"Men are respectable only as they respect."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, yesterday I began my fourth decade of life.
It was a good day.
I was able to Skype with R and we watched the Inauguration together.
Then my dear friend took Daisy and I out to dinner.
R sent me some awesome vegan treats, made by one of our very dear friends.
My dear friend gave me a beautiful sterling silver bangle with an Emerson quote inscribed on it, not the above quote, but another.
And Daisy gave me a wood wick candle...I love these candles, they crackle like a fire place...great to hear whilst falling asleep. Not falling asleep, as in sleeping all night and leaving the candle unattended of course...just a nap.

Anyhoo...the quote.
I'll preface the following by saying that I try not to judge people...and I think I'm pretty good at not doing so. I do not believe that I am better than others or above others. On the contrary, I know I'm crazy and that my warped way of thinking is crazy as compared to others. I do believe, however, in doing the 'right' thing and I don't believe that asking others to do the 'right' thing is ever too much to ask. Expecting others to do the 'right' thing...well, I get that that is foolish and only sets oneself up for disappointment. And letting people get away with doing the 'wrong' thing...well, I believe that that is setting oneself up for even more disappointment.

Something happened a couple of days ago, that I've felt very conflicted about ever since.
In one way, it seems petty and insignificant, because there are bigger fish to fry and in another way, it feels like a big deal to me...because respect is a very, very, very,very big deal to me.
Someone that R and I went to school with years ago, that we recently got back in touch with, *I feel*...crossed a line.
*I feel* that this person disrespected R, myself and 'us' as a couple...not to mention themselves in doing so, but I digress.
I loathe disrespectful people and classify them as stupid people because it doesn't take a college degree to know the difference between being respectful and being disrespectful.

R looks for the good in people and tries to draw it out...which, of course, he is very good at.
I believe that I also look for the good in people and try to draw it out.
R believes that people can do or make stupid mistakes/decisions and still be good people.
I agree...to some degree...because we are all individuals and what's right for someone else may not be right for me and visa versa...but I whole-heartedly do not agree when it comes to respect.
He believes in looking past the transgression, no matter what.
I believe in looking past some transgressions...however, disrepect is not one of them.

I spent many, many years essentially being a people pleaser, for lack of a better word.
People would do and say disrespectful things to/about me...and I kept my mouth shut. I went with the theory of 'forgive them for not knowing what they do'...blah, blah, blah.
After so many years, I came to realize that a majority of the time...people knew exactly what they were doing and did it anyway. I learned that some people are smart about being disrespectful and others are smart enough to play dumb about being disrespectful. I learned that people who disrespect others...are toxic people. I learned that by keeping my mouth shut...I basically gave them permission/free reign to do it, something similar or even worse to me...again. I learned that in regards to respect, we teach people how to treat us.
So I stopped keeping my mouth shut. I call people out...and I don't sugar-coat it.

It is not okay to treat people disrespectfully in any way, shape or form.
Millions of people know this. Millions of people respect themselves enough to make respecting others, a high priority on their list of life. Again, because it's not hard and one doesn't have to be rocket-scientist to do so.
I do not like when people disrespect me and I do not like when people disrespect the people that I care about. I do not like it when people disrespect me and/or the people I care about and it causes issues between me and the people that I care about. And I do not believe that not having any self-respect gives one a free-get-out-of-jail card for disrespecting others.

So, where it stands now is that R is apparently, a better person than I.
He believes in forgiving and forgetting...period.
And I wish I could be more like him.
I can forgive and forget...but I have already had enough toxic people in my life to fill two lifetimes over...hence, I forgive, forget and then you don't exist in my world anymore... because I will never, ever give you the chance to disrespect me again.
Of course, our very different views, makes it tricky for me to have someone not exist in my world anymore.
Which in turn, makes it very difficult for me to forget.
Disrespect leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. So when I see this person, see a picture of this person, hear their name or just think of the contact that R will still have with them...well, it just makes me cringe, gives me that eeeellllluuuuccchhhh feeling. It or they, as the case may be...irk me. It disgusts me, to know that they have ample opportunity...and even the potential in and of itself, to cause more discourse in our relationship...and that the odds are...that they will gladly take that opportunity again...only this time, behind my back more than likely.

R didn't feel disrespected to begin with by what this person did.
Me...it was a crappy feeling to have felt and still feel and I'd just as soon, not feel it again and give this person the chance and obvious pleasure of making me feel this way again.

I get that he didn't feel disrespected. I don't understand it, but I get it. As I said, I know we are all indiviuals, him and I included, and that we think and feel different things for different reasons.
Him not feeling disrespected by what this person did though...makes me feel crazy for feeling disrespected by this person and all the feelings that come with it.
Let me be clear...this has nothing to do with trust or my trusting or not trusting R.
I totally and completely trust R. I know that he loves me and would never betray my trust. I know that, with every ounce of my being.
The issue I have is with giving disrespectful people the potential and opportunity to cause R and I more grief in our relationship.
I am very good at screwing up my own relationships and do not require and/or want/need any outside help whatsoever.
Go ahead, remember the name of this blog is My Brand Of Crazy and shake your head, I'll wait.

So here I am. Confused and conflicted. Do I feel the way I feel because of my past experiences or do I feel the way I feel because this is just who I am as a person? And either way, does it matter? Either way, does that make me so wrong?
Don't get me wrong, I am not one that tends to let other people rent space in my head, nor do I carry around hate or whatever in my heart.
Like I said, typically, people don't exist in my world anymore. I don't waste any more precious time or my breath to, for, on or about them. I try to learn from the lesson and move on.
Is that wrong? Am I wrong? Is that the easy way out?
Those aren't rhetorical questions...although I'm not really asking either. I mean I am asking...but not you, I'm asking myself...and I know that they are questions, that given the circumstances, I can only answer for myself.
I know what my gut tells me to do and I know that when I don't follow my gut...I usually get exactly what I expected, but tried to deny...hence exactly what I deserve, with nobody to blame but myself at that point.
So my head, heart and gut are in a conflicted state of being...thus my brand of crazy gets crazier with each passing day.