutrogena Facial Moisturizer. It's water-based and I detest greasy, oily based moisturizer.

C) Stephen Pinker. If it weren't for him and the brilliance he willingly shares with the world, the most amazing man I have ever known, might not be willing to buy my brand of crazy. I'm going to elaborate about this tomorrow if I can.

4) That Hunter puppy, the foster puppy here, that currently has a terrible case of pneumonia...is still alive and fighting and somehow knows I'm trying to help him when I shove my fingers down his throat in order to help him breath better.

5) Colleen...thank you so much for being the catalyst for me!

6) That all the people and animals that I love and care about...are healthy...or at least hopefully, on their way to being healthy again:)

"and the silent wind still blows,
that only she can hear,
And so, she goes."
- Doug Edwards and Dave Richardson

Someday, in this life or another, I hope I can find a way to understand myself as well as I understand animals.
After 40 years with little progress, that happening is highly unrealistic in this life.
These are the times that I dislike being realistic by nature.

"Men are respectable only as they respect."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, yesterday I began my fourth decade of life.
It was a good day.
I was able to Skype with R and we watched the Inauguration together.
Then my dear friend took Daisy and I out to dinner.
R sent me some awesome vegan treats, made by one of our very dear friends.
My dear friend gave me a beautiful sterling silver bangle with an Emerson quote inscribed on it, not the above quote, but another.
And Daisy gave me a wood wick candle...I love these candles, they crackle like a fire place...great to hear whilst falling asleep. Not falling asleep, as in sleeping all night and leaving the candle unattended of course...just a nap.

Anyhoo...the quote.
I'll preface the following by saying that I try not to judge people...and I think I'm pretty good at not doing so. I do not believe that I am better than others or above others. On the contrary, I know I'm crazy and that my warped way of thinking is crazy as compared to others. I do believe, however, in doing the 'right' thing and I don't believe that asking others to do the 'right' thing is ever too much to ask. Expecting others to do the 'right' thing...well, I get that that is foolish and only sets oneself up for disappointment. And letting people get away with doing the 'wrong' thing...well, I believe that that is setting oneself up for even more disappointment.

Something happened a couple of days ago, that I've felt very conflicted about ever since.
In one way, it seems petty and insignificant, because there are bigger fish to fry and in another way, it feels like a big deal to me...because respect is a very, very, very,very big deal to me.
Someone that R and I went to school with years ago, that we recently got back in touch with, *I feel*...crossed a line.
*I feel* that this person disrespected R, myself and 'us' as a couple...not to mention themselves in doing so, but I digress.
I loathe disrespectful people and classify them as stupid people because it doesn't take a college degree to know the difference between being respectful and being disrespectful.

R looks for the good in people and tries to draw it out...which, of course, he is very good at.
I believe that I also look for the good in people and try to draw it out.
R believes that people can do or make stupid mistakes/decisions and still be good people.
I agree...to some degree...because we are all individuals and what's right for someone else may not be right for me and visa versa...but I whole-heartedly do not agree when it comes to respect.
He believes in looking past the transgression, no matter what.
I believe in looking past some transgressions...however, disrepect is not one of them.

I spent many, many years essentially being a people pleaser, for lack of a better word.
People would do and say disrespectful things to/about me...and I kept my mouth shut. I went with the theory of 'forgive them for not knowing what they do'...blah, blah, blah.
After so many years, I came to realize that a majority of the time...people knew exactly what they were doing and did it anyway. I learned that some people are smart about being disrespectful and others are smart enough to play dumb about being disrespectful. I learned that people who disrespect others...are toxic people. I learned that by keeping my mouth shut...I basically gave them permission/free reign to do it, something similar or even worse to me...again. I learned that in regards to respect, we teach people how to treat us.
So I stopped keeping my mouth shut. I call people out...and I don't sugar-coat it.

It is not okay to treat people disrespectfully in any way, shape or form.
Millions of people know this. Millions of people respect themselves enough to make respecting others, a high priority on their list of life. Again, because it's not hard and one doesn't have to be rocket-scientist to do so.
I do not like when people disrespect me and I do not like when people disrespect the people that I care about. I do not like it when people disrespect me and/or the people I care about and it causes issues between me and the people that I care about. And I do not believe that not having any self-respect gives one a free-get-out-of-jail card for disrespecting others.

So, where it stands now is that R is apparently, a better person than I.
He believes in forgiving and forgetting...period.
And I wish I could be more like him.
I can forgive and forget...but I have already had enough toxic people in my life to fill two lifetimes over...hence, I forgive, forget and then you don't exist in my world anymore... because I will never, ever give you the chance to disrespect me again.
Of course, our very different views, makes it tricky for me to have someone not exist in my world anymore.
Which in turn, makes it very difficult for me to forget.
Disrespect leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. So when I see this person, see a picture of this person, hear their name or just think of the contact that R will still have with them...well, it just makes me cringe, gives me that eeeellllluuuuccchhhh feeling. It or they, as the case may be...irk me. It disgusts me, to know that they have ample opportunity...and even the potential in and of itself, to cause more discourse in our relationship...and that the odds are...that they will gladly take that opportunity again...only this time, behind my back more than likely.

R didn't feel disrespected to begin with by what this person did.
Me...it was a crappy feeling to have felt and still feel and I'd just as soon, not feel it again and give this person the chance and obvious pleasure of making me feel this way again.

I get that he didn't feel disrespected. I don't understand it, but I get it. As I said, I know we are all indiviuals, him and I included, and that we think and feel different things for different reasons.
Him not feeling disrespected by what this person did though...makes me feel crazy for feeling disrespected by this person and all the feelings that come with it.
Let me be clear...this has nothing to do with trust or my trusting or not trusting R.
I totally and completely trust R. I know that he loves me and would never betray my trust. I know that, with every ounce of my being.
The issue I have is with giving disrespectful people the potential and opportunity to cause R and I more grief in our relationship.
I am very good at screwing up my own relationships and do not require and/or want/need any outside help whatsoever.
Go ahead, remember the name of this blog is My Brand Of Crazy and shake your head, I'll wait.

So here I am. Confused and conflicted. Do I feel the way I feel because of my past experiences or do I feel the way I feel because this is just who I am as a person? And either way, does it matter? Either way, does that make me so wrong?
Don't get me wrong, I am not one that tends to let other people rent space in my head, nor do I carry around hate or whatever in my heart.
Like I said, typically, people don't exist in my world anymore. I don't waste any more precious time or my breath to, for, on or about them. I try to learn from the lesson and move on.
Is that wrong? Am I wrong? Is that the easy way out?
Those aren't rhetorical questions...although I'm not really asking either. I mean I am asking...but not you, I'm asking myself...and I know that they are questions, that given the circumstances, I can only answer for myself.
I know what my gut tells me to do and I know that when I don't follow my gut...I usually get exactly what I expected, but tried to deny...hence exactly what I deserve, with nobody to blame but myself at that point.
So my head, heart and gut are in a conflicted state of being...thus my brand of crazy gets crazier with each passing day.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."
- Gilda Radner


I don't know if I've already posted this quote on either blog...but man...I hope she is right.


My last quote and post was in reference to a couple of different things. Some of which I'm willing and not willing to discuss right now.


At any rate, yes, due to health and financial reasons, my stay in the states is being extended.
As you all can probably guess, I'm not exactly happy about this.
A part of me can't help but wonder if the reason that some of these things that are happening, are happening because for the sake of R and the boys, I shouldn't be there with them.


I can't say that I 100% support the theory that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that some things happen for a reason.
So, I get that sometimes, where ever we physically are in life, that *that* is where we are supposed to be at that time.


Having said that, I get that I am where I am right now for several reasons. I'm trying to help a dear friend with her rocky marriage right now, and it's better for her to be able to physcially get out of her house and hang with me from time to time. There are also relationship issues with the couple that I'm staying with...so I'm trying to help them as well, even though my past relationship history proves that I probably have no business trying to help anyone at all. The little puppy with pneumonia here, would have gone to The Bridge weeks ago, if I weren't here to be able to watch him like a hawk 24/7...among other reasons.



And although, I'm the first to admit that I'm the most contradictive person I know and that I'm okay with myself being the most contradictive I know...I really dislike being as contradictive about life as I am right now.

Forgive me if that made no sense whatsoever, my meds have officially kicked in. I hate, hate, hate all of these damn meds. I hate typing the words 'everything' and 'sometimes' and not instinctively knowing if I'm using them separately or together in the right damn context.


Anyhoo...I don't understand why situations and circumstances and life in general, always refuse to let me be, *where* *I'm* happiest...and the few times that it does/has...it's so effing shortlived. Why do things always have to be so effing complicated and difficult. Why don't things ever seem to effing work out. I know, that sounds so incredibly childish and selfish. I know that life isn't always fair but not always being fair and never effing being fair are two different things.

For the life of me, I can't figure out what to hell it is that I must have done so poorly or wrong in the past. At the very least, I'd like to apologize to whomever or for whatever it was that I did...not to mention, I'd rather not repeat whatever to hell it was, if it results in life now.

Ready for the next complicated contradictive me? (I say that as if you didn't get enough of it in what I already wrote.

In the same breath, I wholeheartedly know that we don't get what we deserve, we just get what we get.


Either way...I feel like the past 10 years have flown by and yet, here I still sit in Missouri (a.k.a. square one), yelling out into a pasture. Questioning wtf I'm doing here. In Missouri. On this planet. In this damn life.

Yep. I get it. I'm being unappreciative again about the blessings I have in my life. The people I care about are healthy and mostly happy. I still have a great daughter. R still wants to be and is an integral part of my life, although I don't know if that's always in his best interest. I hate that because the way my life always goes, that it sometimes makes R feel like he's failing me. He couldn't "fail me" if he tried. He's not that kind of man. He doesn't have that kind of heart. I hate that I'm not as strong as people think I am. I hate that I'm not always as strong as I want to be. I hate that when I'm not...it results in bringing him sorrow.
It makes me question if and whether or not I really know what love is and is all about.
If I love him, I wouldn't bring him any sorrow. People that say they love someone...don't do that to them. I know that.


Whatever. Clearly, I rambling and still probably making no sense.
So where do I go from here...I guess I just keep breathing, even when I don't want too.

On the good days, I'll try to make the best of things and keep trying this positive crap.
And on the bad days, I'll try to sleep through the fact that such is my life.

"How disappointment tracks the steps of hope."
- Letitia Landon

And scars solidify self-worth.
Yep, being positive didn't last very long.
I believe I was born in the wrong time, the wrong era and possibly the wrong world.
Such is life.

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”
-John Pierpont Morgan

So, it's a New Year and once again, I'm going to try this positive schmositive stuff.
As humans, I guess, it's just what we do.
Good days and bad days. Sometimes the days stretch into months.
And it's hard to see and remember that it's all about ebbing and flowing when you're deep into the bad days.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm over my little, pathetic pity party.
Yes, I'm aware of how pathetic I sounded and although I'm going to open the comments back up, I'd prefer no comments about the December posts if that's okay with you? Kthankyouverymuch.

I got my Christmas wish and then some.
No celebrating whatsoever.

I ended up in the hospital on Christmas Eve.
No immune system plus the nastiest flu bug I have ever had made for a holiday spent with doctors and nurses due to severe dehydration.

You ready for your first 2009 MyBrandOfCrazy funny moment?

I would have given both my arms for a toilet like this that night:
































But no, one toilet was it.
The funny part...well...I passed out and fell off the toilet. The Porcelain Goddess and I have been best friends for three years now, since chemo and all my meds mess with my stomach on a daily basis....but I can't say that that has ever happened before. Thank goodness I was able to wipe before hand! I woke up on the floor, wondering why my ass was so cold then kinda realized what had happened and that my jammie pants were still down around my ankles.
Then the fun really started when I began hallucinating.
This is when my generous hosts raced me to the hospital.

A couple days of IV fluids later...they sent me back home.
Where I slept for the next two days.

I was somewhat better by New Year's Eve but not well enough to celebrate. I set my phone alarm to wake up at midnight and sent out the obligatory "Happy New Year" texts. Then promptly fell back asleep. Watched the Rose Bowl Parade...loving that they don't air it at 6 or 7am anymore! And then proceeded to not watch one single, solitary football game. It was a good way to start the year.

Nothing too eventful since then.
May or may not be returning to Dubai this month, barring no major problems.
I would be beyond thrilled, of course, but I'm taking it one day at a time and remaining guarded.
We hate that we're both sane, responsible adults.
I wish that we could just throw the money at a plane ticket and screw whoever else wants money from us...but that's just not who we are. Even though it sucks sometimes.

My birthday is coming up. Inauguration Day. Yep, every 4 years I get birthday cards from my brothers. It will be the 15 anniversary of my 25th birthday. Doesn't that sound better than 40?? I think so.

I'm glad Obama won the Presidency. He may not be a Republican, but I'm betting if he's willing to protect us from our own government, he'll probably do well to protect us from other governments too. Do I think he's going to be able to do everything he promised while running? Nah, I'm no fool, but I'm guessing he will be one of the first Presidents in a long time to get pretty damn close. Sometimes I don't think he realizes how much his hands will be tied regarding certain matters and other times I think that the American people don't realize how much his hands will be tied regarding certain matters. Either way, it's going to be an interesting 2009 politically speaking and if I could be anyone other than myself...I would not want to be Obama.

Anyhoo...another new beginning.
I'm reading my 365 days of Taoism book again.
And I'm meditating again as well.
I grew away from both and attribute my poor attitude to that.
Going back and reading my archives from the BBM blog, I realized I'm not the same person I was then...and I like that person much better than the person I became in December...no...make that August.
If I ever see that girl again...it will be too soon.
And somebody slap me. Please.

Hope all is well with everyone.

**Edit** - Apparently, I lied. When I can figure out how to re-open the comments, I will. ;)