"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."
- Gilda Radner


I don't know if I've already posted this quote on either blog...but man...I hope she is right.


My last quote and post was in reference to a couple of different things. Some of which I'm willing and not willing to discuss right now.


At any rate, yes, due to health and financial reasons, my stay in the states is being extended.
As you all can probably guess, I'm not exactly happy about this.
A part of me can't help but wonder if the reason that some of these things that are happening, are happening because for the sake of R and the boys, I shouldn't be there with them.


I can't say that I 100% support the theory that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that some things happen for a reason.
So, I get that sometimes, where ever we physically are in life, that *that* is where we are supposed to be at that time.


Having said that, I get that I am where I am right now for several reasons. I'm trying to help a dear friend with her rocky marriage right now, and it's better for her to be able to physcially get out of her house and hang with me from time to time. There are also relationship issues with the couple that I'm staying with...so I'm trying to help them as well, even though my past relationship history proves that I probably have no business trying to help anyone at all. The little puppy with pneumonia here, would have gone to The Bridge weeks ago, if I weren't here to be able to watch him like a hawk 24/7...among other reasons.



And although, I'm the first to admit that I'm the most contradictive person I know and that I'm okay with myself being the most contradictive I know...I really dislike being as contradictive about life as I am right now.

Forgive me if that made no sense whatsoever, my meds have officially kicked in. I hate, hate, hate all of these damn meds. I hate typing the words 'everything' and 'sometimes' and not instinctively knowing if I'm using them separately or together in the right damn context.


Anyhoo...I don't understand why situations and circumstances and life in general, always refuse to let me be, *where* *I'm* happiest...and the few times that it does/has...it's so effing shortlived. Why do things always have to be so effing complicated and difficult. Why don't things ever seem to effing work out. I know, that sounds so incredibly childish and selfish. I know that life isn't always fair but not always being fair and never effing being fair are two different things.

For the life of me, I can't figure out what to hell it is that I must have done so poorly or wrong in the past. At the very least, I'd like to apologize to whomever or for whatever it was that I did...not to mention, I'd rather not repeat whatever to hell it was, if it results in life now.

Ready for the next complicated contradictive me? (I say that as if you didn't get enough of it in what I already wrote.

In the same breath, I wholeheartedly know that we don't get what we deserve, we just get what we get.


Either way...I feel like the past 10 years have flown by and yet, here I still sit in Missouri (a.k.a. square one), yelling out into a pasture. Questioning wtf I'm doing here. In Missouri. On this planet. In this damn life.

Yep. I get it. I'm being unappreciative again about the blessings I have in my life. The people I care about are healthy and mostly happy. I still have a great daughter. R still wants to be and is an integral part of my life, although I don't know if that's always in his best interest. I hate that because the way my life always goes, that it sometimes makes R feel like he's failing me. He couldn't "fail me" if he tried. He's not that kind of man. He doesn't have that kind of heart. I hate that I'm not as strong as people think I am. I hate that I'm not always as strong as I want to be. I hate that when I'm not...it results in bringing him sorrow.
It makes me question if and whether or not I really know what love is and is all about.
If I love him, I wouldn't bring him any sorrow. People that say they love someone...don't do that to them. I know that.


Whatever. Clearly, I rambling and still probably making no sense.
So where do I go from here...I guess I just keep breathing, even when I don't want too.

On the good days, I'll try to make the best of things and keep trying this positive crap.
And on the bad days, I'll try to sleep through the fact that such is my life.