Tuesday, April 14, 2009

"Trickery and treachery are the practices of fools that have not the wits enough to be honest."
- Benjamin Franklin

Okay, I'm back to being public.
A lot has transpired since I last posted.
Those of you that still read here...all two of you, lol...will note that some of the things I've written in the past have since been deleted, for obvious reasons. No sense in asking for more difficulty in my life than I already have, if ya know what I mean.

Sadly, the couple I am staying with, have parted ways.
Needless to say, it didn't go very well.
And that's all I'm gonna say about it publicly.

I'm going to get back to...or should I say, restart the 365 days of Grace...tomorrow. lol.
Hopefully, I will be able to stick to the commitment of it this time without any outside interference.

Hope everyone is well and happy:)

Thursday, February 26, 2009

“Sometimes we reach the boiling point before we realize that the stove is on. Become aware of your feelings - keep your eye on the stove.”
- Karen Dougherty

The amount of crazy going on inside my head these days...is unebelievable even to me...and it's my head and my crazy! Which is why I haven't been around in however many days.

I look backwards in life to learn from mistakes and sometimes to remember the lessons learned. I mostly find myself looking back, questioning whether or not there were 'red flags' that I missed, be it out of sheer stuipidity or my own ridiculous blinders. What I sometimes find...is that there weren't just 'red flags'...there were huge, flashing red neon signs. I think I may have said this before. What I'm trying to figure out now, is if there are 'red flags' and/or neon signs...are they in reference to others or are they trying to tell me that I'm the one that's not as ready as I thought I may have been for change. I have been trying to gather my thoughts for awhile now...well, however long since my last post. Still working on it. I don't know who confuses me more...other people...or me. lol.
Either way...this is me, trying to keep my eye on the stove.

I have been keeping up with my 365 days of grace though, writing them down at the end of each day and they've waited patiently to be posted.

So, here goes...

6 things for 2/17:
1) My Mom finally found an orthepedic surgeon to repair her torn rotator cuff. I cannot believe how long she has waited, enduring the pain.
2) Although the divorce papers are in hand(s)...neither my brother nor SIL have signed them yet...and I've heard they've been 'talking' an awful lot lately. I hope it works out for all involved.
C) New foster puppy Tessa's infection wasn't so bad that she had to be put down!
4) My niece, Petunia, made the National Honor Society.
5) My nephew,Qman, won a most important soccer game.

1) I found a new candle scent that I can actually smell! I threw the dang box out though, so I don't know the name of it! lol.
2) Little Warrior's scans came back clean! Best news I've heard in '09 yet! YAY!
C) Strawberry Jello. I could taste it and whatever red dye is in it...I'm not allergic too!
4) My tax guy offered to do my taxes for free! (I'm hoping this isn't because he thinks I'm gonna owe again this year! lol.)
5) One of my friends found the movie "Michael" on DVD for me. I have been looking for this DVD for a long, long time!

1) Daisy may be coming to FL with me for a little bit this summer.
2) Bonnie Hunts 'Courtroom TV word of the day'...cracks me to hell up!
C) Shrimp Scampi. Yummyfreakinyum!
4) Came across another dear, dear friend from the old days. Can't wait to catch up.
5) I got a non-allergenic pillow case and it really seems to make a difference!

1) Foster Kitty, HunnyBunny, is finally coming out of her shell and socializing. This will make it much easier to find her a forever home.
2) Jeanne got to try her wedding dress on at her parents house after work...and although I didn't get beautiful/prompt cell phone pics...I'm beyond happy that she has finally found the love she has always deserved!
C) Wheel of Fortune...I watch it every day that I can...and I feel my Nana right beside me, watching it with me. I love that feeling.
4) Although I was very dismayed when the dogs chewed up my favorite "Cancer Sucks" winter cap...they spared my Iowa HAWKEYES cap!
5) I got to have a good, long conversation with TexasKelly, who I'm gonna have to start calling WisconsinKelly now. I miss being able to hang out with her...but love the security that we're always 'here' for eachother. Our brains and way of thinking were cut from the same mold in any/every aspect possible. Yes, that means she has the same brand of crazy!

1) Matthew won his baseball game!
2) Nicholas got a base hit just for me!
C) Excedrin PM's really, really work!
4) Oh! I forgot this one from back in the beginning of February! Stump, a 10 year old Spaniel sussex won the Westminster Dog Show!
5) The new Pup-Peroni dog treat commercials, the ones with the dogs holding signs in their mouths. I.love.them! This is what made me remember that I didn't post about Stump.

1) And another one I forgot about!!! Beth got a new car! I cannot think of another person that deserved this more than her! I hope it is just the beginning of many more blessed things to come for/to her!
2) Fresh Results Natural kitty litter. It's cheap at Wal-mart and works better than any litter I've ever used for all the kittys before. Seriously, this stuff rocks!
C) Heath Ledger won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. It was very well deserved...and I'm not just saying that because of the little heel click he does when jumping off the sidewalk, dressed in the nurses uniform.
4) Sean Penn's Oscar for Best Actor acceptance speech.
5) Dustin Lance Black's Oscar for Best Original Screenplay acceptance speech. I sincerely, hope that Sean and Dustin were, at the very least, able to open one pair of eyes and/or heart about what equal rights should really be.

1) The Excedrin PM's work so well, that I haven't clenched my jaw while sleeping for three days now. This really, really helps cut down the never-ending pain that my rotten teeth cause.
2) I dream of Jeanne. Brings back memories.
C) Two of my friends that have been feuding for almost 2 years now, have finally started to find their way back to being friends again!
4) The Jack Bauer hour rocked. I have officially been sucked into the 24 black-hole.
5) Finally, finally, finally....some warm freakin' weather!

1) One of the girls from my cancer group has been dancing with NED for her 5th offical year!
2) Ozwald is fitting in with the pack here splendidly. If I can't keep him, I am so very thankful that he can and will stay here.
C) One of my dear friends, that didn't actually start dating another friend but was spending a lot of time getting to know him...found out some not so good things about him and is wise enough to stop it before it got started. Speaking from experience, most women aren't so wise. She deserves the best and I'm glad she's holding out.
4) Foster puppy Count Basie got adopted!
5) I had a long, long hot bath!

1) I got a surprise trouble sleeping/good night call from a very tired Nicholas!
2) I should apply for a job at the Psychic Network...or play the lottery I guess.
3) Spring has sprung...the frogs are chirping their beautiful songs non-stop. Yes, I know that they are really just calling for mates. That's another reason I love it and them! lol.
4) Three words: Thunderstorm. Good sleep.
5) Falling asleep while listening to the wind chimes!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time."
- Abraham Lincoln (attributed)

One night, I got to see a beautiful, yellow-orange lunar planet in ALL its glory.
My all-time favorite reality show, the one that involves immunity idol's... started again.
I got some *fresh*, very tasty lunch meat that starts with the letter P...it's been a long time since I've tasted that and it's one of the few things I can taste...so YAY!
I found out that one of my very dear friends, had her third healthy daughter! The world will be a better place because this woman is procreating!
One of the temporary canine residents here was adopted out again. She went through some very, very serious medical issues after she was born and although she survived, is a special needs canine which is why I used the word "again". I believe the third time is a charm and that these people will be exactly what she needs.
Semi-nude internet web-cam visual and audio relations with you know who! Yee-freakin-haw!
One of the permanent canine residents here that is the epitomy of a one-person-dog...finally broke down and had a little awesome tug-o'war-woobie time with me...I guess all the treats finally got through!
The temperature was finally such that I didn't shake like a tamborine when I had to go outside.
I doubled up and had a nice day out with a great, great friend.
My favorite cousin, got the much needed medical attention she was requiring but couldn't afford. I found two very, very inexpensive, educational books for a very special birthday coming up for a little boy that's very special to me!
Somebody ordered a bottle of my favorite candy, that can only be found in up-state NY. It should be here some time next week. Hopefully I will still be able to taste it.
Someone that I have only had a professional relationship with for however many years now, just extended a hand of friendship via a very popular, addicting internet website. She is an awesome, awesome woman and I look forward to getting to know her better.
Although I paid the price of doubling up from the day before, I took a sleeping-pill and slept most of the day away.
The only other reality show I like to watch, which involves a looooot of traveling began again too. The swelling in my hands went down enough that I was able to paint my tootsies!
The dryer got fixed and I was able to catch up on my laundry.
One of my friends recently had her boobies squishded and sought my guidance in going forward with some suspicious spots...and I was able to help. No news yet, but I'm hoping this will soon be something else I'm able to be thankful about!
I was able to do something really, really nice for my daughter!
The wooden/barb-wire barricade that surrounds the property has finally been fixed...hence I will not be chasing down and trying to cajole any small equines back within the confines on a weekly basis. That gets real old...real fast! lol.
The really, really sick canine I've been caring for...is down to one nebulizer treatment a day! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!
I got a brand new pair of wonderfully warm jammie pants...which is a good thing since the damn temperature dropped again.
Someone gave me their copy of the 1st season collection of the gayguy/redheadedgirl show!
And finally...I'm so very, very thankful for all the people that take those goofy pictures of their felines and then post them with funny captions. I laugh for a good half-hour about those every day!

Well...I can't say that was fun...but it was definitely time-consuming! I look forward to all future lists being back to simple! I'll post todays list, tomorrow. :)

Friday, February 13, 2009

"Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears."
-Arthur Koestler

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."
- Saint Francis De Sales

Whew. Been awhile. I should probably add more quotes for each of the days I missed, but frankly...I'm too tired. I scribble down my 5 things each day, totally intending to get on here and type them...but it's been a rough few days, to say the least. That and the content of this post (aside from the 6 things) was started back on Wednesday night and it might get a little lengthy because I'm happily medicated and in a rambling mood. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Yeah, so I'm trying to remedy the fact that I have never been the most patient person (among other things I'm trying to remedy), whether it was waiting for something to happen or to try and make something happen.

There was a time when I didn't believe that all things could and would just happen...I thought one had to go out and put in the time and energy to make things happen, if they wanted it bad enough...and that the people that weren't willing to put in the time and energy, were lazy and must not have really, really wanted it.

Kinda throws a monkey-wrench into the whole "good things come to those who wait" theory though too, huh?!

Some times I have moments of weakness and just don't know what I believe anymore.

Has some cosmic force been in play these past few years? Taking away my ability to just go out and work for/get what I want? Is this why I've been on this you-have-no-other-option-but-to-remain-stationary-and-be-patient path?

The Twinkie-Twit is being a Twinkie-Twit once again.

I want to be back in Dubai with Ron and they boys. I want to be there to hug them and to try and comfort them. Not replace her, mind you. I already know from personal experience that I wouldn't ever be able to do that...but I'd love to just be able to hug them.
But, no. Here I am, thousands of miles away. And it stinks and it makes me sad.

What I do know, is that the last trip down the rabbit-hole was a bad trip. And I was very, very sad. And I got tired of being so very, very sad. And one of the reasons I started my blog...the 1st one that I had to abandon and this one...was so that perhaps if I'm gone someday and my daughter is forced to deal with the big "C" beast she could read my blogs...that somehow they might benefit her, maybe even help to guide her in the thousands of 'choices' that one has to make because of the big "C". Let her see that one has to fight with all they have but that's it's okay to also get tired, one can't help but get tired and weary and face the downside...wind up at the bottom of a very dark rabbit-hole. And I now hope, that she sees that one shouldn't stay down the rabbit-hole as long as I did, here as of late.

I've learned, and I hope to teach her, that we do what we have to do and that's all we can do sometimes...and that all we can really control is our thoughts and our actions.

This isn't to say that I'm not still struggling with some things inside my head...because I am...but outwardly...in order to not be at the bottom of the rabbit-hole anymore...I've got to change my actions in order to climb back up.

I cannot change my current situation, which is:
I'm back here in the Mid-west. And because I'm a sane, responsible adult...the financially responsible thing to do, is to stay here until the end of next summer. I'll join Ron and the boys down south at the beginning of summer when they come back to the states and then we will all return overseas again together.
I can see my primary doctor here in the states to get refills on the meds that I can...and that's it.
So getting most of the other meds is out of the question.
I have no health insurance, so getting anymore tests or scans is out of the question.
Because my house is gone, I'm staying with two friends who have graciously welcomed me to stay as long as necessary.
This means that because I live here with them, I do not qualify for any state assistance medically wise because of their combined income.
Which means that again...anymore tests and scans is out of the question.
My breast cancer was estrogen positive. The estrogen that my body naturally created fed the cancer...doubling it in size as quickly as possible.
Chemotherapy put me into menopause, as it is supposed to do.
No estrogen, meant that if/when cancer returned...at least it wouldn't have estrogen to fuel it.
My body did not tolerate the adverse effects of the first, shall we say, anti-estrogen drug they put me on to keep me in menopause.
The second drug...didn't do its job and I came out of menopause which is apparently a million to one odds. Lucky me.
And of course, my body didn't tolerate the adverse effects of the 3rd drug they put me on either.
What all of this means is that now the only way to keep my body from producing estrogen...would be to have a hysterectomy.
No health insurance and being unable to qualify for state assistance means that a hysterectomy is also out of the question.
The last test I had, was a tumor-marker test back in August...which was still just under the radar thank goodness.
When I was in the hospital back in August as well, I had a brain scan, which also came back normal, (if you can believe that!) again, thank goodness.
Other than that, my last cancer scans weres back in July of 2008.
So, essentially...I'm a ticking time bomb.
In addition to this, the price my body has paid from the Osteoporosis and Arthritis most of the meds caused can only be a little relieved from the pain killers that I'm still able to get because they are inexpensive.
Don't get your panties in a twist, you won't see me on Oprah someday.
I take one and half vicodin in the a.m. and one and a half in the p.m. and that's it.
They, at least help to take the edge off.
And when I really need/want to function and do something...I double up my doses in order to do so...and then the next day, I do without and pay the price for the fun the day before.
Although I've been advised to increase my daily dosage...I'm smart enough to know that one increase would eventually lead to another and another and so forth. Thankfully, I recognize that I have enough medical problems as it is and do not need to add addiction to the list.
Without the Osteoporosis drug...I can literally feel my body deteriorating more and more each day. Specifically my hips and hands. I can feel my hip bones grinding every day. Not only does it hurt...but it successfully gives one a substantial case of the heebie-jeebies! Blech.
Although I take calcium to help with the Osteoporosis every, single day and drink milk with every meal (not because I feel I have to, I have just always, always, always LOVED MILK!)...my
Teeth are massively deteriorating. Literally, disintegrating more and more...chipping away, causing fillings to fall out...cracking and breaking off piece by piece. I would say that if I'm not careful, I'll soon look like one helluva an old woman that lives in the sticks and has no knowledge that I'm actually living in the 21st century with real dentists and such and everything!...but I'm as careful as I can be...being very picky about what I eat, which has become mostly very, very soft foods.
Which is to say...they are beyond repair and dentures will eventually be in my future. Which I'm perfectly fine with. If it weren't for the Xylocaine Pump Spray, the mouth pain would have already driven me to either down the entire bottle of vicodin and/or pull the effing things out myself. Truth be told...I'm 40 years old now and I cannot wait for dentures. I very much look forward to never having mouth pain again.

So, to recap: I cannot change my physical whereabouts and I cannot change the fact that I'm currently a ticking time bomb.
And that is what got me so far down that damn rabbit hole.
Granted...in reality, nobody actually around me had knowledge of said rabbit-hole. I'm a fantastic actress when required. The RammerHammer knew...but that was it...and I wholeheartedly believe and know that I would still be down there if it weren't for the wisdom he so wonderfully shares with me and the unbelievable peace he brings me.

So...what I finally realized is that I need to get back to the old Peg.
The Peg that makes the best of whatever is.
If I cannot know where I stand medically speaking...than I have to not think about it period.
All I can do is live my life to the fullest in the here and now.
Doesn't mean that a small part of me isn't still sad about the things that I cannot change, of course, but I realize that I cannot dwell on that 24/7. It's not healthy...and it serves only to be miserable a lot of the time.
And if I cannot know where I stand medically speaking...if and when I'm faced with things going downhill again...than I would much rather the time prior to that have been as happy and memorable as possible.

So there ya have it. That's my crazy update. Can't say I'm necessarily being 'positive' about things. I'm just being thankful and grateful and happy with whatever is each day. I'm not letting my actions be influenced by my fears anymore.
Don't get me wrong...there are somethings or people, I should say, that are currently frustrating me to no end...and that will be another post. LOL. But I'm not letting that or them be the main point of focus in my daily being.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

"Our attitudes control our lives. Attitudes are a secret power working twenty-four hours a day, for good or bad. It is of paramount importance that we know how to harness and control this great force."
- Tom Blandi

Forgive me, it's been a rough couple of days.

My 6 things from Monday:

1) The sick Hunter puppy is doing substantially better...finally!

2) Marshmellow toast! Yum.

C) I got back in touch with another long lost friend.

4) The boys each had a tooth pulled and handled it very, very well! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo-hoo!

5) I found $20 in my old winter coat! Whoo-hoo.

6) The people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or well on their way.

My 6 things from yesterday:

1) The wind finally died down enough so the satellite worked again and I didn't miss Ellen!

2) Sassafras got adopted! Yee-haw!

C) Although I don't have health insurance anymore, my doctor is researching a way for me to hopefully have some needed tests done.

4) I was able to stay awake long enough to watch NCIS...I'm officially hooked!

5) The puppies are almost house trained, this means less steam cleaning the carpet, and steam cleaning is very, very hard for me to do...so this is a great thing!

6) The people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or well on their way!

Todays 6 things:

1) The sun rose today and it was beautiful!

2) There was a wonderful, wonderful thunderstorm...and I had a wonderful afternoon nap!

C) I was finally able to make friends and win the trust of the Brown Tabby stray 'Garage' that nobody has touched for 6 years. Hopefully I will be able to post a picture of him soon...there is something really, really special about him!

4) The swelling in my hands has finally gone down enough and I can wear my rings again.

5) I got the garbage out to the dumpster before the trash truck came!

6) The people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or well on their way:)

Monday, February 9, 2009

"The best way out is always through."
- Robert Frost

Yesterdays 6 things:

1) I got to see not one, but two I Love Lucy episodes I had never seen before...and I thought I'd seen them all!

2) I got to refill some of my meds finally!

C) I have the greatest friends in the world.

4) Russell Stover Dark Chocolate Butter Cream candy...I can totally taste the cocoa! Yay!

5) Somehow or another, I got my laundry done...before the dryer stopped working!

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

"Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water. Be still and allow the mud to settle."
- Lao Tzu

Well, while the mud continues to settle and my crazy rests its weary way...it appears I have some catching up to do.

Thursdays 6 things:

1) I finally heard from my cousin and she's sober, safe and happy.

2) I got to Skype with TheRammerHammer and the boys! Yay!

C) One of the foster puppies got adopted!

4) I got some prime Coco The Cabana Boy time. (Perhaps he should be a permanent #7!)

5) It was warm enough to go outside in a short sleeve t-shirt!

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way.

Friday's 6 things:

1) I got four hours of consecutive sleep.

2) When the sattelite went out, I got to watch the first season DVD of Will & Grace. Which means I laughed. A lot.

C) The Hunter puppy is getting significantly better health wise!

4) I got a lot of paperwork done.

5) I doubled up my meds and had a nice dinner out with 2 great friends...and didn't get sick!

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way.

And since I'm on a roll...
Todays 6 things:

1) I got a much needed, good 2 hour nap in!

2) The swelling in my hands finally subsided a little.

C) I found a Christmas ornament that I remember having on our tree as a little girl and my Nana telling me the story about it. I can't wait to put it on a tree this year!

4) I got the unbroke, Houdini colt back into the pasture safely. Again.

5) I love when I get to see sleeping puppies dreaming!

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way!