"Depression: Some say it's 'anger turned inward'. For me, it's always been a 'silent scream outward."
Know what the difference between not wanting children/any more children is and not being able to have/have anymore children is?
Depression.
That's what.
Doctor's appointment went as per usual.
Tests came back okay.
Prescriptions turned out to be tricky, but got straightened out in the end.
Sorry I haven't posted since then. I know some of you were worried and I did get a couple of your emails asking as much back then...but I've been down.
I've only been near the computer a couple of times since then, to speak with Daisy.
Otherwise...that's it.
Haven't been in the mood to speak with people.
Not sleeping well, to say the least and lot's of crazy thoughts going 'round and 'round my head these days.
The kid thing has me bummed out. To say the least.
I know it's irrational, but I've been racking my brain, trying to figure out what to hell it was that I must have done in my past, that has made me deserve everything that's happened since being diagnosed on June 10, 2005.
I've considered myself to be a pretty good person.
I'm honest. Almost to a fault.
I try to always do the right thing.
I may think bad thoughts from time to time, but I keep 'Evil Peggy' at bay and never act upon the aforemention bad thoughts and usually just wish a bad case of butt acne on people instead of whatever bad thought I had in my head.
Thought I was a pretty darn good parent to boot.
My kid has had her up's and down's, as all kids do.
But, she's honest...sometimes to a fault. She's fair and compassionate. And I believe that she is and always will be a contributing member of society.
Yet here I sit, not allowed to have anymore.
And some young, or old twit, whichever, is sitting somewhere right now, having her third or fourth one...not because she wants the kid...nope...because she wants the welfare check.
Yep...that's one of my bad thoughts.
And then I think...who am I kidding? Besides myself, of course.
What was I thinking?
Wanting more children?!?!
I haven't been able to 100% take care of myself since being diagnosed.
I'm 39 years old now and I still can't take care of myself.
In addition to not being able to take care of myself...there are some days when I can't even get out of bed. And I literally wouldn't...if R wasn't here to help me out and help me around or just scoop me up and put me where I need to be.
There are some nights, when I literally sit at or lay next to the toilet all night long.
And *I* wanted more children?
What a fool am I.
I feel like the pregnancy back in October of last year...the one that beat all the odds...when I was supposed to be in menopause and unable to even get pregnant...
Yeah.
That was just a carrot...a carrot, dangled in front of my face.
One to give me hope...just to be squashed when it didn't come to fruitation so quickly, so to speak.
And to make matters even worse...here I now sit, grieving for a child that never will be.
You know...one that doesn't exist now and never will.
What a fool am I, indeed.
And to take it one step further...riddle me this... if you think you can.
And think long and hard about your answer...because right off the bat...I know by instinct what your first instinctive answer will be.
But give it some thought...think about if *you* were really in the same situation, what would your answer be???
They say real love is being with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with...in good times and bad...in sickness and health...for richer and for poorer and yada, yada, yada.
But what about if the bad times are because of you...your bad health...a bad health that costs gobs and gobs of money? Money that's theoretically taken away from your children? Money that they could use now or may need in the future?
Is real love staying with the person that's decided to stay with you in the bad times, your bad sickness...that causes the poorer instead of the richer times to be often if not always?
Even though you know that if the roles were reversed...you'd stay with them and take care of them, in the bad times and sick times...no matter the cost...etc, etc.
Or is real love, on your part, being the sick one, costing gobs and gobs of money...really being strong enough, to be able to walk away...and spare that person, and your children... the burden of it all?
All you need to know...
- My Brand Of Crazy...
- I'm me. The topics of this blog, will be the following: 1)My offspring...Daisy and R's offspring whom I haven't nick-named yet. 2)The love-of-my-life...The RammerHammer. 3)Any/all animals that cross my path and need help. 4)Breast cancer. I did the lumpectomy, the bi-lateral mastectomy, chemo, some re-construction and am still currently doing drug-therapy along with monthly and bi-monthly poking, prodding and tests. I'm about to embark on a journey that will take me to the other side of the planet. Oh...and I'm an ellipses addict. If this is a problem for you, do not bookmark and hit the 'X' in the upper right hand corner.
9 comments:
OK, I've thought about it, and my answer is still the same - real love is not walking away. Love also involves trust - trusting him to be honest with you and that when he says he wants to be with you, he knows what he's talking about.
Putting myself in his shoes, I'd be furious if my sweetie presumed to decide that for me. I think you'd feel the same if your and Ron's roles were reversed.
Huge hugs across the world..
((((((P)))))))) We love you.
Love means you are in it for the long haul. Sick or not. Gobs and Gobs of money or not. I don't have the insane bills that you do but my illness has put a HUGE financial burden on this family. Knowing that I would.....just like you would do anything for your partner it makes it all ok. You could offer the RH 1,000,000 dollars Peg and he still wouldn't give you up. Make sure you talk to him about how you are feeling. I am sure that he will re-assure you that it will all be ok. Love you !!!!
I think about it often what I would want or would do in that type of situation. I understand what you're saying, that you feel selfish for staying. However, people search and search for love for selfish reasons. R knew, when you found each other again, that you were ill, possibly dying. He wanted you anyway, for his own reasons. I think that to walk away, leaving him alone, through no fault of this own, would be an incredibly selfish thing to do... to yourself and to him. I think you both need each other. Enjoy the good times you have, cry and swear together during the bad. You NEVER know when the end may come. For all you both know, it could be his time tomorrow, then what...
I will just echo what everyone else already said. You two found each other again, and you're experiencing a love now that not everyone is lucky enough to have in this lifetime. So, in good times, and bad; in sickness and in health; and in everything else, hang onto it. Cherish it.
Love you!
I am just going to hug you from afar and tell you that I love you.
I've always had the upmost respect for you and the way that you've handled everything that gets thrown at you. You're one of the strongest women I know and your ability to take any situation, deal with it, process it and survive it with your sense of humor never ceases to amaze me. I can relate to how you feel. Since my car accident I've felt like the biggest burden to my family. You reach a new low when the person you've pledged your life to has to be the one to wipe your ass. LOL. When my pain was the greatest and my medication was incompacitating me, I was really hard on myself. I hated being helpless-in my mind, useless. I ended up making Hugh absolutely miserable because of my lack of self worth. I waited for him to leave me, I wouldn't have blamed him if he had. Our marriage suffered (even more) because of the way I felt about myself. He didn't get it. He didn't see me as the burden I felt I was. A few weeks after they put the stimulator in, he confessed something to me. He told me that he would've stuck by me no matter what and would've done anything no matter how icky.(see above) But the one thing that scared/upset him the most was his fear that I was one day going to give up. Not on life in general, but on "our" life. He had himself convinced that I would just leave one day and never look back. Trust me, I had thought about it. I didn't want to put my kids or him through anymore. I wanted them to be happy and deal with a "normal" mom and wife. He made me understand that a life as messed up and different as his was with me, it would be unbearable without me. Broken or whole, he needed/wanted me and nothing else mattered. I know you think it might be easier/better for Ron if he didn't have to help you so much. But it would be worse on him if you weren't there to be taken care of. You two know "where each other breathe's" and that's what matters. I envy the relationship you have and how you complete each other. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Thinking of you, love.
Peggy,
Hi, Dear. It's been awhile, 'cause I'm a lazy bum. Sorry I haven't been around to read in a while. But here I am. You've been blessed with one daughter whom you love so much, and it shows. There's always hope. There's the hope of remaining healthy and being around long enough to see your GRANDchild, right? What better kind of kid is there? You can love it, spoil it rotten, and give it back when you're done! I know, I'm just trying to lighten up a heavy situation. It boils down to this: I don't know what to say. I'm a man. I can't bear children. I don't know what that longing feels like. Keep blogging, girlie.
Just checking in...
Thinking of you
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