"Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears."
-Arthur Koestler

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."
- Saint Francis De Sales

Whew. Been awhile. I should probably add more quotes for each of the days I missed, but frankly...I'm too tired. I scribble down my 5 things each day, totally intending to get on here and type them...but it's been a rough few days, to say the least. That and the content of this post (aside from the 6 things) was started back on Wednesday night and it might get a little lengthy because I'm happily medicated and in a rambling mood. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Yeah, so I'm trying to remedy the fact that I have never been the most patient person (among other things I'm trying to remedy), whether it was waiting for something to happen or to try and make something happen.

There was a time when I didn't believe that all things could and would just happen...I thought one had to go out and put in the time and energy to make things happen, if they wanted it bad enough...and that the people that weren't willing to put in the time and energy, were lazy and must not have really, really wanted it.


Kinda throws a monkey-wrench into the whole "good things come to those who wait" theory though too, huh?!


Some times I have moments of weakness and just don't know what I believe anymore.

Has some cosmic force been in play these past few years? Taking away my ability to just go out and work for/get what I want? Is this why I've been on this you-have-no-other-option-but-to-remain-stationary-and-be-patient path?


The Twinkie-Twit is being a Twinkie-Twit once again.

I want to be back in Dubai with Ron and they boys. I want to be there to hug them and to try and comfort them. Not replace her, mind you. I already know from personal experience that I wouldn't ever be able to do that...but I'd love to just be able to hug them.
But, no. Here I am, thousands of miles away. And it stinks and it makes me sad.


What I do know, is that the last trip down the rabbit-hole was a bad trip. And I was very, very sad. And I got tired of being so very, very sad. And one of the reasons I started my blog...the 1st one that I had to abandon and this one...was so that perhaps if I'm gone someday and my daughter is forced to deal with the big "C" beast she could read my blogs...that somehow they might benefit her, maybe even help to guide her in the thousands of 'choices' that one has to make because of the big "C". Let her see that one has to fight with all they have but that's it's okay to also get tired, one can't help but get tired and weary and face the downside...wind up at the bottom of a very dark rabbit-hole. And I now hope, that she sees that one shouldn't stay down the rabbit-hole as long as I did, here as of late.

I've learned, and I hope to teach her, that we do what we have to do and that's all we can do sometimes...and that all we can really control is our thoughts and our actions.

This isn't to say that I'm not still struggling with some things inside my head...because I am...but outwardly...in order to not be at the bottom of the rabbit-hole anymore...I've got to change my actions in order to climb back up.

I cannot change my current situation, which is:
I'm back here in the Mid-west. And because I'm a sane, responsible adult...the financially responsible thing to do, is to stay here until the end of next summer. I'll join Ron and the boys down south at the beginning of summer when they come back to the states and then we will all return overseas again together.
I can see my primary doctor here in the states to get refills on the meds that I can...and that's it.
So getting most of the other meds is out of the question.
I have no health insurance, so getting anymore tests or scans is out of the question.
Because my house is gone, I'm staying with two friends who have graciously welcomed me to stay as long as necessary.
This means that because I live here with them, I do not qualify for any state assistance medically wise because of their combined income.
Which means that again...anymore tests and scans is out of the question.
My breast cancer was estrogen positive. The estrogen that my body naturally created fed the cancer...doubling it in size as quickly as possible.
Chemotherapy put me into menopause, as it is supposed to do.
No estrogen, meant that if/when cancer returned...at least it wouldn't have estrogen to fuel it.
My body did not tolerate the adverse effects of the first, shall we say, anti-estrogen drug they put me on to keep me in menopause.
The second drug...didn't do its job and I came out of menopause which is apparently a million to one odds. Lucky me.
And of course, my body didn't tolerate the adverse effects of the 3rd drug they put me on either.
What all of this means is that now the only way to keep my body from producing estrogen...would be to have a hysterectomy.
No health insurance and being unable to qualify for state assistance means that a hysterectomy is also out of the question.
The last test I had, was a tumor-marker test back in August...which was still just under the radar thank goodness.
When I was in the hospital back in August as well, I had a brain scan, which also came back normal, (if you can believe that!) again, thank goodness.
Other than that, my last cancer scans weres back in July of 2008.
So, essentially...I'm a ticking time bomb.
In addition to this, the price my body has paid from the Osteoporosis and Arthritis most of the meds caused can only be a little relieved from the pain killers that I'm still able to get because they are inexpensive.
Don't get your panties in a twist, you won't see me on Oprah someday.
I take one and half vicodin in the a.m. and one and a half in the p.m. and that's it.
They, at least help to take the edge off.
And when I really need/want to function and do something...I double up my doses in order to do so...and then the next day, I do without and pay the price for the fun the day before.
Although I've been advised to increase my daily dosage...I'm smart enough to know that one increase would eventually lead to another and another and so forth. Thankfully, I recognize that I have enough medical problems as it is and do not need to add addiction to the list.
Without the Osteoporosis drug...I can literally feel my body deteriorating more and more each day. Specifically my hips and hands. I can feel my hip bones grinding every day. Not only does it hurt...but it successfully gives one a substantial case of the heebie-jeebies! Blech.
Although I take calcium to help with the Osteoporosis every, single day and drink milk with every meal (not because I feel I have to, I have just always, always, always LOVED MILK!)...my
Teeth are massively deteriorating. Literally, disintegrating more and more...chipping away, causing fillings to fall out...cracking and breaking off piece by piece. I would say that if I'm not careful, I'll soon look like one helluva an old woman that lives in the sticks and has no knowledge that I'm actually living in the 21st century with real dentists and such and everything!...but I'm as careful as I can be...being very picky about what I eat, which has become mostly very, very soft foods.
Which is to say...they are beyond repair and dentures will eventually be in my future. Which I'm perfectly fine with. If it weren't for the Xylocaine Pump Spray, the mouth pain would have already driven me to either down the entire bottle of vicodin and/or pull the effing things out myself. Truth be told...I'm 40 years old now and I cannot wait for dentures. I very much look forward to never having mouth pain again.

So, to recap: I cannot change my physical whereabouts and I cannot change the fact that I'm currently a ticking time bomb.
And that is what got me so far down that damn rabbit hole.
Granted...in reality, nobody actually around me had knowledge of said rabbit-hole. I'm a fantastic actress when required. The RammerHammer knew...but that was it...and I wholeheartedly believe and know that I would still be down there if it weren't for the wisdom he so wonderfully shares with me and the unbelievable peace he brings me.

So...what I finally realized is that I need to get back to the old Peg.
The Peg that makes the best of whatever is.
If I cannot know where I stand medically speaking...than I have to not think about it period.
All I can do is live my life to the fullest in the here and now.
Doesn't mean that a small part of me isn't still sad about the things that I cannot change, of course, but I realize that I cannot dwell on that 24/7. It's not healthy...and it serves only to be miserable a lot of the time.
And if I cannot know where I stand medically speaking...if and when I'm faced with things going downhill again...than I would much rather the time prior to that have been as happy and memorable as possible.

So there ya have it. That's my crazy update. Can't say I'm necessarily being 'positive' about things. I'm just being thankful and grateful and happy with whatever is each day. I'm not letting my actions be influenced by my fears anymore.
Don't get me wrong...there are somethings or people, I should say, that are currently frustrating me to no end...and that will be another post. LOL. But I'm not letting that or them be the main point of focus in my daily being.