"You can't pay enough money to...cure that feeling of being broken and confused."
~ Winona Ryder
Due to visa problems and health issues, I'm back in the states.
Some wonderful friends have opened up their home to me and I know that the words "thank you" will never be enough.
Although it's great to be able to come back and see all the people and animals that I dearly love and missed...
The words "broken and confused" don't even begin to describe how I feel.
Probably won't be blogging much after this.
I'm numb and for the first time in my life...at a loss for words.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
"Depression: Some say it's 'anger turned inward'. For me, it's always been a 'silent scream outward."
Know what the difference between not wanting children/any more children is and not being able to have/have anymore children is?
Depression.
That's what.
Doctor's appointment went as per usual.
Tests came back okay.
Prescriptions turned out to be tricky, but got straightened out in the end.
Sorry I haven't posted since then. I know some of you were worried and I did get a couple of your emails asking as much back then...but I've been down.
I've only been near the computer a couple of times since then, to speak with Daisy.
Otherwise...that's it.
Haven't been in the mood to speak with people.
Not sleeping well, to say the least and lot's of crazy thoughts going 'round and 'round my head these days.
The kid thing has me bummed out. To say the least.
I know it's irrational, but I've been racking my brain, trying to figure out what to hell it was that I must have done in my past, that has made me deserve everything that's happened since being diagnosed on June 10, 2005.
I've considered myself to be a pretty good person.
I'm honest. Almost to a fault.
I try to always do the right thing.
I may think bad thoughts from time to time, but I keep 'Evil Peggy' at bay and never act upon the aforemention bad thoughts and usually just wish a bad case of butt acne on people instead of whatever bad thought I had in my head.
Thought I was a pretty darn good parent to boot.
My kid has had her up's and down's, as all kids do.
But, she's honest...sometimes to a fault. She's fair and compassionate. And I believe that she is and always will be a contributing member of society.
Yet here I sit, not allowed to have anymore.
And some young, or old twit, whichever, is sitting somewhere right now, having her third or fourth one...not because she wants the kid...nope...because she wants the welfare check.
Yep...that's one of my bad thoughts.
And then I think...who am I kidding? Besides myself, of course.
What was I thinking?
Wanting more children?!?!
I haven't been able to 100% take care of myself since being diagnosed.
I'm 39 years old now and I still can't take care of myself.
In addition to not being able to take care of myself...there are some days when I can't even get out of bed. And I literally wouldn't...if R wasn't here to help me out and help me around or just scoop me up and put me where I need to be.
There are some nights, when I literally sit at or lay next to the toilet all night long.
And *I* wanted more children?
What a fool am I.
I feel like the pregnancy back in October of last year...the one that beat all the odds...when I was supposed to be in menopause and unable to even get pregnant...
Yeah.
That was just a carrot...a carrot, dangled in front of my face.
One to give me hope...just to be squashed when it didn't come to fruitation so quickly, so to speak.
And to make matters even worse...here I now sit, grieving for a child that never will be.
You know...one that doesn't exist now and never will.
What a fool am I, indeed.
And to take it one step further...riddle me this... if you think you can.
And think long and hard about your answer...because right off the bat...I know by instinct what your first instinctive answer will be.
But give it some thought...think about if *you* were really in the same situation, what would your answer be???
They say real love is being with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with...in good times and bad...in sickness and health...for richer and for poorer and yada, yada, yada.
But what about if the bad times are because of you...your bad health...a bad health that costs gobs and gobs of money? Money that's theoretically taken away from your children? Money that they could use now or may need in the future?
Is real love staying with the person that's decided to stay with you in the bad times, your bad sickness...that causes the poorer instead of the richer times to be often if not always?
Even though you know that if the roles were reversed...you'd stay with them and take care of them, in the bad times and sick times...no matter the cost...etc, etc.
Or is real love, on your part, being the sick one, costing gobs and gobs of money...really being strong enough, to be able to walk away...and spare that person, and your children... the burden of it all?
Know what the difference between not wanting children/any more children is and not being able to have/have anymore children is?
Depression.
That's what.
Doctor's appointment went as per usual.
Tests came back okay.
Prescriptions turned out to be tricky, but got straightened out in the end.
Sorry I haven't posted since then. I know some of you were worried and I did get a couple of your emails asking as much back then...but I've been down.
I've only been near the computer a couple of times since then, to speak with Daisy.
Otherwise...that's it.
Haven't been in the mood to speak with people.
Not sleeping well, to say the least and lot's of crazy thoughts going 'round and 'round my head these days.
The kid thing has me bummed out. To say the least.
I know it's irrational, but I've been racking my brain, trying to figure out what to hell it was that I must have done in my past, that has made me deserve everything that's happened since being diagnosed on June 10, 2005.
I've considered myself to be a pretty good person.
I'm honest. Almost to a fault.
I try to always do the right thing.
I may think bad thoughts from time to time, but I keep 'Evil Peggy' at bay and never act upon the aforemention bad thoughts and usually just wish a bad case of butt acne on people instead of whatever bad thought I had in my head.
Thought I was a pretty darn good parent to boot.
My kid has had her up's and down's, as all kids do.
But, she's honest...sometimes to a fault. She's fair and compassionate. And I believe that she is and always will be a contributing member of society.
Yet here I sit, not allowed to have anymore.
And some young, or old twit, whichever, is sitting somewhere right now, having her third or fourth one...not because she wants the kid...nope...because she wants the welfare check.
Yep...that's one of my bad thoughts.
And then I think...who am I kidding? Besides myself, of course.
What was I thinking?
Wanting more children?!?!
I haven't been able to 100% take care of myself since being diagnosed.
I'm 39 years old now and I still can't take care of myself.
In addition to not being able to take care of myself...there are some days when I can't even get out of bed. And I literally wouldn't...if R wasn't here to help me out and help me around or just scoop me up and put me where I need to be.
There are some nights, when I literally sit at or lay next to the toilet all night long.
And *I* wanted more children?
What a fool am I.
I feel like the pregnancy back in October of last year...the one that beat all the odds...when I was supposed to be in menopause and unable to even get pregnant...
Yeah.
That was just a carrot...a carrot, dangled in front of my face.
One to give me hope...just to be squashed when it didn't come to fruitation so quickly, so to speak.
And to make matters even worse...here I now sit, grieving for a child that never will be.
You know...one that doesn't exist now and never will.
What a fool am I, indeed.
And to take it one step further...riddle me this... if you think you can.
And think long and hard about your answer...because right off the bat...I know by instinct what your first instinctive answer will be.
But give it some thought...think about if *you* were really in the same situation, what would your answer be???
They say real love is being with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with...in good times and bad...in sickness and health...for richer and for poorer and yada, yada, yada.
But what about if the bad times are because of you...your bad health...a bad health that costs gobs and gobs of money? Money that's theoretically taken away from your children? Money that they could use now or may need in the future?
Is real love staying with the person that's decided to stay with you in the bad times, your bad sickness...that causes the poorer instead of the richer times to be often if not always?
Even though you know that if the roles were reversed...you'd stay with them and take care of them, in the bad times and sick times...no matter the cost...etc, etc.
Or is real love, on your part, being the sick one, costing gobs and gobs of money...really being strong enough, to be able to walk away...and spare that person, and your children... the burden of it all?
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