"How disappointment tracks the steps of hope."
- Letitia Landon

And scars solidify self-worth.
Yep, being positive didn't last very long.
I believe I was born in the wrong time, the wrong era and possibly the wrong world.
Such is life.

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”
-John Pierpont Morgan

So, it's a New Year and once again, I'm going to try this positive schmositive stuff.
As humans, I guess, it's just what we do.
Good days and bad days. Sometimes the days stretch into months.
And it's hard to see and remember that it's all about ebbing and flowing when you're deep into the bad days.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm over my little, pathetic pity party.
Yes, I'm aware of how pathetic I sounded and although I'm going to open the comments back up, I'd prefer no comments about the December posts if that's okay with you? Kthankyouverymuch.

I got my Christmas wish and then some.
No celebrating whatsoever.

I ended up in the hospital on Christmas Eve.
No immune system plus the nastiest flu bug I have ever had made for a holiday spent with doctors and nurses due to severe dehydration.

You ready for your first 2009 MyBrandOfCrazy funny moment?

I would have given both my arms for a toilet like this that night:
































But no, one toilet was it.
The funny part...well...I passed out and fell off the toilet. The Porcelain Goddess and I have been best friends for three years now, since chemo and all my meds mess with my stomach on a daily basis....but I can't say that that has ever happened before. Thank goodness I was able to wipe before hand! I woke up on the floor, wondering why my ass was so cold then kinda realized what had happened and that my jammie pants were still down around my ankles.
Then the fun really started when I began hallucinating.
This is when my generous hosts raced me to the hospital.

A couple days of IV fluids later...they sent me back home.
Where I slept for the next two days.

I was somewhat better by New Year's Eve but not well enough to celebrate. I set my phone alarm to wake up at midnight and sent out the obligatory "Happy New Year" texts. Then promptly fell back asleep. Watched the Rose Bowl Parade...loving that they don't air it at 6 or 7am anymore! And then proceeded to not watch one single, solitary football game. It was a good way to start the year.

Nothing too eventful since then.
May or may not be returning to Dubai this month, barring no major problems.
I would be beyond thrilled, of course, but I'm taking it one day at a time and remaining guarded.
We hate that we're both sane, responsible adults.
I wish that we could just throw the money at a plane ticket and screw whoever else wants money from us...but that's just not who we are. Even though it sucks sometimes.

My birthday is coming up. Inauguration Day. Yep, every 4 years I get birthday cards from my brothers. It will be the 15 anniversary of my 25th birthday. Doesn't that sound better than 40?? I think so.

I'm glad Obama won the Presidency. He may not be a Republican, but I'm betting if he's willing to protect us from our own government, he'll probably do well to protect us from other governments too. Do I think he's going to be able to do everything he promised while running? Nah, I'm no fool, but I'm guessing he will be one of the first Presidents in a long time to get pretty damn close. Sometimes I don't think he realizes how much his hands will be tied regarding certain matters and other times I think that the American people don't realize how much his hands will be tied regarding certain matters. Either way, it's going to be an interesting 2009 politically speaking and if I could be anyone other than myself...I would not want to be Obama.

Anyhoo...another new beginning.
I'm reading my 365 days of Taoism book again.
And I'm meditating again as well.
I grew away from both and attribute my poor attitude to that.
Going back and reading my archives from the BBM blog, I realized I'm not the same person I was then...and I like that person much better than the person I became in December...no...make that August.
If I ever see that girl again...it will be too soon.
And somebody slap me. Please.

Hope all is well with everyone.

**Edit** - Apparently, I lied. When I can figure out how to re-open the comments, I will. ;)

"There is never enough time to do or say all the things that we would wish. The thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have. Remember Scrooge, time is short, and suddenly, you're not here any more. "
- The Ghost Of Christmas Present

So, in an effort to prove I'm not 100% a Scrooge this year, as some emails accused...I decided to do something a little different this year.

I'm currently without a lot at this point in time. I essentially have clothes and pictures. Some of my stuff is in storage and all my really important belongings, again, are three or four oceans away and I will not be able to spend the damn holidays with the people I want to spend them with.
I sold the car months ago and the house is officially gone. Note, that I didn't say I sold that too.
Gotta love our economy and the asshats that created it.

Anyhoo...my point is...that I basically have nothing to give anyone this year. I also have little to no funds to assist in my giving anyone anything. I wasn't even going to do Christmas cards this year. And I'm still not, but I am going to blow $8 bucks on one book of stamps.

Don't get me wrong, I got some very nice emails about my previous post as well and quite frankly, the ones that weren't so nice...well...as per my usual bitch attitude...I don't give a rats ass about those ones or what the people that wrote them think about me. The nice ones got me to thinking a little bit though.

So, this year...since I have nothing tangible to give, in the spirit of giving (which is what I like best about the holiday season and why I'm in such a bitchy mood about it)...I'm going to give the only thing I have left to give...good memories.

I'm going to type out little, letters of my favorite individual memories of a select few, tailor made to each person and send them off. I hope, at the very least, that it makes a couple of people smile and laugh.

Not that this is gonna be a great gift to send off because thanks to all the meds, my memory really sucks these days...and the typing...well, as I've said before, the days of a 120+ wpm's are long gone. Hence, I began the chicken pecking yesterday in the hopes that I can actually get them out in a timely manner. And I readily admit, it was nice remembering said events with different people and did indeed bring a smile to my face while typing them.

All that being said, don't be fooled...I'm still pissed, hurt and tired. With the exception of the letters, I still will not bake, celebrate or be merry in any way, shape or form. And even though I hope that my letters bring joy to others...the tired bitch in me, still doesn't want to hear about it.

I may have taken a little "detour" but I'm still going to hell in a handbasket and I still can't get there fast enough.

"It's beginning to look a lot like Shitmas."

As you may have noticed, I haven't posted the way I used to post. This would be because I just don't feel the same way I used to feel. Well, perhaps that's not the whole truth. I've felt the way I feel now... for awhile now. I'm just really good at hiding it from other people. Keep people busy with witty words and funny stories or serious words about serious causes and they don't think that there's anything wrong, let alone ask...but truth be told, I'm tired. I'm exhausted.

My xmas tree is in a friend's garage, most of my ornaments went to good will last April, the important ornaments I kept are three or four oceans away, I won't be able to be with my daughter, nor will I be able to spend the holidays with R and the boys.

Hence, there will be no shopping. No decorating. No baking. No celebrating Winter Solstice. Nothing. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. And while the frustrated, tired bitch in me sincerely hopes that everyone else is already having a wonderful holiday season...I just don't want to see anyone else shopping, decorating, baking or celebrating either. The commercials are enough to make me want to slit my wrists every other three minutes as it is.

The last scans I had were almost a year ago...and I don't care. Even if I had money and/or health insurance right now...I wouldn't go to the doctor. In fact, I will go as far to say that even if someone paid the bill and me...I still wouldn't go. I don't want to know anything, anymore. I.Don't.Care.Anymore. I wish, like hell, that I would have found the lump and not done a thing about it. Yep. I really just wrote that. And if ya think that's bad...stop reading and hit the X in the top right corner, 'cause I'm apparently on my way to hell in a handbasket.

Daisy is grown. She's a responsible, contributing member of society. She's fun and fair minded.My job is done.

I've got two other little boys, granted, that aren't mine, but it sure sucks to be missing out on life with them, when we only just barely got started.

And I've got a wonderful, incredible man that I love and that loves me.

I have no doubt whatsoever, about our love for one another.What I doubt, is that life will ever work out and allow us to actually be together again.

I'm sad. I'm beyond pissed. I'm hurt. I'm bitter. And did I mention that I'm tired? And all I want right now, the only thing I really want, is to go to sleep and not wake up. Ever. I do not want to be here anymore. I do not want to do this anymore. I do not want to live this way anymore...and more importantly, I don't want the people I love to have to keep living the way they're living because of me anymore. It breaks my heart, that it breaks their heart, when they feel like they can't help me in some way...when they've already done so very, very much.

And each morning I wake up. Disappointed. Again. I don't feel like I'm living. I feel like all I'm doing is existing...waking up every day and breathing.

Meanwhile...A happily married, mother of three lost her battle with cancer yesterday. Fifteen days before xmas...a happily married, mother of three lost her battle with cancer yesterday. WTF? Why did this woman have to lose her battle? It's bullshit.

Now before anyone gets their panties (sorry Beej) in a twist...I'm okay. I know typing what I typed, doesn't sound like I'm okay, but I am. I'm an adult. A level-headed, responsible, sane adult. I have no intention of hurting myself or taking my life in any form or fashion. I would never...ever...do that to my daughter or the other people that care about me. Got it? I hope so.

I'm okay. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything else. In fact, I'm going to close the comments after I'm done with this because I'm not here looking for comments. And I sure as hell don't want to hear anything about someone else's g-ds plan for me. I'm thrilled that you have your g-d and that you believe everything you believe and that all of that makes you feel better, safer, whatever...and you're my family and I love you...but I do not want to hear anything that remotely has to do with your g-d and I, in relations to one another. I typed what I typed to get it all out of my head. Nothing more. Nothing less.

And don't sit there and think that I don't know I'm a heel. The three kids are healthy. R is healthy. The rest of my family and friends are all healthy.
I know that I'm lucky. I know that I should be way more thankful than I obviously am. I know that there are millions of people that are far, far worse off than I am right now.

I know. I suck.

Like I said... I'm going to hell in a handbasket. I just can't seem to get there fast enough.

"Sit down Christian."
- The Real Live Preacher

A friend passed this on to me and although you all know I am not religious...I felt the overwhelming need to pass it forward. It's from a guy known as "The Real Live Preacher." If you want to learn more about him, check out his website at www.reallivepreacher.com. (I'm amazed that he is a BAPTIST!)
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Sit down Christian. You cannot wave your unread Bible and scare me because I know the larger story that runs through it beginning to end. I'm trying to resist the temptation to snatch it from your hands and beat you with it.

I am your worst nightmare, a Texas preacher who knows the good book better than you do. Show me your scriptures. Show me how you justify condemning homosexual people.

Show me what you got, Christian. The Sodom story? That story is about people who wanted to commit a brutal rape. Let's all say it together, "God doesn't like rape". You could have listened to your heart and learned that, Christian. Move on. What else you got?

A passage from Leviticus? Are you kidding me? Are you prepared to adhere to the whole Levitical code of behavior? No? Then why would you expect others to? Move on. What else?

Two passages - two verses from Romans and one from I Corinthians. There you stand, your justification for a worldwide campaign of hatred written on two limp pieces of paper. Have you looked closely at these passages? Do you understand their context and original language? I could show you why you don't have much, but there is something more important you need to see.

Come with me to the church cellar. Come now and don't delay. I am shaking with anger and fighting the urge to grab you by the collar and drag you down these steps.
You didn't know the church had a cellar? Oh yes, every church does. Down, down we go into the darkness. Don't slip on the flagstone and never mind the heat.

There, do you see the iron furnace door, gaping open? Do you see the roaring flames? Do you see the huge man with glistening muscles, covered with soot? Do you see him feeding the fire as fast as can with his massive, scooped shovel?

He feeds these flames with the Bible, with every book, chapter, and verse that American Christians must ignore to support our bloated lifestyles, our selfishness, our materialism, our love of power, our neglect of the poor, our support of injustice, our nationalism, and our pride.

See how frantically he works? Time is short, and he has much to burn. The prophets, the Shema, whole sections of Matthew, most of Luke, the entire book of James.

Your blessed 10 commandments? Why would you want to post them on courtroom walls when you've burned them in your own cellar?

Do you see? DO YOU SEE?
Do you see how we rip, tear, and burn scripture to justify our lives?

The heat from this cursed furnace rises up and warms the complacent worshippers in the pews above. The soot from the fire blackens our stained glass so that we may not see out and no one wants to see in.

Do you smell the reek of this injustice? It is a stink in the nostrils of the very living God. We are dressed in beautiful clothes and we wear pretty smiles, but we stink of this blasphemous hypocrisy.

Every church in America - mine not excepted - has a cellar like this. We must shovel 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, because every chapter and book we ignore must be burned to warm our comfy pews.

Our souls are stained from this biblical holocaust, but somehow these two scraps of scripture mean all the world to you.
You swallow whole camels, and now you're gagging on a gnat? When did you ever give a shit about what the Bible has to say?

Sit down Christian. Sit down and be you silent.
How long has it been since you forgot that we were called to walk the earth as pilgrims? Do you not remember when he told us to give our coats to those in need and sell our possessions to help the poor? Did you forget how the first church had all things in common so that none would lack.
Did you forget the day He told us that whatever we did for the oppressed we did for Him, and whatever we withheld from them was kept from Him as well?

Sit down, Christian. You have not earned the right to speak to this generation. The right to speak is earned with love.
Take back your bible. Take it back and start reading it. Fall in love again with Jesus. Sell what you must and walk the earth. Let your love be astonishing and people may one day listen to your words.
Even now you might be saved. Our God is merciful and forgiveness awaits.

The Real Live Preacher

"Hatred comes from the heart; contempt from the head; and neither feeling is quite within our control."
- Arnold Schopenhauer

Rarely do I use the word 'hate'.

Okay, that's not totally true.
I use if often when I see or hear about children and animals being mistreated in any manner.
Oh, and whenever stupid people cross my path.

But right now... there are aspects of October that I'm starting to hate as well.
It's great that breast cancer awareness has an entire month dedicated to it, but I'm sick to death of seeing celebrities on shows talk about it.
Specifically, those that have had it, with the only exception being Melissa Ethridge because she's the only one thus far that I've heard really speak about her experience and all that it entails...not to mention, I feel although she's a celebrity and financially wealthy, she still relates to those people that aren't celebrities and/or financially wealthy.

I'm sick of hearing the other celebrities go on and on about how great America is because every woman with breast cancer has "a team of doctors" and how they've come so far and "it's all about the journey." And my personal, latest favorite one of, "the minute you're diagnosed, you're a survivor."

It's hard to believe that I and other women have news for an effing anchorwoman...but guess what Miss Missy...not every woman with breast cancer has a "team of doctors"...some don't even have health insurance, let alone a "team of doctors". And it may have been "all about the journey" for you...but for some of us, it's a craptastic journey that we'd sooner forget and yet still have to travel on a daily effing basis.

As for "the minute you're diagnosed, you're a survivor"...well some of us don't feel like we've "survived" an effing thing.
You may still have healthcare, great doctors, financial security and your effing mansion...but there are women all over the United States that have lost their jobs and healthcare... that don't have doctors anymore (if they even had one in the first place)...women that have lost their financial security and their home. Women that have damn near lost everything, if not most of everything. Women that are forced to choose between their meds/treatment or buying food for their children or trying to keep a roof over their head. Women that don't have the satisfaction and/or security of having regular scans to insure that their cancer is being held at bay, for lack of a better word, due to lack of funds.
Which begs the question, when you've lost (or have been forced to give up) everything...what exactly is it that they/we have survived??

My guess, is that if you ever took the effing time to temporarily exit the secure, little (and when I write "little", I mean effing little) world you live in...and remember the real world from whence you probably came...you wouldn't go on national television and spew the shit you spew...all the while pretending that the world most of us live in, doesn't effing exist.

This is not to say that I'd rather you not spread the word about breast cancer awareness, utilizing the 'medium' that lays at your feet...but for the love of what's right and the sake of those that don't have that same 'medium' laying at our feet, and all that comes with it...please stop forcefully shoveling crap at us.
Some women may not have food and/or the money to buy food...but they sure as hell don't want to eat crap either.

Granted, we know your immediate reaction to what I've written above will probably be and/or is...but you've survived! You're still alive! You're still able to be around the people you love and that love you! You have to keep fighting!

Here's another news flash for ya:
The "fighting", you speak so bravely about it...
Yep...we're all warriors, the minute we're diagnosed. Every one of us feels that 'fire in our belly'. We don't put on "a brave face"....we have a brave face...and a will of steel.
We plan not only on fighting, but fighting with every thing we have...not only for ourselves, but more importantly for the ones that we love and that love us.

Then, some of us (read; not you), are smacked squarely in the face...by reality. The medical bills start adding up. Health Insurance Companies, doctors and diagnostic clinics refuse service until "deductibles" are paid up. Employers get sick of paying other employees overtime in the affected employee's absence. At which time, employer's "let" the affected employee "go". This, of course, eventually leads to people having to choose between COBRA insurance premiums and/or their mortgage/rent, among other bills. Employer related disability pays half or less of a typical income and trying to get on Social Security Disability seems to only work reasonably fast, for those that don't really need it in the first place. Then the regular bills start adding up. Then the people, the ones you love and care about, the same ones that love and care about you...and even the banks and utility companies that have done everything in their power to "work with you, given your circumstances"...the ones that have so graciously helped you in any/every way possible...they start getting tapped out...and you start feeling like a greater imposition, than when they first started helping you. And you start to see the effects of them and your children "going without". And don't even get me started about when and how Uncle Sam doesn't give a rats ass if you can't pay your income tax and/or personal property taxes.

Yes, that's right...you and I may very well live in the same United States, but we also live in two completely different worlds.

In the real world, when one is not a celebrity and/or doesn't have a million plus dollars in one's bank account...Insurance companies, Social Security, etc... tend to string people along and deny anything/everything for as long as humanly possible... banking on one's death, so as to never have to help at all.
In the real world, Uncle Sam and debt collector's work solely to spare people from a long, drawn out, painful death due to cancer or any/all other diseases...so that they can bleed you dry quickly instead.

Don't get me wrong...there is and always will be a part of us, that is thankful and grateful to still be alive and to still be a part of the lives of the people we love and care about and that love and care about/for us.

However, unbeknownst to you...
It gets harder and harder with every passing day, to be grateful for still being alive in a world that's seemingly falling down all around you and more importantly, falling down around your children and the others you love.
It's no easy task to hang on to the will to live, when one isn't really living. Not living normally, so to speak.
It's difficult, to spend day after day in great pain, sick and exhausted from being sick and in pain and worrying about one's health that may or may not be monitored because of financial restraints.
Add to that, the worry about every day financial issues and you have someone that's favorite part of the day to look forward to... is sleeping, because often times...that's the only ''peace" they know. Then when one actually gets in bed to go to sleep, a small part of them hopes and wishes that they don't in fact wake up the next day because they know it will be yet another day filled with pain, sickness, worry and disappointment.

Now compound all of the above with the feeling of guilt. The guilt that one feels because they know there are still people in the world that have it worse than they do, so they feel like they shouldn't even have any thoughts of complaining, let alone actually complaining. The guilty feeling that even though they know they are not materialistic in way, shape or form...life has made it abundantly clear that money is exactly what it takes to alleviate a majority of life's problems, difficulties, issues and worries. The guilty feeling that yes, there are days when one can double up on their meds and have good days...and live somewhat normally by going out and about, or to special occasions and family gatherings...and there are also still all of the "little things" in life that make us smile or laugh on a daily basis...but the "good" days are few and far between compared to the typical 'everyday' that is filled with sickness, pain, stress and worry.

Now top all of that off with the sprinkle of fear. Fear that things will never be normal again. Fear that one will never be able to financially recover from this journey that "it's all about." Fear about how the effects of being financially ruined will affect one's children, their well-being and their college education. Fear about how long it will adversely affect one's children in the long run in general. The fear that life is simultaneously standing still and flying by all at the same time. Fear about feeling like your holding others back and/or dragging them down with you. Fear about coming to terms with that little piece of you that believes that everyone just might be better off without you and all of the baggage that comes with you period.
The fear about 'what if'. What if things do get better or start to get better and the Big C rears it's ugly head again. What then?

There's no easy answer to "What then?"...but I can assure you that whatever the answer may be in your world Ms. Anchorwoman...it will be a drastically different answer and pale in comparison to the answer that awaits those of us in the real world.

"The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next."
-Ursula K. LeGuin

I hate uncertainty.

So, short story...
Took forever to get into my doctor's in Dubai. Once I was able to do so, they switched some of my meds. Said meds made me really, really sick. So sick, that I ended up in the hospital due to severe dehydration. During this time, my visit visa expired.

Used to be that people would take a day trip to Kisch Island, return to Dubai and renew their visit visa while waiting for a residence visa. As of August 1st, the law changed, requiring people to return to their country of origin. Hence, the reason I'm back in the states.
Upon arriving back in the states, I went from the airport to a hospital for dehydration again.

Feeling better now, back on my most of meds.
No definite date of when I will return to Dubai. Might be December at the latest. A's g-d I hope not that long.

Although we Skype as often as possible, I miss TheRammerHammer and the boys and MobyLover something fierce.
Friends are keeping me busy, having fun when we can...I feel very lucky and grateful to have so many people care about me.
Thanks for all the kind thoughts!

Hope all is well with everyone:)