"There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope."
~Baruch Spinoza

Okay, first up...my 6 from yesterday.
Ya'll are gonna be shocked when I catch up to myself and if you aren't...I will be.

Six things that I was grateful for and/or that brought me pleasure yesterday:

1) Coco the Cabana Boy. 'Nough said.

2) Got to spend the day with a great friend!

C) Having said that, it was nice to have some down time yesterday too, also known as my own private Hermit time. Got some serious thinking done.

4) The AT&T commercial where the guy drags his TV all over the house. This may have been exceedingly funny to just me... because of my meds.

5) The funny/semi-adult conversation I had with my daughter via test messaging. Again, this can probably be attributed to my meds.

6) That all of the people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or on their way.

So, about the quote.
I'm going to try and attempt to find some middle ground. I have a tendency to be an extremist. Not all the time or in every aspect one can think of... just certain areas. Some of the time, I believe this has saved me some grief...other times, I believe this has only served to cause myself more grief than necessary. I'm not fooling myself though, I know that I will find some middle ground and I also know that I will probably be an extremist in certain areas of my life...for the rest of my life. I guess only time will tell.

And time, along with fear and hope, is what the above quote is all about to me.
It feels as if I've been lost for a very long time now. Finding a bit of myself again, from time to time and getting more and more lost with every waking moment at other times. I've been bouncing myself back and forth and frankly, it's getting exhausting. I keep thinking that there has got to be a better way...but 'thinking', is as far as I've gotten. And me, being the most confilcted person I know...also knows that nothing will change if I don't change something. And to take my crazy one step further...what exactly am I going to change??? I haven't been able to put a definitive finger on it just yet. Hence, I'm starting little. Like with the 6 things each day.

Part of me, the old me that creeps through from time to time, wants to live life to the fullest again...and part of me...the reality of the me after cancer...feels like I'm stuck, standing in a pile of molasses. Physically, I want to do things I was able to do before, but I can't. I mean I can, to some degree, if I double up my meds...but I don't want there to have to be any freakin' meds. But there are meds and even doubling up, doesn't allow me to do everything I used to do. What's that old saying? "Of all the things I miss, I miss my mind the most." Yeah, I miss my thought process the most...which technically isn't all that much better now...just slower I guess. lol. Have I ever discussed my unwillingness to accept the things I cannot change on this blog??

Are you clueless now? That's to be expected...you don't live inside my head.
You should seriously consider putting that on your list of 5 things today!

Anyhoo...the reason that I started this blog, well, the BBM blog, was 1) to be an outlet for myself. Once I was diagnosed, my thoughts and head were swirling. I thought that by getting things out of my head it would help me to think more clearly. Yeah, that didn't happen. lol. 2) I also started it, in the event that my daughter may someday have to go through what I've been through..that perhaps, by chance, maybe at least one thing I've written will be able to help her. Of course, the conflicted crazy woman in me, doesn't ever want her to read a single, solitary word for fear that she may end up crazy like me. And 3) I thought that my writing might be able to help someone else, someone that's already sane and wouldn't have to worry about my crazy infecting them. lol.

Wow. Sure feels like I'm rambling and being very redundant.
So I think I will stop here. For today.
Hopefully, I will be back to post the 6 things for today.