tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86493427778447469862024-02-22T03:54:05.026-06:00My Brand Of Crazy...Is apparently sellable afterall.
Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that the rights have since been purchased by RammerHammer Industries.
Which pleases me immensely.
Indeed.My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-47674581578317188012009-04-14T14:37:00.002-05:002009-04-14T14:43:30.856-05:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"Trickery and treachery are the practices of fools that have not the wits enough to be honest."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">- Benjamin Franklin</span></strong><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br />Okay, I'm back to being public.<br />A lot has transpired since I last posted.<br />Those of you that still read here...all two of you, lol...will note that some of the things I've written in the past have since been deleted, for obvious reasons. No sense in asking for more difficulty in my life than I already have, if ya know what I mean.<br /><br />Sadly, the couple I am staying with, have parted ways.<br />Needless to say, it didn't go very well.<br />And that's all I'm gonna say about it publicly.<br /><br />I'm going to get back to...or should I say, restart the 365 days of Grace...tomorrow. lol.<br />Hopefully, I will be able to stick to the commitment of it this time without any outside interference.<br /><br />Hope everyone is well and happy:)My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-55481620284562785372009-02-26T12:15:00.006-06:002009-04-02T12:04:18.440-05:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">“Sometimes we reach the boiling point before we realize that the stove is on. Become aware of your feelings - keep your eye on the stove.”</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">- Karen Dougherty</span></strong><br /><br /><br />The amount of crazy going on inside my head these days...is unebelievable even to me...and it's my head and my crazy! Which is why I haven't been around in however many days.<br /><br /><br />I look backwards in life to learn from mistakes and sometimes to remember the lessons learned. I mostly find myself looking back, questioning whether or not there were 'red flags' that I missed, be it out of sheer stuipidity or my own ridiculous blinders. What I sometimes find...is that there weren't just 'red flags'...there were huge, flashing red neon signs. I think I may have said this before. What I'm trying to figure out now, is if there are 'red flags' and/or neon signs...are they in reference to others or are they trying to tell me that I'm the one that's not as ready as I thought I may have been for change. I have been trying to gather my thoughts for awhile now...well, however long since my last post. Still working on it. I don't know who confuses me more...other people...or me. lol.<br />Either way...this is me, trying to keep my eye on the stove.<br /><br /><br />I have been keeping up with my 365 days of grace though, writing them down at the end of each day and they've waited patiently to be posted.<br /><br />So, here goes...<br /><br /><br /><strong><em>6 things for 2/17</em></strong>:<br />1) My Mom finally found an orthepedic surgeon to repair her torn rotator cuff. I cannot believe how long she has waited, enduring the pain.<br />2) Although the divorce papers are in hand(s)...neither my brother nor SIL have signed them yet...and I've heard they've been 'talking' an awful lot lately. I hope it works out for all involved.<br />C) New foster puppy Tessa's infection wasn't so bad that she had to be put down!<br />4) My niece, Petunia, made the National Honor Society.<br />5) My nephew,Qman, won a most important soccer game.<br /><br /><br /><strong><em>2/18:</em></strong><br />1) I found a new candle scent that I can actually smell! I threw the dang box out though, so I don't know the name of it! lol.<br />2) Little Warrior's scans came back clean! Best news I've heard in '09 yet! YAY!<br />C) Strawberry Jello. I could taste it and whatever red dye is in it...I'm not allergic too!<br />4) My tax guy offered to do my taxes for free! (I'm hoping this isn't because he thinks I'm gonna owe again this year! lol.)<br />5) One of my friends found the movie "Michael" on DVD for me. I have been looking for this DVD for a long, long time!<br /><br /><br /><strong><em>2/19:</em></strong><br />1) Daisy may be coming to FL with me for a little bit this summer.<br />2) Bonnie Hunts 'Courtroom TV word of the day'...cracks me to hell up!<br />C) Shrimp Scampi. Yummyfreakinyum!<br />4) Came across another dear, dear friend from the old days. Can't wait to catch up.<br />5) I got a non-allergenic pillow case and it really seems to make a difference!<br /><br /><br /><strong><em>2/20:</em></strong><br />1) Foster Kitty, HunnyBunny, is finally coming out of her shell and socializing. This will make it much easier to find her a forever home.<br />2) Jeanne got to try her wedding dress on at her parents house after work...and although I didn't get beautiful/prompt cell phone pics...I'm beyond happy that she has finally found the love she has always deserved!<br />C) Wheel of Fortune...I watch it every day that I can...and I feel my Nana right beside me, watching it with me. I love that feeling.<br />4) Although I was very dismayed when the dogs chewed up my favorite "Cancer Sucks" winter cap...they spared my Iowa HAWKEYES cap!<br />5) I got to have a good, long conversation with TexasKelly, who I'm gonna have to start calling WisconsinKelly now. I miss being able to hang out with her...but love the security that we're always 'here' for eachother. Our brains and way of thinking were cut from the same mold in any/every aspect possible. Yes, that means she has the same brand of crazy!<br /><br /><br /><strong><em>2/21:</em></strong><br />1) Matthew won his baseball game!<br />2) Nicholas got a base hit just for me!<br />C) Excedrin PM's really, really work!<br />4) Oh! I forgot this one from back in the beginning of February! Stump, a 10 year old Spaniel sussex won the Westminster Dog Show!<br />5) The new Pup-Peroni dog treat commercials, the ones with the dogs holding signs in their mouths. I.love.them! This is what made me remember that I didn't post about Stump.<br /><br /><br /><strong><em>2/22:</em></strong><br />1) And another one I forgot about!!! Beth got a new car! I cannot think of another person that deserved this more than her! I hope it is just the beginning of many more blessed things to come for/to her!<br />2) Fresh Results Natural kitty litter. It's cheap at Wal-mart and works better than any litter I've ever used for all the kittys before. Seriously, this stuff rocks!<br />C) Heath Ledger won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. It was very well deserved...and I'm not just saying that because of the little heel click he does when jumping off the sidewalk, dressed in the nurses uniform.<br />4) Sean Penn's Oscar for Best Actor acceptance speech.<br />5) Dustin Lance Black's Oscar for Best Original Screenplay acceptance speech. I sincerely, hope that Sean and Dustin were, at the very least, able to open one pair of eyes and/or heart about what equal rights should really be.<br /><br /><em><strong>2/23:</strong></em><br />1) The Excedrin PM's work so well, that I haven't clenched my jaw while sleeping for three days now. This really, really helps cut down the never-ending pain that my rotten teeth cause.<br />2) I dream of Jeanne. Brings back memories.<br />C) Two of my friends that have been feuding for almost 2 years now, have finally started to find their way back to being friends again!<br />4) The Jack Bauer hour rocked. I have officially been sucked into the 24 black-hole.<br />5) Finally, finally, finally....some warm freakin' weather!<br /><br /><strong><em>2/24:</em></strong><br />1) One of the girls from my cancer group has been dancing with NED for her 5th offical year!<br />2) Ozwald is fitting in with the pack here splendidly. If I can't keep him, I am so very thankful that he can and will stay here.<br />C) One of my dear friends, that didn't actually start dating another friend but was spending a lot of time getting to know him...found out some not so good things about him and is wise enough to stop it before it got started. Speaking from experience, most women aren't so wise. She deserves the best and I'm glad she's holding out.<br />4) Foster puppy Count Basie got adopted!<br />5) I had a long, long hot bath!<br /><br /><em><strong>2/25:</strong></em><br />1) I got a surprise trouble sleeping/good night call from a very tired Nicholas!<br />2) I should apply for a job at the Psychic Network...or play the lottery I guess.<br />3) Spring has sprung...the frogs are chirping their beautiful songs non-stop. Yes, I know that they are really just calling for mates. That's another reason I love it and them! lol.<br />4) Three words: Thunderstorm. Good sleep.<br />5) Falling asleep while listening to the wind chimes!My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-78080012150176519512009-02-17T13:27:00.006-06:002009-04-02T12:08:00.327-05:00<p><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time."<br />- Abraham Lincoln (attributed)</span></strong></p><p>One night, I got to see a beautiful, yellow-orange lunar planet in ALL its glory.<br />My all-time favorite reality show, the one that involves immunity idol's... started again.<br />I got some *fresh*, very tasty lunch meat that starts with the letter P...it's been a long time since I've tasted that and it's one of the few things I can taste...so YAY!<br />I found out that one of my very dear friends, had her third healthy daughter! The world will be a better place because this woman is procreating! <br />One of the temporary canine residents here was adopted out again. She went through some very, very serious medical issues after she was born and although she survived, is a special needs canine which is why I used the word "again". I believe the third time is a charm and that these people will be exactly what she needs.<br />Semi-nude internet web-cam visual and audio relations with you know who! Yee-freakin-haw! <br />One of the permanent canine residents here that is the epitomy of a one-person-dog...finally broke down and had a little awesome tug-o'war-woobie time with me...I guess all the treats finally got through!<br />The temperature was finally such that I didn't shake like a tamborine when I had to go outside.<br />I doubled up and had a nice day out with a great, great friend.<br />My favorite cousin, got the much needed medical attention she was requiring but couldn't afford. I found two very, very inexpensive, educational books for a very special birthday coming up for a little boy that's very special to me!<br />Somebody ordered a bottle of my favorite candy, that can only be found in up-state NY. It should be here some time next week. Hopefully I will still be able to taste it.<br />Someone that I have only had a professional relationship with for however many years now, just extended a hand of friendship via a very popular, addicting internet website. She is an awesome, awesome woman and I look forward to getting to know her better.<br />Although I paid the price of doubling up from the day before, I took a sleeping-pill and slept most of the day away.<br />The only other reality show I like to watch, which involves a looooot of traveling began again too. The swelling in my hands went down enough that I was able to paint my tootsies!<br />The dryer got fixed and I was able to catch up on my laundry.<br />One of my friends recently had her boobies squishded and sought my guidance in going forward with some suspicious spots...and I was able to help. No news yet, but I'm hoping this will soon be something else I'm able to be thankful about!<br />I was able to do something really, really nice for my daughter!<br />The wooden/barb-wire barricade that surrounds the property has finally been fixed...hence I will not be chasing down and trying to cajole any small equines back within the confines on a weekly basis. That gets real old...real fast! lol.<br />The really, really sick canine I've been caring for...is down to one nebulizer treatment a day! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!<br />I got a brand new pair of wonderfully warm jammie pants...which is a good thing since the damn temperature dropped again.<br />Someone gave me their copy of the 1st season collection of the gayguy/redheadedgirl show!<br />And finally...I'm so very, very thankful for all the people that take those goofy pictures of their felines and then post them with funny captions. I laugh for a good half-hour about those every day!</p><p>Well...I can't say that was fun...but it was definitely time-consuming! I look forward to all future lists being back to simple! I'll post todays list, tomorrow. :)</p>My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-90177646137052921272009-02-13T13:15:00.005-06:002009-04-02T12:10:39.890-05:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">-Arthur Koestler</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">- Saint Francis De Sales</span></strong><br /><br />Whew. Been awhile. I should probably add more quotes for each of the days I missed, but frankly...I'm too tired. I scribble down my 5 things each day, totally intending to get on here and type them...but it's been a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">rough</span> few days, to say the least. That and the content of this post (aside from the 6 things) was started back on Wednesday night and it might get a little lengthy because I'm happily medicated and in a rambling mood. Don't say I didn't warn you.<br /><br />Yeah, so I'm trying to remedy the fact that I have never been the most patient person (among other things I'm trying to remedy), whether it was waiting for something to happen or to try and make something happen.<br /><br />There was a time when I didn't believe that all things could and would just happen...I thought one had to go out and put in the time and energy to make things happen, if they wanted it bad enough...and that the people that weren't willing to put in the time and energy, were lazy and must not have really, really wanted it.<br /><br /><br />Kinda throws a monkey-wrench into the whole "good things come to those who wait" theory though too, huh?!<br /><br /><br />Some times I have moments of weakness and just don't know what I believe anymore.<br /><br />Has some cosmic force been in play these past few years? Taking away my ability to just go out and work for/get what I want? Is this why I've been on this you-have-no-other-option-but-to-remain-stationary-and-be-patient path?<br /><br /><br />The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Twinkie</span>-Twit is being a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Twinkie</span>-Twit once again.<br /><br />I want to be back in Dubai with Ron and they boys. I want to be there to hug them and to try and comfort them. Not replace her, mind you. I already know from personal experience that I wouldn't ever be able to do that...but I'd love to just be able to hug them.<br />But, no. Here I am, thousands of miles away. And it stinks and it makes me sad.<br /><br /><br />What I do know, is that the last trip down the rabbit-hole was a bad trip. And I was very, very sad. And I got tired of being so very, very sad. And one of the reasons I started my blog...the 1st one that I had to abandon and this one...was so that perhaps if I'm gone someday and my daughter is forced to deal with the big "C" beast she could read my blogs...that somehow they might benefit her, maybe even help to guide her in the thousands of 'choices' that one has to make because of the big "C". Let her see that one has to fight with all they have but that's it's okay to also get tired, one can't help but get tired and weary and face the downside...wind up at the bottom of a very dark rabbit-hole. And I now hope, that she <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">sees</span> that one shouldn't stay down the rabbit-hole as long as I did, here as of late.<br /><br />I've learned, and I hope to teach her, that we do what we have to do and that's all we can do sometimes...and that all we can really control is our thoughts and our actions.<br /><br />This isn't to say that I'm not still struggling with some things inside my head...because I am...but outwardly...in order to not be at the bottom of the rabbit-hole anymore...I've got to change my actions in order to climb back up.<br /><br />I cannot change my current situation, which is:<br />I'm back here in the Mid-west. And because I'm a sane, responsible adult...the financially responsible thing to do, is to stay here until the end of next summer. I'll join Ron and the boys down south at the beginning of summer when they come back to the states and then we will all return overseas again together.<br />I can see my primary doctor here in the states to get refills on the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">meds</span> that I can...and that's it.<br />So getting most of the other meds is out of the question.<br />I have no health insurance, so getting anymore tests or scans is out of the question.<br />Because my house is gone, I'm staying with two friends who have graciously welcomed me to stay as long as necessary.<br />This means that because I live here with them, I do not <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">qualify</span> for any state assistance medically wise because of their combined income.<br />Which means that again...anymore tests and scans is out of the question.<br />My breast cancer was estrogen positive. The estrogen that my body naturally created fed the cancer...doubling it in size as quickly as possible.<br />Chemotherapy put me into <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">meno</span>pause, as it is supposed to do.<br />No estrogen, meant that if/when cancer returned...at least it wouldn't have estrogen to fuel it.<br />My body did not tolerate the adverse effects of the first, shall we say, anti-estrogen drug they put me on to keep me in menopause.<br />The second drug...didn't do its job and I came out of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">meno</span>pause which is apparently a million to one odds. Lucky me.<br />And of course, my body didn't tolerate the adverse effects of the 3rd drug they put me on either.<br />What all of this means is that now the only way to keep my body from producing estrogen...would be to have a hysterectomy.<br />No health insurance and being unable to qualify for state assistance means that a hysterectomy is also out of the question.<br />The last test I had, was a tumor-marker test back in August...which was still just under the radar thank goodness.<br />When I was in the hospital back in August as well, I had a brain scan, which also came back normal, (if you can believe that!) again, thank goodness.<br />Other than that, my last cancer scans weres back in July of 2008.<br />So, essentially...I'm a ticking time bomb.<br />In addition to this, the price my body has paid from the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Osteoporosis</span> and Arthritis most of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">meds</span> caused can only be a little relieved from the pain killers that I'm still able to get because they are inexpensive.<br />Don't get your panties in a twist, you won't see me on Oprah someday.<br />I take one and half <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">vicodin</span> in the a.m. and one and a half in the p.m. and that's it.<br />They, at least help to take the edge off.<br />And when I really need/want to function and do something...I double up my doses in order to do so...and then the next day, I do without and pay the price for the fun the day before.<br />Although I've been advised to increase my daily dosage...I'm smart enough to know that one increase would eventually lead to another and another and so forth. Thankfully, I recognize that I have enough medical problems as it is and do not need to add addiction to the list.<br />Without the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Osteoporosis</span> drug...I can literally feel my body deteriorating more and more each day. Specifically my hips and hands. I can feel my hip bones grinding every day. Not only does it hurt...but it successfully gives one a substantial case of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">heebie</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">jeebies</span>! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Blech</span>.<br />Although I take calcium to help with the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Osteoporosis</span> every, single day and drink milk with every meal (not because I feel I have to, I have just always, always, always LOVED MILK!)...my<br />Teeth are <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">massively</span> deteriorating. Literally, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">disintegrating</span> more and more...chipping away, causing fillings to fall out...cracking and breaking off piece by piece. I would say that if I'm not careful, I'll soon look like one helluva an old woman that lives in the sticks and has no knowledge that I'm actually living in the 21st century with real dentists and such and everything!...but I'm as careful as I can be...being very picky about what I eat, which has become mostly very, very soft foods.<br />Which is to say...they are beyond repair and dentures will eventually be in my future. Which I'm perfectly fine with. If it weren't for the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">Xylocaine</span> Pump Spray, the mouth pain would have already driven me to either down the entire bottle of vi<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">codin</span> and/or pull the effing things out myself. Truth be told...I'm 40 years old now and I cannot wait for dentures. I very much look forward to never having mouth pain again.<br /><br />So, to recap: I cannot change my physical whereabouts and I cannot change the fact that I'm currently a ticking time bomb.<br />And that is what got me so far down that damn rabbit hole.<br />Granted...in reality, nobody actually around me had knowledge of said rabbit-hole. I'm a fantastic actress when required. The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">RammerHammer</span> knew...but that was it...and I wholeheartedly believe and know that I would still be down there if it weren't for the wisdom he so wonderfully shares with me and the unbelievable peace he brings me.<br /><br />So...what I finally realized is that I need to get back to the old Peg.<br />The Peg that makes the best of whatever is.<br />If I cannot know where I stand medically speaking...than I have to not think about it period.<br />All I can do is live my life to the fullest in the here and now.<br />Doesn't mean that a small part of me isn't still sad about the things that I cannot change, of course, but I realize that I cannot dwell on that 24/7. It's not healthy...and it serves only to be miserable a lot of the time.<br />And if I cannot know where I stand medically speaking...if and when I'm faced with things going downhill again...than I would much rather the time prior to that have been as happy and memorable as possible.<br /><br />So there ya have it. That's my crazy update. Can't say I'm necessarily being '<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">positive</span>' about things. I'm just being thankful and grateful and happy with whatever is each day. I'm not letting my actions be influenced by my fears anymore.<br />Don't get me wrong...there are somethings or people, I should say, that are currently frustrating me to no end...and that will be another post. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">LOL</span>. But I'm not letting that or them be the main point of focus in my daily being.My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-6768341544720838792009-02-11T22:34:00.004-06:002009-04-02T12:12:27.424-05:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"Our attitudes control our lives. Attitudes are a secret power working twenty-four hours a day, for good or bad. It is of paramount importance that we know how to harness and control this great force."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">- Tom Blandi</span></strong><br /><br />Forgive me, it's been a rough couple of days.<br /><br />My 6 things from Monday:<br /><br />1) The sick Hunter puppy is doing substantially better...finally!<br /><br />2) Marshmellow toast! Yum.<br /><br />C) I got back in touch with another long lost friend.<br /><br />4) The boys each had a tooth pulled and handled it very, very well! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo-hoo!<br /><br />5) I found $20 in my old winter coat! Whoo-hoo.<br /><br />6) The people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or well on their way.<br /><br /><br />My 6 things from yesterday:<br /><br />1) The wind finally died down enough so the satellite worked again and I didn't miss Ellen!<br />IheartEllen.<br /><br />2) Sassafras got adopted! Yee-haw!<br /><br />C) Although I don't have health insurance anymore, my doctor is researching a way for me to hopefully have some needed tests done.<br /><br />4) I was able to stay awake long enough to watch NCIS...I'm officially hooked!<br /><br />5) The puppies are almost house trained, this means less steam cleaning the carpet, and steam cleaning is very, very hard for me to do...so this is a great thing!<br /><br />6) The people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or well on their way!<br /><br /><br />Todays 6 things:<br /><br />1) The sun rose today and it was beautiful!<br /><br />2) There was a wonderful, wonderful thunderstorm...and I had a wonderful afternoon nap!<br /><br />C) I was finally able to make friends and win the trust of the Brown Tabby stray 'Garage' that nobody has touched for 6 years. Hopefully I will be able to post a picture of him soon...there is something really, really special about him!<br /><br />4) The swelling in my hands has finally gone down enough and I can wear my rings again.<br /><br />5) I got the garbage out to the dumpster before the trash truck came!<br /><br />6) The people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or well on their way:)My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-62112937658583601832009-02-09T10:22:00.003-06:002009-04-02T12:13:26.051-05:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"The best way out is always through."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">- Robert Frost</span></strong><br /><br />Yesterdays 6 things:<br /><br />1) I got to see not one, but two I Love Lucy episodes I had never seen before...and I thought I'd seen them all!<br /><br />2) I got to refill some of my meds finally!<br /><br />C) I have the greatest friends in the world.<br /><br />4) Russell Stover Dark Chocolate Butter Cream candy...I can totally taste the cocoa! Yay!<br /><br />5) Somehow or another, I got my laundry done...before the dryer stopped working!<br /><br />6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way!My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-57968159071861354732009-02-07T22:48:00.005-06:002009-04-02T12:14:53.821-05:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water. Be still and allow the mud to settle."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">- Lao Tzu</span></strong><br /><br />Well, while the mud continues to settle and my crazy rests its weary way...it appears I have some catching up to do.<br /><br />Thursdays 6 things:<br /><br />1) I finally heard from my cousin and she's sober, safe and happy.<br /><br />2) I got to Skype with TheRammerHammer and the boys! Yay!<br /><br />C) One of the foster puppies got adopted!<br /><br />4) I got some prime Coco The Cabana Boy time. (Perhaps he should be a permanent #7!)<br /><br />5) It was warm enough to go outside in a short sleeve t-shirt!<br /><br />6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way.<br /><br /><br />Friday's 6 things:<br /><br />1) I got four hours of consecutive sleep.<br /><br />2) When the sattelite went out, I got to watch the first season DVD of Will & Grace. Which means I laughed. A lot.<br /><br />C) The Hunter puppy is getting significantly better health wise!<br /><br />4) I got a lot of paperwork done.<br /><br />5) I doubled up my meds and had a nice dinner out with 2 great friends...and didn't get sick!<br /><br />6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way.<br /><br /><br />And since I'm on a roll...<br />Todays 6 things:<br /><br />1) I got a much needed, good 2 hour nap in!<br /><br />2) The swelling in my hands finally subsided a little.<br /><br />C) I found a Christmas ornament that I remember having on our tree as a little girl and my Nana telling me the story about it. I can't wait to put it on a tree this year!<br /><br />4) I got the unbroke, Houdini colt back into the pasture safely. Again.<br /><br />5) I love when I get to see sleeping puppies dreaming!<br /><br />6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way!My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-50686746350690224922009-02-05T11:09:00.003-06:002009-04-02T12:15:24.686-05:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">- G.K. Chesterton</span></strong><br /><br />Another day... still a work in progress.<br />Off to the doctor today. Blech.<br /><br />My 6 things from yesterday:<br /><br />1) Puppies that are quickly picking up the art of potty training!<br /><br />2) Hearing that although my brother is going through a divorce, my nieces are having a better family life without all of the yelling and screaming.<br /><br />C) Dayquil...it numbs your throat instantaneously.<br /><br />4) Pasta, doing a stomach right.<br /><br />5) Warm weather is back!<br /><br />6) That the people and animals that I love and care about are healthy, or on their way:)My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-29621205032698240882009-02-04T11:11:00.003-06:002009-04-02T12:17:15.461-05:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">~Baruch Spinoza</span></strong><br /><br />Okay, first up...my 6 from yesterday.<br />Ya'll are gonna be shocked when I catch up to myself and if you aren't...I will be.<br /><br />Six things that I was grateful for and/or that brought me pleasure yesterday:<br /><br />1) Coco the Cabana Boy. 'Nough said.<br /><br />2) Got to spend the day with a great friend!<br /><br />C) Having said that, it was nice to have some down time yesterday too, also known as my own private Hermit time. Got some serious thinking done.<br /><br />4) The AT&T commercial where the guy drags his TV all over the house. This may have been exceedingly funny to just me... because of my meds.<br /><br />5) The funny/semi-adult conversation I had with my daughter via test messaging. Again, this can probably be attributed to my meds.<br /><br />6) That all of the people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or on their way.<br /><br />So, about the quote.<br />I'm going to try and attempt to find some middle ground. I have a tendency to be an extremist. Not all the time or in every aspect one can think of... just certain areas. Some of the time, I believe this has saved me some grief...other times, I believe this has only served to cause myself more grief than necessary. I'm not fooling myself though, I know that I will find <em>some</em> middle ground and I also know that I will probably be an extremist in certain areas of my life...for the rest of my life. I guess only time will tell.<br /><br />And time, along with fear and hope, is what the above quote is all about to me.<br />It feels as if I've been lost for a very long time now. Finding a bit of myself again, from time to time and getting more and more lost with every waking moment at other times. I've been bouncing myself back and forth and frankly, it's getting exhausting. I keep thinking that there has got to be a better way...but 'thinking', is as far as I've gotten. And me, being the most confilcted person I know...also knows that nothing will change if I don't change something. And to take my crazy one step further...what exactly am I going to change??? I haven't been able to put a definitive finger on it just yet. Hence, I'm starting little. Like with the 6 things each day.<br /><br />Part of me, the old me that creeps through from time to time, wants to live life to the fullest again...and part of me...the reality of the me after cancer...feels like I'm stuck, standing in a pile of molasses. Physically, I want to do things I was able to do before, but I can't. I mean I can, to some degree, if I double up my meds...but I don't want there to have to be any freakin' meds. But there are meds and even doubling up, doesn't allow me to do <em>everything </em>I used to do. What's that old saying? "Of all the things I miss, I miss my mind the most." Yeah, I miss my thought process the most...which technically isn't all that much better now...just slower I guess. lol. Have I ever discussed my unwillingness to accept the things I cannot change on this blog??<br /><br />Are you clueless now? That's to be expected...you don't live inside my head.<br />You should seriously consider putting <em>that</em> on your list of 5 things today!<br /><br />Anyhoo...the reason that I started this blog, well, the BBM blog, was 1) to be an outlet for myself. Once I was diagnosed, my thoughts and head were swirling. I thought that by getting things out of my head it would help me to think more clearly. Yeah, that didn't happen. lol. 2) I also started it, in the event that my daughter may someday have to go through what I've been through..that perhaps, by chance, maybe at least one thing I've written will be able to help her. Of course, the conflicted crazy woman in me, doesn't ever want her to read a single, solitary word for fear that she may end up crazy like me. And 3) I thought that my writing might be able to help someone else, someone that's already sane and wouldn't have to worry about my crazy infecting them. lol.<br /><br />Wow. Sure feels like I'm rambling and being very redundant.<br />So I think I will stop here. For today.<br />Hopefully, I will be back to post the 6 things for today.My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-54916065435995642312009-02-03T10:25:00.003-06:002009-04-02T12:18:32.972-05:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"Most plans are just inaccurate predictions."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">- Ben Bayol</span></strong><br /><br />Did I say I would post yesterdays 6 things later yesterday??<br />Yeah...'bout that...<br /><br />I suck...but always in a really good way.<br /><br />I got busy doing something that had to get done yesterday and didn't end up finishing until much later than planned and then promptly passed out.<br /><br />Perhaps I should start posting two lists a day...one list for today and then tomorrow's list the day before...that way, I won't ever be late or miss a day! But, then would I technically be posting the same list twice or kinda keep them separate and technically be posting a total of 12 things instead?<br />And does all this leave you thoroughly confused???<br />Thanks to my meds, it made sense in my head before typing it...for about a minute...then I got lost. So if it didn't leave you confused...can you explain it to me???<br />Just kidding.<br />I guess I should just keep playing catch up whenever I miss a day.<br /><br />So, I'll try again...<br /><br />Six things that I<em> was</em> grateful for and/or <em>brought</em> me pleasure <em>yesterday</em>:<br /><br />1) PB&J sandwiches that statistically have a greater chance of 'staying down' than not.<br /><br />2) Meds that when doubled, allow me to do some things much later than originally planned.<br /><br />C) My sanity and tempermant...have much improved over the years.<br /><br />4) Nekkid Skype/marimba playing.<br /><br />5) Liddo puppies.<br /><br />6) That the people and animals that I love and care about are healthy or on their way to being healthy:)My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-9068957897521733812009-02-02T08:58:00.004-06:002009-04-02T12:19:49.328-05:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">- Lewis Grizzard</span></strong><br /><br />Yeah. It's the blocking that I defnitely seem to have issues with. LOL, but I'm workin' on it.<br /><br />So, I'm bettin' you're thinking that I was at some kick-arse Super Bowl Party, got snot-slinging drunk and ended up puking my guts out behind a dumpster in an alley, eh?? And <em>that</em> will be my handy-dandy excuse as to why I didn't post my 6 things yesterday...am I right?? Well, you just take a step back and reholster your bitch-slapping hand thankyouverymuch. I can take a well deserved bitch-slap just as good as the next guy...but an unwarranted bitch-slap??? Let's just say the scrappy lil' evil P just might open a can of whoop-arse on ya. Or, at the very least...a really, really old can of tuna to scare you off.<br /><br />What I'm gettin' at...is that I was down for the count most of yesterday. There was some puking my guts out involved...but it definitely wasn't worth it. No giddiness beforehand. What I mean to say is, Superbowl? What Superbowl??? The bad news is that The Cardinal's lost. The good news is that I didn't see it happen. The other good news is that apparently the commercials this year apparently left a lot to be desired, so I didn't miss much.<br /><br />So, I'm going to post 6 things from yesterday right now and the ones for today...later...cause when it comes to drawing that line in the sand and staying committed...that's how I roll.<br /><br />Six things I was grateful for and/or that brought me pleasure yesterday:<br /><br />1) That the bathroom isn't clear across the other side of the house I'm staying at.<br /><br />2) That I made the RammerHammer smile a little bit, even though he really didn't feel like it.<br /><br />C) That when you're cold and trying to sleep...puppies and kitties can be warm blooded quilts.<br /><br />4) That when called upon...some people step up to the plate and do what needs to be done.<br /><br />5) That I feel better than I did yesterday.<br /><br />6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy;)My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-22035396739933530702009-02-01T00:18:00.003-06:002009-02-01T00:26:56.885-06:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"Better Nate than lever."<br />- RammerHammer</span></strong><br /><br />Six things I am grateful for and/or bring me pleasure:<br /><br />1) The 60 degree weather today! Yay!<br /><br />2) The puppy is improving.<br /><br />3) Popcorn and Corn Pops.<br /><br />4) Old movies.<br /><br />5) Catching up with Jeanne! It was long over due!<br /><br />6) That all the people and animals that I love and care about are healthy:)My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-85000904406252077432009-01-30T11:35:00.007-06:002009-01-30T13:24:44.949-06:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"Grace, go to bed. You obviously have had a very busy day of crazy."<br />- Will Truman, (Eric McCormack)Will & Grace</span></strong><br /><br /><br /><br />So, I was thinking about quotes having to do with grace. Some of you will know right where I'm going with this and the other two of you will, as you read on.<br /><br /><br />Anyhoo, I was originally going to use the following quote:<br />"We re all stumbling towards the light with varying degrees of grace at any given moment."<br />-Bo Lozoff<br /><br /><br />Because right now, it feels as if I'm stumbling (and at times, falling flat on my face!) with maybe...2 degrees of grace...and even that's high-balling it. So, I'm going to be a little selfish right now. I want more or at the very least, as much as I think I used to have.<br /><br />Then I remembered the Will & Grace quote...specifically the part about "a busy day of crazy".<br />Although I obviously identify with both quotes, me being who I am, had to lead with the funny one.<br /><br /><br />Now, on to what the purpose of all this 'grace' talk is about.<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK-S-DCOEY9xHIlfujo1y6mlxUZYX1MLIR7ASblSDn7zE9p0kiWUEvjJuM81O48uUf3N6ngRgZsMKUVIL2SSCWzCS2bx4lAAFN50wnHCdIHYb7-pHywOAZ7AQ88PAAuEf6EKheUGo0k30/s1600-h/seal.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5297146816890308354" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 250px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 192px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK-S-DCOEY9xHIlfujo1y6mlxUZYX1MLIR7ASblSDn7zE9p0kiWUEvjJuM81O48uUf3N6ngRgZsMKUVIL2SSCWzCS2bx4lAAFN50wnHCdIHYb7-pHywOAZ7AQ88PAAuEf6EKheUGo0k30/s320/seal.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I first read about it at Lunasea's blog. I'm usually all about giving credit where credit is due...but I half-ass it when it comes to posting links. That being said, Lunasea's blog is in my sidebar...go there and you'll see the links to where she got it from.<br />Yes, Colleen...I'm using you. I bet ya feel all derty now, don'tcha?!?<br /><br /><br />Clearly, given the days since New Year's, I'm no good<em> at all</em> when it comes to being positive <em>every single day</em>.<br />Hence, I'm going to shoot for an unspecified amount of time each day...of being positive.<br /><br />So I'm going to committ to this 365 days of grace in small things.<br />I am going to post 5 things every, single day.<br />These posts may or may not be accompanied by additional blogging and if I happen to miss a day for some unknown reason, I will post two lists as soon as humanly possible. When I say "miss a day", I mean due to illness, ice storms, etc. What I won't do...is <em>not</em> post because I don't feel like it or am having a negative day or whatever. No rinky-dink excuses...and if I ever try to, I want all four of you that still read my blog to virtually bitch-slap me. Kthanx.<br /><br />In typical, complicated mybrandofcrazy fashion, listing 5 things every day isn't going to be easy. When I think about being grateful and thankful, I immediately go directly to the big things...like "I'm thankful and grateful that everyone I love and care about, is healthy". Here's where the crazy comes in: I'm gonna instinctively want this to be 1 of the 5 each time because I'm also a little on the superstitious side and if I list it once (and I have to, lol) than I feel like if and when I don't list it...something not-so-good will happen to one of them. I'm not talking in a catastrophic way necessarily, they could just stub their toe really, really bad. Yep. If that doesn't confirm I'm a kook, than I don't know what will.<br /><br />So, in order to stick to the plan as close to 100% as I can, I'm going to list 6 things each day. I'm also going to go the same route as Lunasea. I'm going to list things I'm grateful for and/or things that bring/give me pleasure. I hear it takes 21 days to form a habit, be it a good or bad habit. And I'm the type of person that generally learns best via repitition, especially these days. Hence, I'm hoping this is a small step in the right direction, of getting my life back to where I want my life to be. I don't know, she explained all this much more eloquently than I ever could. Really, I urge you to go to her blog and read about it...it will make much more sense than I'm trying to make.<br /><br />Without further ado...<br />The 6 things I'm grateful for or that bring me pleasure today:<br /><br /><br />1) That the whole Peanut Butter samaonella thing currently going on does not include actual jars of peanut butter. Peanut butter is one of the few things I can still taste and it would really stink if it was taken away, even if it would only be for a little while.<br /><br />2) Neutrogena Facial Moisturizer. It's water-based and I detest greasy, oily based moisturizer.<br /><br />C) Stephen Pinker. If it weren't for him and the brilliance he willingly shares with the world, the most amazing man I have ever known, might not be willing to buy my brand of crazy. I'm going to elaborate about this tomorrow if I can.<br /><br />4) That Hunter puppy, the foster puppy here, that currently has a terrible case of pneumonia...is still alive and fighting and somehow knows I'm trying to help him when I shove my fingers down his throat in order to help him breath better.<br /><br />5) Colleen...thank you so much for being the catalyst for me!<br /><br />6) That all the people and animals that I love and care about...are healthy...or at least hopefully, on their way to being healthy again:)My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-79888944708578421782009-01-29T14:46:00.002-06:002009-01-29T15:02:23.849-06:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"and the silent wind still blows,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">that only she can hear,</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">And so, she goes."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">- Doug Edwards and Dave Richardson</span></strong><br /><br />Someday, in this life or another, I hope I can find a way to understand myself as well as I understand animals.<br />After 40 years with little progress, that happening is highly unrealistic in this life.<br />These are the times that I dislike being realistic by nature.My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-24240250873457169652009-01-21T13:08:00.003-06:002009-01-21T17:01:53.808-06:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"Men are respectable only as they respect."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">- Ralph Waldo Emerson</span></strong><br /><br />So, yesterday I began my fourth decade of life.<br />It was a good day.<br />I was able to Skype with R and we watched the Inauguration together.<br />Then my dear friend took Daisy and I out to dinner.<br />R sent me some awesome vegan treats, made by one of our very dear friends.<br />My dear friend gave me a beautiful sterling silver bangle with an Emerson quote inscribed on it, not the above quote, but another.<br />And Daisy gave me a wood wick candle...I love these candles, they crackle like a fire place...great to hear whilst falling asleep. Not falling asleep, as in sleeping all night and leaving the candle unattended of course...just a nap.<br /><br />Anyhoo...the quote.<br />I'll preface the following by saying that I try not to judge people...and I think I'm pretty good at not doing so. I do not believe that I am better than others or above others. On the contrary, I know I'm crazy and that my warped way of thinking is crazy as compared to others. I do believe, however, in doing the 'right' thing and I don't believe that asking others to do the 'right' thing is ever too much to ask. <em>Expecting </em>others to do the 'right' thing...well, I get that <em>that</em> is foolish and only sets oneself up for disappointment. And letting people get away with doing the 'wrong' thing...well, I believe that <em>that</em> is setting oneself up for even more disappointment.<br /><br />Something happened a couple of days ago, that I've felt very conflicted about ever since.<br />In one way, it seems petty and insignificant, because there are bigger fish to fry and in another way, it feels like a big deal to me...because respect is a <em>very, very, very,very</em> big deal to me.<br />Someone that R and I went to school with years ago, that we recently got back in touch with, *I feel*...crossed a line.<br />*I feel* that this person disrespected R, myself and 'us' as a couple...not to mention themselves in doing so, but I digress.<br />I loathe disrespectful people and classify them as stupid people because it doesn't take a college degree to know the difference between being respectful and being disrespectful.<br /><br />R looks for the good in people and tries to draw it out...which, of course, he is very good at.<br />I believe that I also look for the good in people and try to draw it out.<br />R believes that people can do or make stupid mistakes/decisions and still be good people.<br />I agree...to some degree...because we are all individuals and what's right for someone else may not be right for me and visa versa...but I whole-heartedly do not agree when it comes to respect.<br />He believes in looking past the transgression, no matter what.<br />I believe in looking past some transgressions...however, disrepect is not one of them.<br /><br />I spent many, many years essentially being a people pleaser, for lack of a better word.<br />People would do and say disrespectful things to/about me...and I kept my mouth shut. I went with the theory of 'forgive them for not knowing what they do'...blah, blah, blah.<br />After so many years, I came to realize that a majority of the time...people knew exactly what they were doing and did it anyway. I learned that some people are smart about being disrespectful and others are smart enough to play dumb about being disrespectful. I learned that people who disrespect others...are toxic people. I learned that by keeping my mouth shut...I basically gave them permission/free reign to do it, something similar or even worse to me...<em>again</em>. I learned that in regards to respect, we teach people how to treat us.<br />So I stopped keeping my mouth shut. I call people out...and I don't sugar-coat it.<br /><br />It is not okay to treat people disrespectfully in any way, shape or form.<br />Millions of people know this. Millions of people respect themselves enough to make respecting others, a high priority on their list of life. Again, because it's not hard and one doesn't have to be rocket-scientist to do so.<br />I do not like when people disrespect me and I do not like when people disrespect the people that I care about. I do not like it when people disrespect me and/or the people I care about and <em>it</em> causes issues between me and the people that I care about. And I do not believe that not having any self-respect gives one a free-get-out-of-jail card for disrespecting others.<br /><br />So, where it stands now is that R is apparently, a better person than I.<br />He believes in forgiving and forgetting...period.<br />And I wish I could be more like him.<br />I can forgive and forget...but I have already had enough toxic people in my life to fill two lifetimes over...hence, I forgive, forget and then you don't exist in my world anymore... because I will never, ever give you the chance to disrespect me again.<br />Of course, our very different views, makes it tricky for me to have someone not exist in my world anymore.<br />Which in turn, makes it very difficult for me to forget.<br />Disrespect leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. So when I see this person, see a picture of this person, hear their name or just think of the contact that R will still have with them...well, it just makes me cringe, gives me that eeeellllluuuuccchhhh feeling. It or they, as the case may be...irk me. It disgusts me, to know that they have ample opportunity...and even the potential in and of itself, to cause more discourse in our relationship...and that the odds are...that they will gladly take that opportunity again...only this time, behind my back more than likely.<br /><br />R didn't feel disrespected to begin with by what this person did.<br />Me...it was a crappy feeling to have felt and still feel and I'd just as soon, not feel it again and give this person the chance and obvious pleasure of making me feel this way again.<br /><br />I get that he didn't feel disrespected. I don't understand it, but I get it. As I said, I know we are all indiviuals, him and I included, and that we think and feel different things for different reasons.<br />Him not feeling disrespected by what this person did though...makes me feel crazy for feeling disrespected by this person and all the feelings that come with it.<br />Let me be clear...this has nothing to do with trust or my trusting or not trusting R.<br />I totally and completely trust R. I know that he loves me and would never betray my trust. I know that, with every ounce of my being.<br />The issue I have is with giving disrespectful people the potential and opportunity to cause R and I more grief in our relationship.<br />I am very good at screwing up my own relationships and do not require and/or want/need any outside help whatsoever.<br />Go ahead, remember the name of this blog is My Brand Of Crazy and shake your head, I'll wait.<br /><br />So here I am. Confused and conflicted. Do I feel the way I feel because of my past experiences or do I feel the way I feel because this is just who I am as a person? And either way, does it matter? Either way, does that make me so wrong?<br />Don't get me wrong, I am not one that tends to let other people rent space in my head, nor do I carry around hate or whatever in my heart.<br />Like I said, typically, people don't exist in my world anymore. I don't waste any more precious time or my breath to, for, on or about them. I try to learn from the lesson and move on.<br />Is that wrong? Am I wrong? Is that the easy way out?<br />Those aren't rhetorical questions...although I'm not really asking either. I mean I am asking...but not you, I'm asking myself...and I know that they are questions, that given the circumstances, I can only answer for myself.<br />I know what my <em>gut</em> tells me to do and I know that when I don't follow my gut...I usually get exactly what I expected, but tried to deny...hence exactly what I deserve, with nobody to blame but myself at that point.<br />So my head, heart and gut are in a conflicted state of being...thus my brand of crazy gets crazier with each passing day.My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-44628276695188200912009-01-19T12:23:00.002-06:002009-01-19T14:03:44.302-06:00<strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">- Gilda Radner</span></strong><br /><br /><br />I don't know if I've already posted this quote on either blog...but man...I hope she is right.<br /><br /><br />My last quote and post was in reference to a couple of different things. Some of which I'm willing and not willing to discuss right now.<br /><br /><br />At any rate, yes, due to health and financial reasons, my stay in the states is being extended.<br />As you all can probably guess, I'm not exactly happy about this.<br />A part of me can't help but wonder if the reason that some of these things that are happening, are happening because for the sake of R and the boys, I shouldn't be there with them.<br /><br /><br />I can't say that I 100% support the theory that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that some things happen for a reason.<br />So, I get that sometimes, where ever we physically are in life, that *that* is where we are supposed to be at that time.<br /><br /><br />Having said that, I get that I am where I am right now for several reasons. I'm trying to help a dear friend with her rocky marriage right now, and it's better for her to be able to physcially get out of her house and hang with me from time to time. There are also relationship issues with the couple that I'm staying with...so I'm trying to help them as well, even though my past relationship history proves that I probably have no business trying to help anyone at all. The little puppy with pneumonia here, would have gone to The Bridge weeks ago, if I weren't here to be able to watch him like a hawk 24/7...among other reasons.<br /><br /><br /><br />And although, I'm the first to admit that I'm the most contradictive person I know and that I'm okay with myself being the most contradictive I know...I really dislike being as contradictive about life as I am right now.<br /><br />Forgive me if that made no sense whatsoever, my meds have officially kicked in. I hate, hate, hate all of these damn meds. I hate typing the words 'everything' and 'sometimes' and not instinctively knowing if I'm using them separately or together in the right damn context.<br /><br /><br />Anyhoo...I don't understand why situations and circumstances and life in general, always refuse to let me be, *where* *I'm* happiest...and the few times that it does/has...it's so effing shortlived. Why do things always have to be so effing complicated and difficult. Why don't things ever seem to effing work out. I know, that sounds so incredibly childish and selfish. I know that life isn't always fair but not always being fair and never effing being fair are two different things.<br /><br />For the life of me, I can't figure out what to hell it is that I must have done so poorly or wrong in the past. At the very least, I'd like to apologize to whomever or for whatever it was that I did...not to mention, I'd rather not repeat whatever to hell it was, if it results in life <em>now</em>.<br /><br />Ready for the next complicated contradictive me? (I say that as if you didn't get enough of it in what I already wrote.<br /><br />In the same breath, I wholeheartedly know that we don't get what we deserve, we just get what we get.<br /><br /><br />Either way...I feel like the past 10 years have flown by and yet, here I still sit in Missouri (a.k.a. square one), yelling out into a pasture. Questioning wtf I'm doing here. In Missouri. On this planet. In this damn life.<br /><br />Yep. I get it. I'm being unappreciative again about the blessings I have in my life. The people I care about are healthy and mostly happy. I still have a great daughter. R still wants to be and is an integral part of my life, although I don't know if that's always in his best interest. I hate that because the way my life always goes, that it sometimes makes R feel like he's failing me. He couldn't "fail me" if he tried. He's not that kind of man. He doesn't have that kind of heart. I hate that I'm not as strong as people think I am. I hate that I'm not always as strong as I want to be. I hate that when I'm not...it results in bringing him sorrow.<br />It makes me question if and whether or not I really know what love is and is all about.<br />If I love him, I wouldn't bring him any sorrow. People that say they love someone...don't do that to them. I know that.<br /> <br /><br />Whatever. Clearly, I rambling and still probably making no sense.<br />So where do I go from here...I guess I just keep breathing, even when I don't want too.<br /><br />On the good days, I'll try to make the best of things and keep trying this positive crap.<br />And on the bad days, I'll try to sleep through the fact that such is my life.My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-81572080024224721432009-01-16T03:00:00.003-06:002009-01-16T03:09:40.514-06:00<span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>"How disappointment tracks the steps of hope." </strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>- Letitia Landon</strong></span><br /><br />And scars solidify self-worth.<br />Yep, being positive didn't last very long.<br />I believe I was born in the wrong time, the wrong era and possibly the wrong world.<br />Such is life.My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-34215806863062570712009-01-08T11:16:00.001-06:002009-01-08T11:21:05.384-06:00<span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”<br />-John Pierpont Morgan<br /></strong></span><br />So, it's a New Year and once again, I'm going to try this positive schmositive stuff.<br />As humans, I guess, it's just what we do.<br />Good days and bad days. Sometimes the days stretch into months.<br />And it's hard to see and remember that it's all about ebbing and flowing when you're deep into the bad days.<br /><br />I guess what I'm saying is that I'm over my little, pathetic pity party.<br />Yes, I'm aware of how pathetic I sounded and although I'm going to open the comments back up, I'd prefer no comments about the December posts if that's okay with you? Kthankyouverymuch.<br /><br />I got my Christmas wish and then some.<br />No celebrating whatsoever.<br /><br />I ended up in the hospital on Christmas Eve.<br />No immune system plus the nastiest flu bug I have ever had made for a holiday spent with doctors and nurses due to severe dehydration.<br /><br />You ready for your first 2009 MyBrandOfCrazy funny moment?<br /><br />I would have given both my arms for a toilet like this that night:<br /><br /><a href="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2402/2512565599_5c4b8b04a2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; float: left; width: 500px; height: 500px;" alt="" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2402/2512565599_5c4b8b04a2.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />But no, one toilet was it.<br />The funny part...well...I passed out and fell off the toilet. The Porcelain Goddess and I have been best friends for three years now, since chemo and all my meds mess with my stomach on a daily basis....but I can't say that <em>that</em> has ever happened before. Thank goodness I was able to wipe before hand! I woke up on the floor, wondering why my ass was so cold then kinda realized what had happened and that my jammie pants were still down around my ankles.<br />Then the fun really started when I began hallucinating.<br />This is when my generous hosts raced me to the hospital.<br /><br />A couple days of IV fluids later...they sent me back home.<br />Where I slept for the next two days.<br /><br />I was somewhat better by New Year's Eve but not well enough to celebrate. I set my phone alarm to wake up at midnight and sent out the obligatory "Happy New Year" texts. Then promptly fell back asleep. Watched the Rose Bowl Parade...loving that they don't air it at 6 or 7am anymore! And then proceeded to not watch one single, solitary football game. It was a good way to start the year.<br /><br />Nothing too eventful since then.<br />May or may not be returning to Dubai this month, barring no major problems.<br />I would be beyond thrilled, of course, but I'm taking it one day at a time and remaining guarded.<br />We hate that we're both sane, responsible adults.<br />I wish that we could just throw the money at a plane ticket and screw whoever else wants money from us...but that's just not who we are. Even though it sucks sometimes.<br /><br />My birthday is coming up. Inauguration Day. Yep, every 4 years I get birthday cards from my brothers. It will be the 15 anniversary of my 25th birthday. Doesn't that sound better than 40?? I think so.<br /><br />I'm glad Obama won the Presidency. He may not be a Republican, but I'm betting if he's willing to protect us from our own government, he'll probably do well to protect us from other governments too. Do I think he's going to be able to do everything he promised while running? Nah, I'm no fool, but I'm guessing he will be one of the first Presidents in a long time to get pretty damn close. Sometimes I don't think he realizes how much his hands will be tied regarding certain matters and other times I think that the American people don't realize how much his hands will be tied regarding certain matters. Either way, it's going to be an interesting 2009 politically speaking and if I could be anyone other than myself...I would not want to be Obama.<br /><br />Anyhoo...another new beginning.<br />I'm reading my 365 days of Taoism book again.<br />And I'm meditating again as well.<br />I grew away from both and attribute my poor attitude to that.<br />Going back and reading my archives from the BBM blog, I realized I'm not the same person I was then...and I like that person much better than the person I became in December...no...make that August.<br />If I ever see that girl again...it will be too soon.<br />And somebody slap me. Please.<br /><br />Hope all is well with everyone.<br /><br />**Edit** - Apparently, I lied. When I can figure out how to re-open the comments, I will. ;)My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-56471213479426977802008-12-12T10:59:00.002-06:002008-12-12T11:24:55.068-06:00<span style="font-size:130%;">"There is never enough time to do or say all the things that we would wish. The thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have. Remember Scrooge, time is short, and suddenly, you're not here any more. "</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">- The Ghost Of Christmas Present</span><br /><br />So, in an effort to prove I'm not 100% a Scrooge this year, as some emails accused...I decided to do something a little different this year.<br /><br />I'm currently without a lot at this point in time. I essentially have clothes and pictures. Some of my stuff is in storage and all my really important belongings, again, are three or four oceans away and I will not be able to spend the damn holidays with the people I want to spend them with.<br />I sold the car months ago and the house is officially gone. Note, that I didn't say I sold that too.<br />Gotta love our economy and the asshats that created it.<br /><br />Anyhoo...my point is...that I basically have nothing to give anyone this year. I also have little to no funds to assist in my giving anyone anything. I wasn't even going to do Christmas cards this year. And I'm still not, but I am going to blow $8 bucks on one book of stamps.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong, I got some very nice emails about my previous post as well and quite frankly, the ones that weren't so nice...well...as per my usual bitch attitude...I don't give a rats ass about those ones or what the people that wrote them think about me. The nice ones got me to thinking a little bit though.<br /><br />So, this year...since I have nothing tangible to give, in the spirit of giving (which is what I like best about the holiday season and why I'm in such a bitchy mood about it)...I'm going to give the only thing I have left to give...good memories.<br /><br />I'm going to type out little, letters of my favorite individual memories of a select few, tailor made to each person and send them off. I hope, at the very least, that it makes a couple of people smile and laugh.<br /><br />Not that this is gonna be a great gift to send off because thanks to all the meds, my memory really sucks these days...and the typing...well, as I've said before, the days of a 120+ wpm's are long gone. Hence, I began the chicken pecking yesterday in the hopes that I can actually get them out in a timely manner. And I readily admit, it was nice remembering said events with different people and did indeed bring a smile to my face while typing them.<br /><br />All that being said, don't be fooled...I'm still pissed, hurt and tired. With the exception of the letters, I still will not bake, celebrate or be merry in any way, shape or form. And even though I hope that my letters bring joy to others...the tired bitch in me, still doesn't want to hear about it.<br /><br />I may have taken a little "detour" but I'm still going to hell in a handbasket and I still can't get there fast enough.My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-12971003736359868042008-12-09T16:16:00.002-06:002008-12-09T16:25:26.132-06:00<p><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">"It's beginning to look a lot like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Shitmas</span>."</span></strong></p><p>As you may have noticed, I haven't posted the way I used to post. This would be because I just don't feel the same way I used to feel. Well, perhaps that's not the whole truth. I've felt the way I feel now... for awhile now. I'm just really good at hiding it from other people. Keep people busy with witty words and funny stories or serious words about serious causes and they don't think that there's anything wrong, let alone ask...but truth be told, I'm tired. I'm exhausted.</p><p>My <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">xmas</span> tree is in a friend's garage, most of my ornaments went to good will last April, the important ornaments I kept are three or four oceans away, I won't be able to be with my daughter, nor will I be able to spend the holidays with R and the boys.</p><p>Hence, there will be no shopping. No decorating. No baking. No celebrating Winter Solstice. Nothing. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. And while the frustrated, tired bitch in me sincerely hopes that everyone else is already having a wonderful holiday season...I just don't want to see anyone else shopping, decorating, baking or celebrating either. The commercials are enough to make me want to slit my wrists every other three minutes as it is.</p><p>The last scans I had were almost a year ago...and I don't care. Even if I had money and/or health insurance right now...I wouldn't go to the doctor. In fact, I will go as far to say that even if someone paid the bill <em>and</em> me...I still wouldn't go. I don't want to know anything, anymore. I.Don't.Care.Anymore. I wish, like hell, that I would have found the lump and not done a thing about it. Yep. I really just wrote <em>that</em>. And if ya think that's bad...stop reading and hit the X in the top right corner, 'cause I'm apparently on my way to hell in a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">handbasket</span>.</p><p>Daisy is grown. She's a responsible, contributing member of society. She's fun and fair minded.My job is done.</p><p>I've got two other little boys, granted, that aren't mine, but it sure sucks to be missing out on life <em>with </em>them, when we only just barely got started.</p><p>And I've got a wonderful, incredible man that I love and that loves me.</p><p>I have no doubt whatsoever, about our love for one another.What I doubt, is that life will ever work out and allow us to actually be together again.</p><p>I'm sad. I'm beyond pissed. I'm hurt. I'm bitter. And did I mention that I'm tired? And all I want right now, the only thing I really want, is to go to sleep and not wake up. Ever. I do not want to be here anymore. I do not want to do this anymore. I do not want to live this way anymore...and more importantly, I don't want the people I love to have to keep living the way they're living because of me anymore. It breaks my heart, that it breaks their heart, when they feel like they can't help me in some way...when they've already done so very, very much.</p><p>And each morning I wake up. Disappointed. Again. I don't feel like I'm living. I feel like all I'm doing is existing...waking up every day and breathing.</p><p>Meanwhile...A happily married, mother of three lost her battle with cancer yesterday. Fifteen days before <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">xmas</span>...a happily married, mother of three lost her battle with cancer yesterday. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">WTF</span>? Why did this woman have to lose her battle? It's bullshit.</p><p>Now before anyone gets their panties (sorry <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Beej</span>) in a twist...I'm okay. I know typing what I typed, doesn't sound like I'm okay, but I am. I'm an adult. A level-headed, responsible, sane adult. I have no intention of hurting myself or taking my life in any form or fashion. I would never...ever...do that to my daughter or the other people that care about me. Got it? I hope so.</p><p>I'm okay. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything else. In fact, I'm going to close the comments after I'm done with this because I'm not here looking for comments. And I sure as hell don't want to hear anything about someone <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">else's</span> g-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">ds</span> plan for me. I'm thrilled that you have your g-d and that you believe everything you believe and that all of that makes you feel better, safer, whatever...and you're my family and I love you...but I do not want to hear anything that remotely has to do with your g-d and I, in relations to one another. I typed what I typed to get it all out of my head. Nothing more. Nothing less.</p><p>And don't sit there and think that I don't know I'm a heel. The three kids are healthy. R is healthy. The rest of my family and friends are all healthy.<br />I know that I'm lucky. I know that I should be way more thankful than I obviously am. I know that there are millions of people that are far, far worse off than I am right now.</p><p>I know. I suck.</p><p>Like I said... I'm going to hell in a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">handbasket</span>. I just can't seem to get there fast enough.</p>My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-69083425787796165802008-11-15T08:49:00.002-06:002008-11-15T08:58:49.655-06:00<span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>"Sit down Christian."</strong></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>- The Real Live Preacher</strong></span><br /><br />A friend passed this on to me and although you all know I am not religious...I felt the overwhelming need to pass it forward. It's from a guy known as "The Real Live Preacher." If you want to learn more about him, check out his website at <a href="http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LnJlYWxsaXZlcHJlYWNoZXIuY29t">www.reallivepreacher.com</a>. (I'm amazed that he is a BAPTIST!)<br />---------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />Sit down Christian. You cannot wave your unread Bible and scare me because I know the larger story that runs through it beginning to end. I'm trying to resist the temptation to snatch it from your hands and beat you with it.<br /><br />I am your worst nightmare, a Texas preacher who knows the good book better than you do. Show me your scriptures. Show me how you justify condemning homosexual people.<br /><br />Show me what you got, Christian. The Sodom story? That story is about people who wanted to commit a brutal rape. Let's all say it together, "God doesn't like rape". You could have listened to your heart and learned that, Christian. Move on. What else you got?<br /><br />A passage from Leviticus? Are you kidding me? Are you prepared to adhere to the whole Levitical code of behavior? No? Then why would you expect others to? Move on. What else?<br /><br />Two passages - two verses from Romans and one from I Corinthians. There you stand, your justification for a worldwide campaign of hatred written on two limp pieces of paper. Have you looked closely at these passages? Do you understand their context and original language? I could show you why you don't have much, but there is something more important you need to see.<br /><br />Come with me to the church cellar. Come now and don't delay. I am shaking with anger and fighting the urge to grab you by the collar and drag you down these steps.<br />You didn't know the church had a cellar? Oh yes, every church does. Down, down we go into the darkness. Don't slip on the flagstone and never mind the heat.<br /><br />There, do you see the iron furnace door, gaping open? Do you see the roaring flames? Do you see the huge man with glistening muscles, covered with soot? Do you see him feeding the fire as fast as can with his massive, scooped shovel?<br /><br />He feeds these flames with the Bible, with every book, chapter, and verse that American Christians must ignore to support our bloated lifestyles, our selfishness, our materialism, our love of power, our neglect of the poor, our support of injustice, our nationalism, and our pride.<br /><br />See how frantically he works? Time is short, and he has much to burn. The prophets, the Shema, whole sections of Matthew, most of Luke, the entire book of James.<br /><br />Your blessed 10 commandments? Why would you want to post them on courtroom walls when you've burned them in your own cellar?<br /><br />Do you see? DO YOU SEE?<br />Do you see how we rip, tear, and burn scripture to justify our lives?<br /><br />The heat from this cursed furnace rises up and warms the complacent worshippers in the pews above. The soot from the fire blackens our stained glass so that we may not see out and no one wants to see in.<br /><br />Do you smell the reek of this injustice? It is a stink in the nostrils of the very living God. We are dressed in beautiful clothes and we wear pretty smiles, but we stink of this blasphemous hypocrisy.<br /><br />Every church in America - mine not excepted - has a cellar like this. We must shovel 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, because every chapter and book we ignore must be burned to warm our comfy pews.<br /><br />Our souls are stained from this biblical holocaust, but somehow these two scraps of scripture mean all the world to you.<br />You swallow whole camels, and now you're gagging on a gnat? When did you ever give a shit about what the Bible has to say?<br /><br />Sit down Christian. Sit down and be you silent.<br />How long has it been since you forgot that we were called to walk the earth as pilgrims? Do you not remember when he told us to give our coats to those in need and sell our possessions to help the poor? Did you forget how the first church had all things in common so that none would lack.<br />Did you forget the day He told us that whatever we did for the oppressed we did for Him, and whatever we withheld from them was kept from Him as well?<br /><br />Sit down, Christian. You have not earned the right to speak to this generation. The right to speak is earned with love.<br />Take back your bible. Take it back and start reading it. Fall in love again with Jesus. Sell what you must and walk the earth. Let your love be astonishing and people may one day listen to your words.<br />Even now you might be saved. Our God is merciful and forgiveness awaits.<br /><br />The Real Live PreacherMy Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-68422121370604277252008-11-01T16:16:00.002-05:002008-11-01T16:38:36.331-05:00<span style="font-size:130%;">"Hatred comes from the heart; contempt from the head; and neither feeling is quite within our control."</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">- Arnold Schopenhauer</span><br /><br />Rarely do I use the word 'hate'.<br /><br />Okay, that's not totally true.<br />I use if often when I see or hear about children and animals being mistreated in any manner.<br />Oh, and whenever stupid people cross my path.<br /><br />But right now... there are aspects of October that I'm starting to hate as well.<br />It's great that breast cancer awareness has an entire month dedicated to it, but I'm sick to death of seeing celebrities on shows talk about it.<br />Specifically, those that have had it, with the only exception being Melissa Ethridge because she's the only one thus far that I've heard really speak about her experience and all that it entails...not to mention, I feel although she's a celebrity and financially wealthy, she still relates to those people that aren't celebrities and/or financially wealthy.<br /><br />I'm sick of hearing the other celebrities go on and on about how great America is because every woman with breast cancer has "<em>a team of doctors</em>" and how they've come so far and "<em>it's all about the journey</em>." And my personal, latest favorite one of, "<em>the minute you're diagnosed, you're a survivor</em>."<br /><br />It's hard to believe that I and other women have news for an effing anchorwoman...but guess what Miss Missy...not every woman with breast cancer has a "team of doctors"...some don't even have health insurance, let alone a "team of doctors". And it may have been "<em>all about the journey</em>" for you...but for some of us, it's a craptastic journey that we'd sooner forget and yet still have to travel on a daily effing basis.<br /><br />As for "<em>the minute you're diagnosed, you're a survivor</em>"...well some of us don't feel like we've "<em>survived</em>" an effing thing.<br /><em>You</em> may still have healthcare, great doctors, financial security and your effing mansion...but there are women all over the United States that have lost their jobs and healthcare... that don't have doctors anymore (if they even had one in the first place)...women that have lost their financial security and their home. Women that have damn near lost everything, if not most of everything. Women that are forced to choose between their meds/treatment or buying food for their children or trying to keep a roof over their head. Women that don't have the satisfaction and/or security of having regular scans to insure that their cancer is being held at bay, for lack of a better word, due to lack of funds.<br />Which begs the question, when you've lost (or have been forced to give up) everything...what exactly is it that they/we have <em>survived</em>??<br /><br />My guess, is that if you ever took the effing time to temporarily exit the secure, little (and when I write "little", I mean <em>effing little</em>) world you live in...and remember the real world from whence you probably came...<em>you</em> wouldn't go on national television and spew the shit <em>you </em>spew...all the while pretending that the world most of us live in, doesn't effing exist.<br /><br />This is not to say that I'd rather <em>you not</em> spread the word about breast cancer awareness, utilizing the 'medium' that lays at your feet...but for the love of what's right and the sake of those that don't have that same 'medium' laying at our feet, and all that comes with it...please stop forcefully shoveling crap at us.<br />Some women may not have food and/or the money to buy food...but they sure as hell don't want to eat crap either.<br /><br />Granted, we know your immediate reaction to what I've written above will probably be and/or is...but you've survived! You're still alive! You're still able to be around the people you love and that love you! You have to keep fighting!<br /><br />Here's another news flash for ya:<br />The "<em>fighting</em>", you speak so bravely about it...<br />Yep...we're all warriors, the minute we're diagnosed. Every one of us feels that 'fire in our belly'. We don't put on "a brave face"....we <em>have a brave face</em>...and a will of steel.<br />We plan not only on fighting, but fighting with every thing we have...not only for ourselves, but <em>more importantly for the ones that we love and that love us</em>.<br /><br />Then, some of us (read; not you), are smacked squarely in the face...by reality. The medical bills start adding up. Health Insurance Companies, doctors and diagnostic clinics refuse service until "deductibles" are paid up. Employers get sick of paying other employees overtime in the affected employee's absence. At which time, employer's "let" the affected employee "go". This, of course, eventually leads to people having to choose between COBRA insurance premiums and/or their mortgage/rent, among other bills. Employer related disability pays half or less of a typical income and trying to get on Social Security Disability seems to only work <em>reasonably fast</em>, for those that don't really need it in the first place. Then the regular bills start adding up. Then the people, the ones you love and care about, the same ones that love and care about you...and even the banks and utility companies that have done everything in their power to "<em>work with you, given your circumstances</em>"...the ones that have so graciously helped you in any/every way possible...they start getting tapped out...and you start feeling like a greater imposition, than when they first started helping you. And you start to see the effects of them and your children "going without". And don't even get me started about when and how Uncle Sam doesn't give a rats ass if you can't pay your income tax and/or personal property taxes.<br /><br />Yes, that's right...<em>you and I</em> may very well live in the same United States, but we also live in two completely different worlds.<br /><br />In the real world, when one is not a celebrity and/or doesn't have a million plus dollars in one's bank account...Insurance companies, Social Security, etc... tend to string people along and deny anything/everything for as long as humanly possible... banking on one's death, so as to never have to help at all.<br />In the real world, Uncle Sam and debt collector's work solely to spare people from a long, drawn out, painful death due to cancer or any/all other diseases...so that they can bleed you dry quickly instead.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong...there is and always will be a part of us, that is thankful and grateful to still be alive and to still be a part of the lives of the people we love and care about and that love and care about/for us.<br /><br />However, unbeknownst to <em>you</em>...<br />It gets harder and harder with every passing day, to be grateful for still being alive in a world that's seemingly falling down all around you and <em>more importantly, falling down around your children and the others you love</em>.<br />It's no easy task to hang on to the will to live, when one isn't really <em>living</em>. Not living <em>normally,</em> so to speak.<br />It's difficult, to spend day after day in great pain, sick and exhausted from being sick and in pain and worrying about one's health that may or may not be monitored because of financial restraints.<br />Add to that, the worry about every day financial issues and you have someone that's favorite part of the day to look forward to... is sleeping, because often times...that's the only ''<em>peace</em>" they know. Then when one actually gets in bed to go to sleep, a small part of them hopes and wishes that they don't in fact wake up the next day because they know it will be yet another day filled with pain, sickness, worry and disappointment.<br /><br />Now compound all of the above with the feeling of guilt. The guilt that one feels because they know there are still people in the world that have it worse than they do, so they feel like they shouldn't even have any thoughts of complaining, let alone actually complaining. The guilty feeling that even though they know they are not materialistic in way, shape or form...life has made it abundantly clear that money is exactly what it takes to alleviate a majority of life's problems, difficulties, issues and worries. The guilty feeling that yes, there are days when one can double up on their meds and have good days...and live somewhat normally by going out and about, or to special occasions and family gatherings...and there are also still all of the "little things" in life that make us smile or laugh on a daily basis...but the "good" days are few and far between compared to the typical 'everyday' that is filled with sickness, pain, stress and worry.<br /><br />Now top all of that off with the sprinkle of fear. Fear that things will never be <em>normal</em> again. Fear that one will never be able to financially recover from this journey that "<em>it's all about</em>." Fear about how the effects of being financially ruined will affect one's children, their well-being and their college education. Fear about how long it will adversely affect one's children in the long run in general. The fear that life is simultaneously standing still and flying by all at the same time. Fear about feeling like your holding others back and/or dragging them down with you. Fear about coming to terms with that little piece of you that believes that everyone just might be better off without you and all of the baggage that comes with you period.<br />The fear about <em>'what if'</em>. What if things do get better or start to get better and the Big C rears it's ugly head again. What then?<br /><br />There's no easy answer to "What then?"...but I can assure you that whatever the answer may be in<em> your</em> world Ms. Anchorwoman...it will be a drastically different answer and pale in comparison to the answer that awaits those of us in the <em>real world</em>.My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-57877403918500187922008-09-13T22:58:00.000-05:002008-09-13T23:00:42.791-05:00<span style="font-size:130%;">"The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next."<br />-Ursula K.</span> <span style="font-size:130%;">LeGuin</span><br /><br />I hate uncertainty.<br /><br />So, short story...<br />Took forever to get into my doctor's in Dubai. Once I was able to do so, they switched some of my meds. Said meds made me really, really sick. So sick, that I ended up in the hospital due to severe dehydration. During this time, my visit visa expired.<br /><br />Used to be that people would take a day trip to Kisch Island, return to Dubai and renew their visit visa while waiting for a residence visa. As of August 1st, the law changed, requiring people to return to their country of origin. Hence, the reason I'm back in the states.<br />Upon arriving back in the states, I went from the airport to a hospital for dehydration again.<br /><br />Feeling better now, back on my most of meds.<br />No definite date of when I will return to Dubai. Might be December at the latest. A's g-d I hope not that long.<br /><br />Although we Skype as often as possible, I miss TheRammerHammer and the boys and MobyLover something fierce.<br />Friends are keeping me busy, having fun when we can...I feel very lucky and grateful to have so many people care about me.<br />Thanks for all the kind thoughts!<br /><br />Hope all is well with everyone:)My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-3913788876939937272008-08-21T09:59:00.001-05:002008-08-21T09:59:59.439-05:00<span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:180%;" >"You can't pay enough money to...cure that feeling of being broken and confused."<br />~ Winona Ryder</span><br /><br />Due to visa problems and health issues, I'm back in the states.<br />Some wonderful friends have opened up their home to me and I know that the words "thank you" will never be enough.<br /><br />Although it's great to be able to come back and see all the people and animals that I dearly love and missed...<br />The words "broken and confused" don't even begin to describe how I feel.<br /><br />Probably won't be blogging much after this.<br />I'm numb and for the first time in my life...at a loss for words.My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8649342777844746986.post-65442577056683825442008-08-01T21:17:00.004-05:002008-08-02T02:33:55.365-05:00<span style="font-size:130%;">"Depression: Some say it's 'anger turned inward'. For me, it's always been a 'silent scream outward."</span><br /><br />Know what the difference between not wanting children/any more children is and not being able to have/have anymore children is?<br />Depression.<br />That's what.<br /><br />Doctor's appointment went as per usual.<br />Tests came back okay.<br />Prescriptions turned out to be tricky, but got straightened out in the end.<br />Sorry I haven't posted since then. I know some of you were worried and I did get a couple of your emails asking as much back then...but I've been down.<br />I've only been near the computer a couple of times since then, to speak with Daisy.<br />Otherwise...that's it.<br />Haven't been in the mood to speak with people.<br />Not sleeping well, to say the least and lot's of crazy thoughts going 'round and 'round my head these days.<br /><br />The kid thing has me bummed out. To say the least.<br />I know it's irrational, but I've been racking my brain, trying to figure out what to hell it was that I must have done in my past, that has made me deserve everything that's happened since being diagnosed on June 10, 2005.<br />I've considered myself to be a pretty good person.<br />I'm honest. Almost to a fault.<br />I try to always do the right thing.<br />I may think bad thoughts from time to time, but I keep 'Evil Peggy' at bay and never act upon the aforemention bad thoughts and usually just wish a bad case of butt acne on people instead of whatever bad thought I had in my head.<br />Thought I was a pretty darn good parent to boot.<br />My kid has had her up's and down's, as all kids do.<br />But, she's honest...sometimes to a fault. She's fair and compassionate. And I believe that she is and always will be a contributing member of society.<br /><br />Yet here I sit, not allowed to have anymore.<br />And some young, or old twit, whichever, is sitting somewhere right now, having her third or fourth one...not because she wants the kid...nope...because she wants the welfare check.<br />Yep...that's one of my bad thoughts.<br />And then I think...who am I kidding? Besides myself, of course.<br />What was I thinking?<br />Wanting more children?!?!<br />I haven't been able to 100% take care of myself since being diagnosed.<br />I'm 39 years old now and I still can't take care of myself.<br />In addition to not being able to take care of myself...there are some days when I can't even get out of bed. And I literally wouldn't...if R wasn't here to help me out and help me around or just scoop me up and put me where I need to be.<br />There are some nights, when I literally sit at or lay next to the toilet all night long.<br />And *I* wanted more children?<br />What a fool am I.<br />I feel like the pregnancy back in October of last year...the one that beat all the odds...when I was supposed to be in menopause and unable to even get pregnant...<br />Yeah.<br />That was just a carrot...a carrot, dangled in front of my face.<br />One to give me hope...just to be squashed when it didn't come to fruitation so quickly, so to speak.<br />And to make matters even worse...here I now sit, grieving for a child that never will be.<br />You know...one that doesn't exist now and never will.<br />What a fool am I, indeed.<br /><br />And to take it one step further...riddle me this... if you think you can.<br />And think long and hard about your answer...because right off the bat...I know by instinct what your first instinctive answer will be.<br />But give it some thought...think about if *you* were really in the same situation, what would your answer be???<br /><br />They say real love is being with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with...in good times and bad...in sickness and health...for richer and for poorer and yada, yada, yada.<br /><br />But what about if the bad times are because of you...your bad health...a bad health that costs gobs and gobs of money? Money that's theoretically taken away from your children? Money that they could use now or may need in the future?<br /><br />Is real love staying with the person that's decided to stay with you in the bad times, your bad sickness...that causes the poorer instead of the richer times to be often if not always?<br />Even though you know that if the roles were reversed...you'd stay with them and take care of them, in the bad times and sick times...no matter the cost...etc, etc.<br />Or is real love, on your part, being the sick one, costing gobs and gobs of money...<em>really</em> being strong enough, to be able to walk away...and spare that person, and your children... the burden of it all?My Brand Of Crazy...http://www.blogger.com/profile/15099195647831352613noreply@blogger.com9