"My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad."
~ T.S. Eliot

So...I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.
Blech.

I don't know what sucks more...
The anticipation of a doctor's appointment or the waiting for results afterwards.

I've probably written about this before on my blog.
If I have...and you're bored with it...here's your fries, please drive thru.

First and foremost, you try to stay positive.
And everyone tells you to be positive.
Stay positive.
Blah, blah, blah.

It's easier said than done.
And I don't mean to sound like a bitch...but it's really easy to say when you haven't been given a life-long pass as a club member.
I know...people are just trying to be supportive.
Which is why I always just nod and say"Thank you, I am."

Truth be told, you can be positive until you're pooping positivity right out your ass...but there's always that little back corner of your mind that's wondering, 'Hmmm, wonder if I'll be doing chemo in a week or two?'
And it sucks.
Ass.
And it's not like the wondering stops.
To coin one of my favorite quotes E.V.E.R.:
"Like 7-11. They're not always doin' business...but they're always open."
Yep.
That's what the wondering is like.
At least it is for me.
Thus far.

Ya can't call yourself a survivor until the 5 year mark.
TheRammerHammer had me laughing so much...that I missed my 3 year diagnosis anniversary back in June.
Something cancer re-lated came up a couple of days later which reminded me.

I mean it's not like you really, really are able to totally forget.
At least I'm not.
Because I'm still fighting the urge to not be the normal that I used to be.
The old me.

Which I know only proves that I'm crazy.
Because it's pointless to fight.
I'm reminded in a dozen different ways every, single day that I'll never be her again.
The pain.
The nasuea and puking.
The swelling-neuropathy hands and feet.
The short term memory.
The wrinkles I shouldn't have yet damnit!!!!
The nasty metal taste still in my mouth.

Everyday I wake up, I wonder when or if it will ever end.
Some of my card carrying friends have told me it takes time, some have said that it depends on the type of chemo one has and some say it hasn't ever ended for them.

I think I would be okay...not great...but okay if it was some kind of trade-off.
I'd be willing take all of the above if I knew I wouldn't have the stress and worry about impending doctor appointments and the anxeity of waiting for test results afterwards ever again.
Ya know? If I could just get a guar-an-tee that it would never, ever come back again.

And then I feel like a schmuck for complaing about my complaints out loud.
When others I know are actually going through it all over again already.

Which leads to the other back, dark corner of my mind that wonders, 'Is one ever truly able to let down their guard at some point?"

I fear that answer.

So for now..."My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad."
Sigh.

I hope everyone is well and nerve free.

P.S. ~ Ladies...if 'tough love' doesn't work with your man...try 'tuft love'.
Heh heh.