"and the silent wind still blows,
that only she can hear,
And so, she goes."
- Doug Edwards and Dave Richardson
Someday, in this life or another, I hope I can find a way to understand myself as well as I understand animals.
After 40 years with little progress, that happening is highly unrealistic in this life.
These are the times that I dislike being realistic by nature.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
"Men are respectable only as they respect."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
So, yesterday I began my fourth decade of life.
It was a good day.
I was able to Skype with R and we watched the Inauguration together.
Then my dear friend took Daisy and I out to dinner.
R sent me some awesome vegan treats, made by one of our very dear friends.
My dear friend gave me a beautiful sterling silver bangle with an Emerson quote inscribed on it, not the above quote, but another.
And Daisy gave me a wood wick candle...I love these candles, they crackle like a fire place...great to hear whilst falling asleep. Not falling asleep, as in sleeping all night and leaving the candle unattended of course...just a nap.
Anyhoo...the quote.
I'll preface the following by saying that I try not to judge people...and I think I'm pretty good at not doing so. I do not believe that I am better than others or above others. On the contrary, I know I'm crazy and that my warped way of thinking is crazy as compared to others. I do believe, however, in doing the 'right' thing and I don't believe that asking others to do the 'right' thing is ever too much to ask. Expecting others to do the 'right' thing...well, I get that that is foolish and only sets oneself up for disappointment. And letting people get away with doing the 'wrong' thing...well, I believe that that is setting oneself up for even more disappointment.
Something happened a couple of days ago, that I've felt very conflicted about ever since.
In one way, it seems petty and insignificant, because there are bigger fish to fry and in another way, it feels like a big deal to me...because respect is a very, very, very,very big deal to me.
Someone that R and I went to school with years ago, that we recently got back in touch with, *I feel*...crossed a line.
*I feel* that this person disrespected R, myself and 'us' as a couple...not to mention themselves in doing so, but I digress.
I loathe disrespectful people and classify them as stupid people because it doesn't take a college degree to know the difference between being respectful and being disrespectful.
R looks for the good in people and tries to draw it out...which, of course, he is very good at.
I believe that I also look for the good in people and try to draw it out.
R believes that people can do or make stupid mistakes/decisions and still be good people.
I agree...to some degree...because we are all individuals and what's right for someone else may not be right for me and visa versa...but I whole-heartedly do not agree when it comes to respect.
He believes in looking past the transgression, no matter what.
I believe in looking past some transgressions...however, disrepect is not one of them.
I spent many, many years essentially being a people pleaser, for lack of a better word.
People would do and say disrespectful things to/about me...and I kept my mouth shut. I went with the theory of 'forgive them for not knowing what they do'...blah, blah, blah.
After so many years, I came to realize that a majority of the time...people knew exactly what they were doing and did it anyway. I learned that some people are smart about being disrespectful and others are smart enough to play dumb about being disrespectful. I learned that people who disrespect others...are toxic people. I learned that by keeping my mouth shut...I basically gave them permission/free reign to do it, something similar or even worse to me...again. I learned that in regards to respect, we teach people how to treat us.
So I stopped keeping my mouth shut. I call people out...and I don't sugar-coat it.
It is not okay to treat people disrespectfully in any way, shape or form.
Millions of people know this. Millions of people respect themselves enough to make respecting others, a high priority on their list of life. Again, because it's not hard and one doesn't have to be rocket-scientist to do so.
I do not like when people disrespect me and I do not like when people disrespect the people that I care about. I do not like it when people disrespect me and/or the people I care about and it causes issues between me and the people that I care about. And I do not believe that not having any self-respect gives one a free-get-out-of-jail card for disrespecting others.
So, where it stands now is that R is apparently, a better person than I.
He believes in forgiving and forgetting...period.
And I wish I could be more like him.
I can forgive and forget...but I have already had enough toxic people in my life to fill two lifetimes over...hence, I forgive, forget and then you don't exist in my world anymore... because I will never, ever give you the chance to disrespect me again.
Of course, our very different views, makes it tricky for me to have someone not exist in my world anymore.
Which in turn, makes it very difficult for me to forget.
Disrespect leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. So when I see this person, see a picture of this person, hear their name or just think of the contact that R will still have with them...well, it just makes me cringe, gives me that eeeellllluuuuccchhhh feeling. It or they, as the case may be...irk me. It disgusts me, to know that they have ample opportunity...and even the potential in and of itself, to cause more discourse in our relationship...and that the odds are...that they will gladly take that opportunity again...only this time, behind my back more than likely.
R didn't feel disrespected to begin with by what this person did.
Me...it was a crappy feeling to have felt and still feel and I'd just as soon, not feel it again and give this person the chance and obvious pleasure of making me feel this way again.
I get that he didn't feel disrespected. I don't understand it, but I get it. As I said, I know we are all indiviuals, him and I included, and that we think and feel different things for different reasons.
Him not feeling disrespected by what this person did though...makes me feel crazy for feeling disrespected by this person and all the feelings that come with it.
Let me be clear...this has nothing to do with trust or my trusting or not trusting R.
I totally and completely trust R. I know that he loves me and would never betray my trust. I know that, with every ounce of my being.
The issue I have is with giving disrespectful people the potential and opportunity to cause R and I more grief in our relationship.
I am very good at screwing up my own relationships and do not require and/or want/need any outside help whatsoever.
Go ahead, remember the name of this blog is My Brand Of Crazy and shake your head, I'll wait.
So here I am. Confused and conflicted. Do I feel the way I feel because of my past experiences or do I feel the way I feel because this is just who I am as a person? And either way, does it matter? Either way, does that make me so wrong?
Don't get me wrong, I am not one that tends to let other people rent space in my head, nor do I carry around hate or whatever in my heart.
Like I said, typically, people don't exist in my world anymore. I don't waste any more precious time or my breath to, for, on or about them. I try to learn from the lesson and move on.
Is that wrong? Am I wrong? Is that the easy way out?
Those aren't rhetorical questions...although I'm not really asking either. I mean I am asking...but not you, I'm asking myself...and I know that they are questions, that given the circumstances, I can only answer for myself.
I know what my gut tells me to do and I know that when I don't follow my gut...I usually get exactly what I expected, but tried to deny...hence exactly what I deserve, with nobody to blame but myself at that point.
So my head, heart and gut are in a conflicted state of being...thus my brand of crazy gets crazier with each passing day.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
So, yesterday I began my fourth decade of life.
It was a good day.
I was able to Skype with R and we watched the Inauguration together.
Then my dear friend took Daisy and I out to dinner.
R sent me some awesome vegan treats, made by one of our very dear friends.
My dear friend gave me a beautiful sterling silver bangle with an Emerson quote inscribed on it, not the above quote, but another.
And Daisy gave me a wood wick candle...I love these candles, they crackle like a fire place...great to hear whilst falling asleep. Not falling asleep, as in sleeping all night and leaving the candle unattended of course...just a nap.
Anyhoo...the quote.
I'll preface the following by saying that I try not to judge people...and I think I'm pretty good at not doing so. I do not believe that I am better than others or above others. On the contrary, I know I'm crazy and that my warped way of thinking is crazy as compared to others. I do believe, however, in doing the 'right' thing and I don't believe that asking others to do the 'right' thing is ever too much to ask. Expecting others to do the 'right' thing...well, I get that that is foolish and only sets oneself up for disappointment. And letting people get away with doing the 'wrong' thing...well, I believe that that is setting oneself up for even more disappointment.
Something happened a couple of days ago, that I've felt very conflicted about ever since.
In one way, it seems petty and insignificant, because there are bigger fish to fry and in another way, it feels like a big deal to me...because respect is a very, very, very,very big deal to me.
Someone that R and I went to school with years ago, that we recently got back in touch with, *I feel*...crossed a line.
*I feel* that this person disrespected R, myself and 'us' as a couple...not to mention themselves in doing so, but I digress.
I loathe disrespectful people and classify them as stupid people because it doesn't take a college degree to know the difference between being respectful and being disrespectful.
R looks for the good in people and tries to draw it out...which, of course, he is very good at.
I believe that I also look for the good in people and try to draw it out.
R believes that people can do or make stupid mistakes/decisions and still be good people.
I agree...to some degree...because we are all individuals and what's right for someone else may not be right for me and visa versa...but I whole-heartedly do not agree when it comes to respect.
He believes in looking past the transgression, no matter what.
I believe in looking past some transgressions...however, disrepect is not one of them.
I spent many, many years essentially being a people pleaser, for lack of a better word.
People would do and say disrespectful things to/about me...and I kept my mouth shut. I went with the theory of 'forgive them for not knowing what they do'...blah, blah, blah.
After so many years, I came to realize that a majority of the time...people knew exactly what they were doing and did it anyway. I learned that some people are smart about being disrespectful and others are smart enough to play dumb about being disrespectful. I learned that people who disrespect others...are toxic people. I learned that by keeping my mouth shut...I basically gave them permission/free reign to do it, something similar or even worse to me...again. I learned that in regards to respect, we teach people how to treat us.
So I stopped keeping my mouth shut. I call people out...and I don't sugar-coat it.
It is not okay to treat people disrespectfully in any way, shape or form.
Millions of people know this. Millions of people respect themselves enough to make respecting others, a high priority on their list of life. Again, because it's not hard and one doesn't have to be rocket-scientist to do so.
I do not like when people disrespect me and I do not like when people disrespect the people that I care about. I do not like it when people disrespect me and/or the people I care about and it causes issues between me and the people that I care about. And I do not believe that not having any self-respect gives one a free-get-out-of-jail card for disrespecting others.
So, where it stands now is that R is apparently, a better person than I.
He believes in forgiving and forgetting...period.
And I wish I could be more like him.
I can forgive and forget...but I have already had enough toxic people in my life to fill two lifetimes over...hence, I forgive, forget and then you don't exist in my world anymore... because I will never, ever give you the chance to disrespect me again.
Of course, our very different views, makes it tricky for me to have someone not exist in my world anymore.
Which in turn, makes it very difficult for me to forget.
Disrespect leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. So when I see this person, see a picture of this person, hear their name or just think of the contact that R will still have with them...well, it just makes me cringe, gives me that eeeellllluuuuccchhhh feeling. It or they, as the case may be...irk me. It disgusts me, to know that they have ample opportunity...and even the potential in and of itself, to cause more discourse in our relationship...and that the odds are...that they will gladly take that opportunity again...only this time, behind my back more than likely.
R didn't feel disrespected to begin with by what this person did.
Me...it was a crappy feeling to have felt and still feel and I'd just as soon, not feel it again and give this person the chance and obvious pleasure of making me feel this way again.
I get that he didn't feel disrespected. I don't understand it, but I get it. As I said, I know we are all indiviuals, him and I included, and that we think and feel different things for different reasons.
Him not feeling disrespected by what this person did though...makes me feel crazy for feeling disrespected by this person and all the feelings that come with it.
Let me be clear...this has nothing to do with trust or my trusting or not trusting R.
I totally and completely trust R. I know that he loves me and would never betray my trust. I know that, with every ounce of my being.
The issue I have is with giving disrespectful people the potential and opportunity to cause R and I more grief in our relationship.
I am very good at screwing up my own relationships and do not require and/or want/need any outside help whatsoever.
Go ahead, remember the name of this blog is My Brand Of Crazy and shake your head, I'll wait.
So here I am. Confused and conflicted. Do I feel the way I feel because of my past experiences or do I feel the way I feel because this is just who I am as a person? And either way, does it matter? Either way, does that make me so wrong?
Don't get me wrong, I am not one that tends to let other people rent space in my head, nor do I carry around hate or whatever in my heart.
Like I said, typically, people don't exist in my world anymore. I don't waste any more precious time or my breath to, for, on or about them. I try to learn from the lesson and move on.
Is that wrong? Am I wrong? Is that the easy way out?
Those aren't rhetorical questions...although I'm not really asking either. I mean I am asking...but not you, I'm asking myself...and I know that they are questions, that given the circumstances, I can only answer for myself.
I know what my gut tells me to do and I know that when I don't follow my gut...I usually get exactly what I expected, but tried to deny...hence exactly what I deserve, with nobody to blame but myself at that point.
So my head, heart and gut are in a conflicted state of being...thus my brand of crazy gets crazier with each passing day.
Monday, January 19, 2009
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."
- Gilda Radner
I don't know if I've already posted this quote on either blog...but man...I hope she is right.
My last quote and post was in reference to a couple of different things. Some of which I'm willing and not willing to discuss right now.
At any rate, yes, due to health and financial reasons, my stay in the states is being extended.
As you all can probably guess, I'm not exactly happy about this.
A part of me can't help but wonder if the reason that some of these things that are happening, are happening because for the sake of R and the boys, I shouldn't be there with them.
I can't say that I 100% support the theory that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that some things happen for a reason.
So, I get that sometimes, where ever we physically are in life, that *that* is where we are supposed to be at that time.
Having said that, I get that I am where I am right now for several reasons. I'm trying to help a dear friend with her rocky marriage right now, and it's better for her to be able to physcially get out of her house and hang with me from time to time. There are also relationship issues with the couple that I'm staying with...so I'm trying to help them as well, even though my past relationship history proves that I probably have no business trying to help anyone at all. The little puppy with pneumonia here, would have gone to The Bridge weeks ago, if I weren't here to be able to watch him like a hawk 24/7...among other reasons.
And although, I'm the first to admit that I'm the most contradictive person I know and that I'm okay with myself being the most contradictive I know...I really dislike being as contradictive about life as I am right now.
Forgive me if that made no sense whatsoever, my meds have officially kicked in. I hate, hate, hate all of these damn meds. I hate typing the words 'everything' and 'sometimes' and not instinctively knowing if I'm using them separately or together in the right damn context.
Anyhoo...I don't understand why situations and circumstances and life in general, always refuse to let me be, *where* *I'm* happiest...and the few times that it does/has...it's so effing shortlived. Why do things always have to be so effing complicated and difficult. Why don't things ever seem to effing work out. I know, that sounds so incredibly childish and selfish. I know that life isn't always fair but not always being fair and never effing being fair are two different things.
For the life of me, I can't figure out what to hell it is that I must have done so poorly or wrong in the past. At the very least, I'd like to apologize to whomever or for whatever it was that I did...not to mention, I'd rather not repeat whatever to hell it was, if it results in life now.
Ready for the next complicated contradictive me? (I say that as if you didn't get enough of it in what I already wrote.
In the same breath, I wholeheartedly know that we don't get what we deserve, we just get what we get.
Either way...I feel like the past 10 years have flown by and yet, here I still sit in Missouri (a.k.a. square one), yelling out into a pasture. Questioning wtf I'm doing here. In Missouri. On this planet. In this damn life.
Yep. I get it. I'm being unappreciative again about the blessings I have in my life. The people I care about are healthy and mostly happy. I still have a great daughter. R still wants to be and is an integral part of my life, although I don't know if that's always in his best interest. I hate that because the way my life always goes, that it sometimes makes R feel like he's failing me. He couldn't "fail me" if he tried. He's not that kind of man. He doesn't have that kind of heart. I hate that I'm not as strong as people think I am. I hate that I'm not always as strong as I want to be. I hate that when I'm not...it results in bringing him sorrow.
It makes me question if and whether or not I really know what love is and is all about.
If I love him, I wouldn't bring him any sorrow. People that say they love someone...don't do that to them. I know that.
Whatever. Clearly, I rambling and still probably making no sense.
So where do I go from here...I guess I just keep breathing, even when I don't want too.
On the good days, I'll try to make the best of things and keep trying this positive crap.
And on the bad days, I'll try to sleep through the fact that such is my life.
- Gilda Radner
I don't know if I've already posted this quote on either blog...but man...I hope she is right.
My last quote and post was in reference to a couple of different things. Some of which I'm willing and not willing to discuss right now.
At any rate, yes, due to health and financial reasons, my stay in the states is being extended.
As you all can probably guess, I'm not exactly happy about this.
A part of me can't help but wonder if the reason that some of these things that are happening, are happening because for the sake of R and the boys, I shouldn't be there with them.
I can't say that I 100% support the theory that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that some things happen for a reason.
So, I get that sometimes, where ever we physically are in life, that *that* is where we are supposed to be at that time.
Having said that, I get that I am where I am right now for several reasons. I'm trying to help a dear friend with her rocky marriage right now, and it's better for her to be able to physcially get out of her house and hang with me from time to time. There are also relationship issues with the couple that I'm staying with...so I'm trying to help them as well, even though my past relationship history proves that I probably have no business trying to help anyone at all. The little puppy with pneumonia here, would have gone to The Bridge weeks ago, if I weren't here to be able to watch him like a hawk 24/7...among other reasons.
And although, I'm the first to admit that I'm the most contradictive person I know and that I'm okay with myself being the most contradictive I know...I really dislike being as contradictive about life as I am right now.
Forgive me if that made no sense whatsoever, my meds have officially kicked in. I hate, hate, hate all of these damn meds. I hate typing the words 'everything' and 'sometimes' and not instinctively knowing if I'm using them separately or together in the right damn context.
Anyhoo...I don't understand why situations and circumstances and life in general, always refuse to let me be, *where* *I'm* happiest...and the few times that it does/has...it's so effing shortlived. Why do things always have to be so effing complicated and difficult. Why don't things ever seem to effing work out. I know, that sounds so incredibly childish and selfish. I know that life isn't always fair but not always being fair and never effing being fair are two different things.
For the life of me, I can't figure out what to hell it is that I must have done so poorly or wrong in the past. At the very least, I'd like to apologize to whomever or for whatever it was that I did...not to mention, I'd rather not repeat whatever to hell it was, if it results in life now.
Ready for the next complicated contradictive me? (I say that as if you didn't get enough of it in what I already wrote.
In the same breath, I wholeheartedly know that we don't get what we deserve, we just get what we get.
Either way...I feel like the past 10 years have flown by and yet, here I still sit in Missouri (a.k.a. square one), yelling out into a pasture. Questioning wtf I'm doing here. In Missouri. On this planet. In this damn life.
Yep. I get it. I'm being unappreciative again about the blessings I have in my life. The people I care about are healthy and mostly happy. I still have a great daughter. R still wants to be and is an integral part of my life, although I don't know if that's always in his best interest. I hate that because the way my life always goes, that it sometimes makes R feel like he's failing me. He couldn't "fail me" if he tried. He's not that kind of man. He doesn't have that kind of heart. I hate that I'm not as strong as people think I am. I hate that I'm not always as strong as I want to be. I hate that when I'm not...it results in bringing him sorrow.
It makes me question if and whether or not I really know what love is and is all about.
If I love him, I wouldn't bring him any sorrow. People that say they love someone...don't do that to them. I know that.
Whatever. Clearly, I rambling and still probably making no sense.
So where do I go from here...I guess I just keep breathing, even when I don't want too.
On the good days, I'll try to make the best of things and keep trying this positive crap.
And on the bad days, I'll try to sleep through the fact that such is my life.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”
-John Pierpont Morgan
So, it's a New Year and once again, I'm going to try this positive schmositive stuff.
As humans, I guess, it's just what we do.
Good days and bad days. Sometimes the days stretch into months.
And it's hard to see and remember that it's all about ebbing and flowing when you're deep into the bad days.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm over my little, pathetic pity party.
Yes, I'm aware of how pathetic I sounded and although I'm going to open the comments back up, I'd prefer no comments about the December posts if that's okay with you? Kthankyouverymuch.
I got my Christmas wish and then some.
No celebrating whatsoever.
I ended up in the hospital on Christmas Eve.
No immune system plus the nastiest flu bug I have ever had made for a holiday spent with doctors and nurses due to severe dehydration.
You ready for your first 2009 MyBrandOfCrazy funny moment?
I would have given both my arms for a toilet like this that night:
But no, one toilet was it.
The funny part...well...I passed out and fell off the toilet. The Porcelain Goddess and I have been best friends for three years now, since chemo and all my meds mess with my stomach on a daily basis....but I can't say that that has ever happened before. Thank goodness I was able to wipe before hand! I woke up on the floor, wondering why my ass was so cold then kinda realized what had happened and that my jammie pants were still down around my ankles.
Then the fun really started when I began hallucinating.
This is when my generous hosts raced me to the hospital.
A couple days of IV fluids later...they sent me back home.
Where I slept for the next two days.
I was somewhat better by New Year's Eve but not well enough to celebrate. I set my phone alarm to wake up at midnight and sent out the obligatory "Happy New Year" texts. Then promptly fell back asleep. Watched the Rose Bowl Parade...loving that they don't air it at 6 or 7am anymore! And then proceeded to not watch one single, solitary football game. It was a good way to start the year.
Nothing too eventful since then.
May or may not be returning to Dubai this month, barring no major problems.
I would be beyond thrilled, of course, but I'm taking it one day at a time and remaining guarded.
We hate that we're both sane, responsible adults.
I wish that we could just throw the money at a plane ticket and screw whoever else wants money from us...but that's just not who we are. Even though it sucks sometimes.
My birthday is coming up. Inauguration Day. Yep, every 4 years I get birthday cards from my brothers. It will be the 15 anniversary of my 25th birthday. Doesn't that sound better than 40?? I think so.
I'm glad Obama won the Presidency. He may not be a Republican, but I'm betting if he's willing to protect us from our own government, he'll probably do well to protect us from other governments too. Do I think he's going to be able to do everything he promised while running? Nah, I'm no fool, but I'm guessing he will be one of the first Presidents in a long time to get pretty damn close. Sometimes I don't think he realizes how much his hands will be tied regarding certain matters and other times I think that the American people don't realize how much his hands will be tied regarding certain matters. Either way, it's going to be an interesting 2009 politically speaking and if I could be anyone other than myself...I would not want to be Obama.
Anyhoo...another new beginning.
I'm reading my 365 days of Taoism book again.
And I'm meditating again as well.
I grew away from both and attribute my poor attitude to that.
Going back and reading my archives from the BBM blog, I realized I'm not the same person I was then...and I like that person much better than the person I became in December...no...make that August.
If I ever see that girl again...it will be too soon.
And somebody slap me. Please.
Hope all is well with everyone.
**Edit** - Apparently, I lied. When I can figure out how to re-open the comments, I will. ;)
-John Pierpont Morgan
So, it's a New Year and once again, I'm going to try this positive schmositive stuff.
As humans, I guess, it's just what we do.
Good days and bad days. Sometimes the days stretch into months.
And it's hard to see and remember that it's all about ebbing and flowing when you're deep into the bad days.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm over my little, pathetic pity party.
Yes, I'm aware of how pathetic I sounded and although I'm going to open the comments back up, I'd prefer no comments about the December posts if that's okay with you? Kthankyouverymuch.
I got my Christmas wish and then some.
No celebrating whatsoever.
I ended up in the hospital on Christmas Eve.
No immune system plus the nastiest flu bug I have ever had made for a holiday spent with doctors and nurses due to severe dehydration.
You ready for your first 2009 MyBrandOfCrazy funny moment?
I would have given both my arms for a toilet like this that night:
But no, one toilet was it.
The funny part...well...I passed out and fell off the toilet. The Porcelain Goddess and I have been best friends for three years now, since chemo and all my meds mess with my stomach on a daily basis....but I can't say that that has ever happened before. Thank goodness I was able to wipe before hand! I woke up on the floor, wondering why my ass was so cold then kinda realized what had happened and that my jammie pants were still down around my ankles.
Then the fun really started when I began hallucinating.
This is when my generous hosts raced me to the hospital.
A couple days of IV fluids later...they sent me back home.
Where I slept for the next two days.
I was somewhat better by New Year's Eve but not well enough to celebrate. I set my phone alarm to wake up at midnight and sent out the obligatory "Happy New Year" texts. Then promptly fell back asleep. Watched the Rose Bowl Parade...loving that they don't air it at 6 or 7am anymore! And then proceeded to not watch one single, solitary football game. It was a good way to start the year.
Nothing too eventful since then.
May or may not be returning to Dubai this month, barring no major problems.
I would be beyond thrilled, of course, but I'm taking it one day at a time and remaining guarded.
We hate that we're both sane, responsible adults.
I wish that we could just throw the money at a plane ticket and screw whoever else wants money from us...but that's just not who we are. Even though it sucks sometimes.
My birthday is coming up. Inauguration Day. Yep, every 4 years I get birthday cards from my brothers. It will be the 15 anniversary of my 25th birthday. Doesn't that sound better than 40?? I think so.
I'm glad Obama won the Presidency. He may not be a Republican, but I'm betting if he's willing to protect us from our own government, he'll probably do well to protect us from other governments too. Do I think he's going to be able to do everything he promised while running? Nah, I'm no fool, but I'm guessing he will be one of the first Presidents in a long time to get pretty damn close. Sometimes I don't think he realizes how much his hands will be tied regarding certain matters and other times I think that the American people don't realize how much his hands will be tied regarding certain matters. Either way, it's going to be an interesting 2009 politically speaking and if I could be anyone other than myself...I would not want to be Obama.
Anyhoo...another new beginning.
I'm reading my 365 days of Taoism book again.
And I'm meditating again as well.
I grew away from both and attribute my poor attitude to that.
Going back and reading my archives from the BBM blog, I realized I'm not the same person I was then...and I like that person much better than the person I became in December...no...make that August.
If I ever see that girl again...it will be too soon.
And somebody slap me. Please.
Hope all is well with everyone.
**Edit** - Apparently, I lied. When I can figure out how to re-open the comments, I will. ;)
Friday, December 12, 2008
"There is never enough time to do or say all the things that we would wish. The thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have. Remember Scrooge, time is short, and suddenly, you're not here any more. "
- The Ghost Of Christmas Present
So, in an effort to prove I'm not 100% a Scrooge this year, as some emails accused...I decided to do something a little different this year.
I'm currently without a lot at this point in time. I essentially have clothes and pictures. Some of my stuff is in storage and all my really important belongings, again, are three or four oceans away and I will not be able to spend the damn holidays with the people I want to spend them with.
I sold the car months ago and the house is officially gone. Note, that I didn't say I sold that too.
Gotta love our economy and the asshats that created it.
Anyhoo...my point is...that I basically have nothing to give anyone this year. I also have little to no funds to assist in my giving anyone anything. I wasn't even going to do Christmas cards this year. And I'm still not, but I am going to blow $8 bucks on one book of stamps.
Don't get me wrong, I got some very nice emails about my previous post as well and quite frankly, the ones that weren't so nice...well...as per my usual bitch attitude...I don't give a rats ass about those ones or what the people that wrote them think about me. The nice ones got me to thinking a little bit though.
So, this year...since I have nothing tangible to give, in the spirit of giving (which is what I like best about the holiday season and why I'm in such a bitchy mood about it)...I'm going to give the only thing I have left to give...good memories.
I'm going to type out little, letters of my favorite individual memories of a select few, tailor made to each person and send them off. I hope, at the very least, that it makes a couple of people smile and laugh.
Not that this is gonna be a great gift to send off because thanks to all the meds, my memory really sucks these days...and the typing...well, as I've said before, the days of a 120+ wpm's are long gone. Hence, I began the chicken pecking yesterday in the hopes that I can actually get them out in a timely manner. And I readily admit, it was nice remembering said events with different people and did indeed bring a smile to my face while typing them.
All that being said, don't be fooled...I'm still pissed, hurt and tired. With the exception of the letters, I still will not bake, celebrate or be merry in any way, shape or form. And even though I hope that my letters bring joy to others...the tired bitch in me, still doesn't want to hear about it.
I may have taken a little "detour" but I'm still going to hell in a handbasket and I still can't get there fast enough.
- The Ghost Of Christmas Present
So, in an effort to prove I'm not 100% a Scrooge this year, as some emails accused...I decided to do something a little different this year.
I'm currently without a lot at this point in time. I essentially have clothes and pictures. Some of my stuff is in storage and all my really important belongings, again, are three or four oceans away and I will not be able to spend the damn holidays with the people I want to spend them with.
I sold the car months ago and the house is officially gone. Note, that I didn't say I sold that too.
Gotta love our economy and the asshats that created it.
Anyhoo...my point is...that I basically have nothing to give anyone this year. I also have little to no funds to assist in my giving anyone anything. I wasn't even going to do Christmas cards this year. And I'm still not, but I am going to blow $8 bucks on one book of stamps.
Don't get me wrong, I got some very nice emails about my previous post as well and quite frankly, the ones that weren't so nice...well...as per my usual bitch attitude...I don't give a rats ass about those ones or what the people that wrote them think about me. The nice ones got me to thinking a little bit though.
So, this year...since I have nothing tangible to give, in the spirit of giving (which is what I like best about the holiday season and why I'm in such a bitchy mood about it)...I'm going to give the only thing I have left to give...good memories.
I'm going to type out little, letters of my favorite individual memories of a select few, tailor made to each person and send them off. I hope, at the very least, that it makes a couple of people smile and laugh.
Not that this is gonna be a great gift to send off because thanks to all the meds, my memory really sucks these days...and the typing...well, as I've said before, the days of a 120+ wpm's are long gone. Hence, I began the chicken pecking yesterday in the hopes that I can actually get them out in a timely manner. And I readily admit, it was nice remembering said events with different people and did indeed bring a smile to my face while typing them.
All that being said, don't be fooled...I'm still pissed, hurt and tired. With the exception of the letters, I still will not bake, celebrate or be merry in any way, shape or form. And even though I hope that my letters bring joy to others...the tired bitch in me, still doesn't want to hear about it.
I may have taken a little "detour" but I'm still going to hell in a handbasket and I still can't get there fast enough.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
"It's beginning to look a lot like Shitmas."
As you may have noticed, I haven't posted the way I used to post. This would be because I just don't feel the same way I used to feel. Well, perhaps that's not the whole truth. I've felt the way I feel now... for awhile now. I'm just really good at hiding it from other people. Keep people busy with witty words and funny stories or serious words about serious causes and they don't think that there's anything wrong, let alone ask...but truth be told, I'm tired. I'm exhausted.
My xmas tree is in a friend's garage, most of my ornaments went to good will last April, the important ornaments I kept are three or four oceans away, I won't be able to be with my daughter, nor will I be able to spend the holidays with R and the boys.
Hence, there will be no shopping. No decorating. No baking. No celebrating Winter Solstice. Nothing. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. And while the frustrated, tired bitch in me sincerely hopes that everyone else is already having a wonderful holiday season...I just don't want to see anyone else shopping, decorating, baking or celebrating either. The commercials are enough to make me want to slit my wrists every other three minutes as it is.
The last scans I had were almost a year ago...and I don't care. Even if I had money and/or health insurance right now...I wouldn't go to the doctor. In fact, I will go as far to say that even if someone paid the bill and me...I still wouldn't go. I don't want to know anything, anymore. I.Don't.Care.Anymore. I wish, like hell, that I would have found the lump and not done a thing about it. Yep. I really just wrote that. And if ya think that's bad...stop reading and hit the X in the top right corner, 'cause I'm apparently on my way to hell in a handbasket.
Daisy is grown. She's a responsible, contributing member of society. She's fun and fair minded.My job is done.
I've got two other little boys, granted, that aren't mine, but it sure sucks to be missing out on life with them, when we only just barely got started.
And I've got a wonderful, incredible man that I love and that loves me.
I have no doubt whatsoever, about our love for one another.What I doubt, is that life will ever work out and allow us to actually be together again.
I'm sad. I'm beyond pissed. I'm hurt. I'm bitter. And did I mention that I'm tired? And all I want right now, the only thing I really want, is to go to sleep and not wake up. Ever. I do not want to be here anymore. I do not want to do this anymore. I do not want to live this way anymore...and more importantly, I don't want the people I love to have to keep living the way they're living because of me anymore. It breaks my heart, that it breaks their heart, when they feel like they can't help me in some way...when they've already done so very, very much.
And each morning I wake up. Disappointed. Again. I don't feel like I'm living. I feel like all I'm doing is existing...waking up every day and breathing.
Meanwhile...A happily married, mother of three lost her battle with cancer yesterday. Fifteen days before xmas...a happily married, mother of three lost her battle with cancer yesterday. WTF? Why did this woman have to lose her battle? It's bullshit.
Now before anyone gets their panties (sorry Beej) in a twist...I'm okay. I know typing what I typed, doesn't sound like I'm okay, but I am. I'm an adult. A level-headed, responsible, sane adult. I have no intention of hurting myself or taking my life in any form or fashion. I would never...ever...do that to my daughter or the other people that care about me. Got it? I hope so.
I'm okay. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything else. In fact, I'm going to close the comments after I'm done with this because I'm not here looking for comments. And I sure as hell don't want to hear anything about someone else's g-ds plan for me. I'm thrilled that you have your g-d and that you believe everything you believe and that all of that makes you feel better, safer, whatever...and you're my family and I love you...but I do not want to hear anything that remotely has to do with your g-d and I, in relations to one another. I typed what I typed to get it all out of my head. Nothing more. Nothing less.
And don't sit there and think that I don't know I'm a heel. The three kids are healthy. R is healthy. The rest of my family and friends are all healthy.
I know that I'm lucky. I know that I should be way more thankful than I obviously am. I know that there are millions of people that are far, far worse off than I am right now.
I know. I suck.
Like I said... I'm going to hell in a handbasket. I just can't seem to get there fast enough.
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