My Brand Of Crazy...

2009-04-14T14:37:00.002-05:00

"Trickery and treachery are the practices of fools that have not the wits enough to be honest."
- Benjamin Franklin

Okay, I'm back to being public.
A lot has transpired since I last posted.
Those of you that still read here...all two of you, lol...will note that some of the things I've written in the past have since been deleted, for obvious reasons. No sense in asking for more difficulty in my life than I already have, if ya know what I mean.

Sadly, the couple I am staying with, have parted ways.
Needless to say, it didn't go very well.
And that's all I'm gonna say about it publicly.

I'm going to get back to...or should I say, restart the 365 days of Grace...tomorrow. lol.
Hopefully, I will be able to stick to the commitment of it this time without any outside interference.

Hope everyone is well and happy:)

2009-02-26T12:15:00.006-06:00

“Sometimes we reach the boiling point before we realize that the stove is on. Become aware of your feelings - keep your eye on the stove.”
- Karen Dougherty

The amount of crazy going on inside my head these days...is unebelievable even to me...and it's my head and my crazy! Which is why I haven't been around in however many days.

I look backwards in life to learn from mistakes and sometimes to remember the lessons learned. I mostly find myself looking back, questioning whether or not there were 'red flags' that I missed, be it out of sheer stuipidity or my own ridiculous blinders. What I sometimes find...is that there weren't just 'red flags'...there were huge, flashing red neon signs. I think I may have said this before. What I'm trying to figure out now, is if there are 'red flags' and/or neon signs...are they in reference to others or are they trying to tell me that I'm the one that's not as ready as I thought I may have been for change. I have been trying to gather my thoughts for awhile now...well, however long since my last post. Still working on it. I don't know who confuses me more...other people...or me. lol.
Either way...this is me, trying to keep my eye on the stove.

I have been keeping up with my 365 days of grace though, writing them down at the end of each day and they've waited patiently to be posted.

So, here goes...

6 things for 2/17:
1) My Mom finally found an orthepedic surgeon to repair her torn rotator cuff. I cannot believe how long she has waited, enduring the pain.
2) Although the divorce papers are in hand(s)...neither my brother nor SIL have signed them yet...and I've heard they've been 'talking' an awful lot lately. I hope it works out for all involved.
C) New foster puppy Tessa's infection wasn't so bad that she had to be put down!
4) My niece, Petunia, made the National Honor Society.
5) My nephew,Qman, won a most important soccer game.

2/18:
1) I found a new candle scent that I can actually smell! I threw the dang box out though, so I don't know the name of it! lol.
2) Little Warrior's scans came back clean! Best news I've heard in '09 yet! YAY!
C) Strawberry Jello. I could taste it and whatever red dye is in it...I'm not allergic too!
4) My tax guy offered to do my taxes for free! (I'm hoping this isn't because he thinks I'm gonna owe again this year! lol.)
5) One of my friends found the movie "Michael" on DVD for me. I have been looking for this DVD for a long, long time!

2/19:
1) Daisy may be coming to FL with me for a little bit this summer.
2) Bonnie Hunts 'Courtroom TV word of the day'...cracks me to hell up!
C) Shrimp Scampi. Yummyfreakinyum!
4) Came across another dear, dear friend from the old days. Can't wait to catch up.
5) I got a non-allergenic pillow case and it really seems to make a difference!

2/20:
1) Foster Kitty, HunnyBunny, is finally coming out of her shell and socializing. This will make it much easier to find her a forever home.
2) Jeanne got to try her wedding dress on at her parents house after work...and although I didn't get beautiful/prompt cell phone pics...I'm beyond happy that she has finally found the love she has always deserved!
C) Wheel of Fortune...I watch it every day that I can...and I feel my Nana right beside me, watching it with me. I love that feeling.
4) Although I was very dismayed when the dogs chewed up my favorite "Cancer Sucks" winter cap...they spared my Iowa HAWKEYES cap!
5) I got to have a good, long conversation with TexasKelly, who I'm gonna have to start calling WisconsinKelly now. I miss being able to hang out with her...but love the security that we're always 'here' for eachother. Our brains and way of thinking were cut from the same mold in any/every aspect possible. Yes, that means she has the same brand of crazy!

2/21:
1) Matthew won his baseball game!
2) Nicholas got a base hit just for me!
C) Excedrin PM's really, really work!
4) Oh! I forgot this one from back in the beginning of February! Stump, a 10 year old Spaniel sussex won the Westminster Dog Show!
5) The new Pup-Peroni dog treat commercials, the ones with the dogs holding signs in their mouths. I.love.them! This is what made me remember that I didn't post about Stump.

2/22:
1) And another one I forgot about!!! Beth got a new car! I cannot think of another person that deserved this more than her! I hope it is just the beginning of many more blessed things to come for/to her!
2) Fresh Results Natural kitty litter. It's cheap at Wal-mart and works better than any litter I've ever used for all the kittys before. Seriously, this stuff rocks!
C) Heath Ledger won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. It was very well deserved...and I'm not just saying that because of the little heel click he does when jumping off the sidewalk, dressed in the nurses uniform.
4) Sean Penn's Oscar for Best Actor acceptance speech.
5) Dustin Lance Black's Oscar for Best Original Screenplay acceptance speech. I sincerely, hope that Sean and Dustin were, at the very least, able to open one pair of eyes and/or heart about what equal rights should really be.

2/23:
1) The Excedrin PM's work so well, that I haven't clenched my jaw while sleeping for three days now. This really, really helps cut down the never-ending pain that my rotten teeth cause.
2) I dream of Jeanne. Brings back memories.
C) Two of my friends that have been feuding for almost 2 years now, have finally started to find their way back to being friends again!
4) The Jack Bauer hour rocked. I have officially been sucked into the 24 black-hole.
5) Finally, finally, finally....some warm freakin' weather!

2/24:
1) One of the girls from my cancer group has been dancing with NED for her 5th offical year!
2) Ozwald is fitting in with the pack here splendidly. If I can't keep him, I am so very thankful that he can and will stay here.
C) One of my dear friends, that didn't actually start dating another friend but was spending a lot of time getting to know him...found out some not so good things about him and is wise enough to stop it before it got started. Speaking from experience, most women aren't so wise. She deserves the best and I'm glad she's holding out.
4) Foster puppy Count Basie got adopted!
5) I had a long, long hot bath!

2/25:
1) I got a surprise trouble sleeping/good night call from a very tired Nicholas!
2) I should apply for a job at the Psychic Network...or play the lottery I guess.
3) Spring has sprung...the frogs are chirping their beautiful songs non-stop. Yes, I know that they are really just calling for mates. That's another reason I love it and them! lol.
4) Three words: Thunderstorm. Good sleep.
5) Falling asleep while listening to the wind chimes!

2009-02-17T13:27:00.006-06:00

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time."
- Abraham Lincoln (attributed)

One night, I got to see a beautiful, yellow-orange lunar planet in ALL its glory.
My all-time favorite reality show, the one that involves immunity idol's... started again.
I got some *fresh*, very tasty lunch meat that starts with the letter P...it's been a long time since I've tasted that and it's one of the few things I can taste...so YAY!
I found out that one of my very dear friends, had her third healthy daughter! The world will be a better place because this woman is procreating!
One of the temporary canine residents here was adopted out again. She went through some very, very serious medical issues after she was born and although she survived, is a special needs canine which is why I used the word "again". I believe the third time is a charm and that these people will be exactly what she needs.
Semi-nude internet web-cam visual and audio relations with you know who! Yee-freakin-haw!
One of the permanent canine residents here that is the epitomy of a one-person-dog...finally broke down and had a little awesome tug-o'war-woobie time with me...I guess all the treats finally got through!
The temperature was finally such that I didn't shake like a tamborine when I had to go outside.
I doubled up and had a nice day out with a great, great friend.
My favorite cousin, got the much needed medical attention she was requiring but couldn't afford. I found two very, very inexpensive, educational books for a very special birthday coming up for a little boy that's very special to me!
Somebody ordered a bottle of my favorite candy, that can only be found in up-state NY. It should be here some time next week. Hopefully I will still be able to taste it.
Someone that I have only had a professional relationship with for however many years now, just extended a hand of friendship via a very popular, addicting internet website. She is an awesome, awesome woman and I look forward to getting to know her better.
Although I paid the price of doubling up from the day before, I took a sleeping-pill and slept most of the day away.
The only other reality show I like to watch, which involves a looooot of traveling began again too. The swelling in my hands went down enough that I was able to paint my tootsies!
The dryer got fixed and I was able to catch up on my laundry.
One of my friends recently had her boobies squishded and sought my guidance in going forward with some suspicious spots...and I was able to help. No news yet, but I'm hoping this will soon be something else I'm able to be thankful about!
I was able to do something really, really nice for my daughter!
The wooden/barb-wire barricade that surrounds the property has finally been fixed...hence I will not be chasing down and trying to cajole any small equines back within the confines on a weekly basis. That gets real old...real fast! lol.
The really, really sick canine I've been caring for...is down to one nebulizer treatment a day! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!
I got a brand new pair of wonderfully warm jammie pants...which is a good thing since the damn temperature dropped again.
Someone gave me their copy of the 1st season collection of the gayguy/redheadedgirl show!
And finally...I'm so very, very thankful for all the people that take those goofy pictures of their felines and then post them with funny captions. I laugh for a good half-hour about those every day!

Well...I can't say that was fun...but it was definitely time-consuming! I look forward to all future lists being back to simple! I'll post todays list, tomorrow. :)

2009-02-13T13:15:00.005-06:00

"Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears."
-Arthur Koestler

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."
- Saint Francis De Sales

Whew. Been awhile. I should probably add more quotes for each of the days I missed, but frankly...I'm too tired. I scribble down my 5 things each day, totally intending to get on here and type them...but it's been a rough few days, to say the least. That and the content of this post (aside from the 6 things) was started back on Wednesday night and it might get a little lengthy because I'm happily medicated and in a rambling mood. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Yeah, so I'm trying to remedy the fact that I have never been the most patient person (among other things I'm trying to remedy), whether it was waiting for something to happen or to try and make something happen.

There was a time when I didn't believe that all things could and would just happen...I thought one had to go out and put in the time and energy to make things happen, if they wanted it bad enough...and that the people that weren't willing to put in the time and energy, were lazy and must not have really, really wanted it.

Kinda throws a monkey-wrench into the whole "good things come to those who wait" theory though too, huh?!

Some times I have moments of weakness and just don't know what I believe anymore.

Has some cosmic force been in play these past few years? Taking away my ability to just go out and work for/get what I want? Is this why I've been on this you-have-no-other-option-but-to-remain-stationary-and-be-patient path?

The Twinkie-Twit is being a Twinkie-Twit once again.

I want to be back in Dubai with Ron and they boys. I want to be there to hug them and to try and comfort them. Not replace her, mind you. I already know from personal experience that I wouldn't ever be able to do that...but I'd love to just be able to hug them.
But, no. Here I am, thousands of miles away. And it stinks and it makes me sad.

What I do know, is that the last trip down the rabbit-hole was a bad trip. And I was very, very sad. And I got tired of being so very, very sad. And one of the reasons I started my blog...the 1st one that I had to abandon and this one...was so that perhaps if I'm gone someday and my daughter is forced to deal with the big "C" beast she could read my blogs...that somehow they might benefit her, maybe even help to guide her in the thousands of 'choices' that one has to make because of the big "C". Let her see that one has to fight with all they have but that's it's okay to also get tired, one can't help but get tired and weary and face the downside...wind up at the bottom of a very dark rabbit-hole. And I now hope, that she sees that one shouldn't stay down the rabbit-hole as long as I did, here as of late.

I've learned, and I hope to teach her, that we do what we have to do and that's all we can do sometimes...and that all we can really control is our thoughts and our actions.

This isn't to say that I'm not still struggling with some things inside my head...because I am...but outwardly...in order to not be at the bottom of the rabbit-hole anymore...I've got to change my actions in order to climb back up.

I cannot change my current situation, which is:
I'm back here in the Mid-west. And because I'm a sane, responsible adult...the financially responsible thing to do, is to stay here until the end of next summer. I'll join Ron and the boys down south at the beginning of summer when they come back to the states and then we will all return overseas again together.
I can see my primary doctor here in the states to get refills on the meds that I can...and that's it.
So getting most of the other meds is out of the question.
I have no health insurance, so getting anymore tests or scans is out of the question.
Because my house is gone, I'm staying with two friends who have graciously welcomed me to stay as long as necessary.
This means that because I live here with them, I do not qualify for any state assistance medically wise because of their combined income.
Which means that again...anymore tests and scans is out of the question.
My breast cancer was estrogen positive. The estrogen that my body naturally created fed the cancer...doubling it in size as quickly as possible.
Chemotherapy put me into menopause, as it is supposed to do.
No estrogen, meant that if/when cancer returned...at least it wouldn't have estrogen to fuel it.
My body did not tolerate the adverse effects of the first, shall we say, anti-estrogen drug they put me on to keep me in menopause.
The second drug...didn't do its job and I came out of menopause which is apparently a million to one odds. Lucky me.
And of course, my body didn't tolerate the adverse effects of the 3rd drug they put me on either.
What all of this means is that now the only way to keep my body from producing estrogen...would be to have a hysterectomy.
No health insurance and being unable to qualify for state assistance means that a hysterectomy is also out of the question.
The last test I had, was a tumor-marker test back in August...which was still just under the radar thank goodness.
When I was in the hospital back in August as well, I had a brain scan, which also came back normal, (if you can believe that!) again, thank goodness.
Other than that, my last cancer scans weres back in July of 2008.
So, essentially...I'm a ticking time bomb.
In addition to this, the price my body has paid from the Osteoporosis and Arthritis most of the meds caused can only be a little relieved from the pain killers that I'm still able to get because they are inexpensive.
Don't get your panties in a twist, you won't see me on Oprah someday.
I take one and half vicodin in the a.m. and one and a half in the p.m. and that's it.
They, at least help to take the edge off.
And when I really need/want to function and do something...I double up my doses in order to do so...and then the next day, I do without and pay the price for the fun the day before.
Although I've been advised to increase my daily dosage...I'm smart enough to know that one increase would eventually lead to another and another and so forth. Thankfully, I recognize that I have enough medical problems as it is and do not need to add addiction to the list.
Without the Osteoporosis drug...I can literally feel my body deteriorating more and more each day. Specifically my hips and hands. I can feel my hip bones grinding every day. Not only does it hurt...but it successfully gives one a substantial case of the heebie-jeebies! Blech.
Although I take calcium to help with the Osteoporosis every, single day and drink milk with every meal (not because I feel I have to, I have just always, always, always LOVED MILK!)...my
Teeth are massively deteriorating. Literally, disintegrating more and more...chipping away, causing fillings to fall out...cracking and breaking off piece by piece. I would say that if I'm not careful, I'll soon look like one helluva an old woman that lives in the sticks and has no knowledge that I'm actually living in the 21st century with real dentists and such and everything!...but I'm as careful as I can be...being very picky about what I eat, which has become mostly very, very soft foods.
Which is to say...they are beyond repair and dentures will eventually be in my future. Which I'm perfectly fine with. If it weren't for the Xylocaine Pump Spray, the mouth pain would have already driven me to either down the entire bottle of vicodin and/or pull the effing things out myself. Truth be told...I'm 40 years old now and I cannot wait for dentures. I very much look forward to never having mouth pain again.

So, to recap: I cannot change my physical whereabouts and I cannot change the fact that I'm currently a ticking time bomb.
And that is what got me so far down that damn rabbit hole.
Granted...in reality, nobody actually around me had knowledge of said rabbit-hole. I'm a fantastic actress when required. The RammerHammer knew...but that was it...and I wholeheartedly believe and know that I would still be down there if it weren't for the wisdom he so wonderfully shares with me and the unbelievable peace he brings me.

So...what I finally realized is that I need to get back to the old Peg.
The Peg that makes the best of whatever is.
If I cannot know where I stand medically speaking...than I have to not think about it period.
All I can do is live my life to the fullest in the here and now.
Doesn't mean that a small part of me isn't still sad about the things that I cannot change, of course, but I realize that I cannot dwell on that 24/7. It's not healthy...and it serves only to be miserable a lot of the time.
And if I cannot know where I stand medically speaking...if and when I'm faced with things going downhill again...than I would much rather the time prior to that have been as happy and memorable as possible.

So there ya have it. That's my crazy update. Can't say I'm necessarily being 'positive' about things. I'm just being thankful and grateful and happy with whatever is each day. I'm not letting my actions be influenced by my fears anymore.
Don't get me wrong...there are somethings or people, I should say, that are currently frustrating me to no end...and that will be another post. LOL. But I'm not letting that or them be the main point of focus in my daily being.

2009-02-11T22:34:00.004-06:00

"Our attitudes control our lives. Attitudes are a secret power working twenty-four hours a day, for good or bad. It is of paramount importance that we know how to harness and control this great force."
- Tom Blandi

Forgive me, it's been a rough couple of days.

My 6 things from Monday:

1) The sick Hunter puppy is doing substantially better...finally!

2) Marshmellow toast! Yum.

C) I got back in touch with another long lost friend.

4) The boys each had a tooth pulled and handled it very, very well! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo-hoo!

5) I found $20 in my old winter coat! Whoo-hoo.

6) The people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or well on their way.

My 6 things from yesterday:

1) The wind finally died down enough so the satellite worked again and I didn't miss Ellen!
IheartEllen.

2) Sassafras got adopted! Yee-haw!

C) Although I don't have health insurance anymore, my doctor is researching a way for me to hopefully have some needed tests done.

4) I was able to stay awake long enough to watch NCIS...I'm officially hooked!

5) The puppies are almost house trained, this means less steam cleaning the carpet, and steam cleaning is very, very hard for me to do...so this is a great thing!

6) The people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or well on their way!

Todays 6 things:

1) The sun rose today and it was beautiful!

2) There was a wonderful, wonderful thunderstorm...and I had a wonderful afternoon nap!

C) I was finally able to make friends and win the trust of the Brown Tabby stray 'Garage' that nobody has touched for 6 years. Hopefully I will be able to post a picture of him soon...there is something really, really special about him!

4) The swelling in my hands has finally gone down enough and I can wear my rings again.

5) I got the garbage out to the dumpster before the trash truck came!

6) The people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or well on their way:)

2009-02-09T10:22:00.003-06:00

"The best way out is always through."
- Robert Frost

Yesterdays 6 things:

1) I got to see not one, but two I Love Lucy episodes I had never seen before...and I thought I'd seen them all!

2) I got to refill some of my meds finally!

C) I have the greatest friends in the world.

4) Russell Stover Dark Chocolate Butter Cream candy...I can totally taste the cocoa! Yay!

5) Somehow or another, I got my laundry done...before the dryer stopped working!

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way!

2009-02-07T22:48:00.005-06:00

"Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water. Be still and allow the mud to settle."
- Lao Tzu

Well, while the mud continues to settle and my crazy rests its weary way...it appears I have some catching up to do.

Thursdays 6 things:

1) I finally heard from my cousin and she's sober, safe and happy.

2) I got to Skype with TheRammerHammer and the boys! Yay!

C) One of the foster puppies got adopted!

4) I got some prime Coco The Cabana Boy time. (Perhaps he should be a permanent #7!)

5) It was warm enough to go outside in a short sleeve t-shirt!

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way.

Friday's 6 things:

1) I got four hours of consecutive sleep.

2) When the sattelite went out, I got to watch the first season DVD of Will & Grace. Which means I laughed. A lot.

C) The Hunter puppy is getting significantly better health wise!

4) I got a lot of paperwork done.

5) I doubled up my meds and had a nice dinner out with 2 great friends...and didn't get sick!

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way.

And since I'm on a roll...
Todays 6 things:

1) I got a much needed, good 2 hour nap in!

2) The swelling in my hands finally subsided a little.

C) I found a Christmas ornament that I remember having on our tree as a little girl and my Nana telling me the story about it. I can't wait to put it on a tree this year!

4) I got the unbroke, Houdini colt back into the pasture safely. Again.

5) I love when I get to see sleeping puppies dreaming!

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy, or on their way!

2009-02-05T11:09:00.003-06:00

"The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul."
- G.K. Chesterton

Another day... still a work in progress.
Off to the doctor today. Blech.

My 6 things from yesterday:

1) Puppies that are quickly picking up the art of potty training!

2) Hearing that although my brother is going through a divorce, my nieces are having a better family life without all of the yelling and screaming.

C) Dayquil...it numbs your throat instantaneously.

4) Pasta, doing a stomach right.

5) Warm weather is back!

6) That the people and animals that I love and care about are healthy, or on their way:)

2009-02-04T11:11:00.003-06:00

"There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope."
~Baruch Spinoza

Okay, first up...my 6 from yesterday.
Ya'll are gonna be shocked when I catch up to myself and if you aren't...I will be.

Six things that I was grateful for and/or that brought me pleasure yesterday:

1) Coco the Cabana Boy. 'Nough said.

2) Got to spend the day with a great friend!

C) Having said that, it was nice to have some down time yesterday too, also known as my own private Hermit time. Got some serious thinking done.

4) The AT&T commercial where the guy drags his TV all over the house. This may have been exceedingly funny to just me... because of my meds.

5) The funny/semi-adult conversation I had with my daughter via test messaging. Again, this can probably be attributed to my meds.

6) That all of the people and animals I love and care about are healthy, or on their way.

So, about the quote.
I'm going to try and attempt to find some middle ground. I have a tendency to be an extremist. Not all the time or in every aspect one can think of... just certain areas. Some of the time, I believe this has saved me some grief...other times, I believe this has only served to cause myself more grief than necessary. I'm not fooling myself though, I know that I will find some middle ground and I also know that I will probably be an extremist in certain areas of my life...for the rest of my life. I guess only time will tell.

And time, along with fear and hope, is what the above quote is all about to me.
It feels as if I've been lost for a very long time now. Finding a bit of myself again, from time to time and getting more and more lost with every waking moment at other times. I've been bouncing myself back and forth and frankly, it's getting exhausting. I keep thinking that there has got to be a better way...but 'thinking', is as far as I've gotten. And me, being the most confilcted person I know...also knows that nothing will change if I don't change something. And to take my crazy one step further...what exactly am I going to change??? I haven't been able to put a definitive finger on it just yet. Hence, I'm starting little. Like with the 6 things each day.

Part of me, the old me that creeps through from time to time, wants to live life to the fullest again...and part of me...the reality of the me after cancer...feels like I'm stuck, standing in a pile of molasses. Physically, I want to do things I was able to do before, but I can't. I mean I can, to some degree, if I double up my meds...but I don't want there to have to be any freakin' meds. But there are meds and even doubling up, doesn't allow me to do everything I used to do. What's that old saying? "Of all the things I miss, I miss my mind the most." Yeah, I miss my thought process the most...which technically isn't all that much better now...just slower I guess. lol. Have I ever discussed my unwillingness to accept the things I cannot change on this blog??

Are you clueless now? That's to be expected...you don't live inside my head.
You should seriously consider putting that on your list of 5 things today!

Anyhoo...the reason that I started this blog, well, the BBM blog, was 1) to be an outlet for myself. Once I was diagnosed, my thoughts and head were swirling. I thought that by getting things out of my head it would help me to think more clearly. Yeah, that didn't happen. lol. 2) I also started it, in the event that my daughter may someday have to go through what I've been through..that perhaps, by chance, maybe at least one thing I've written will be able to help her. Of course, the conflicted crazy woman in me, doesn't ever want her to read a single, solitary word for fear that she may end up crazy like me. And 3) I thought that my writing might be able to help someone else, someone that's already sane and wouldn't have to worry about my crazy infecting them. lol.

Wow. Sure feels like I'm rambling and being very redundant.
So I think I will stop here. For today.
Hopefully, I will be back to post the 6 things for today.

2009-02-03T10:25:00.003-06:00

"Most plans are just inaccurate predictions."
- Ben Bayol

Did I say I would post yesterdays 6 things later yesterday??
Yeah...'bout that...

I suck...but always in a really good way.

I got busy doing something that had to get done yesterday and didn't end up finishing until much later than planned and then promptly passed out.

Perhaps I should start posting two lists a day...one list for today and then tomorrow's list the day before...that way, I won't ever be late or miss a day! But, then would I technically be posting the same list twice or kinda keep them separate and technically be posting a total of 12 things instead?
And does all this leave you thoroughly confused???
Thanks to my meds, it made sense in my head before typing it...for about a minute...then I got lost. So if it didn't leave you confused...can you explain it to me???
Just kidding.
I guess I should just keep playing catch up whenever I miss a day.

So, I'll try again...

Six things that I was grateful for and/or brought me pleasure yesterday:

1) PB&J sandwiches that statistically have a greater chance of 'staying down' than not.

2) Meds that when doubled, allow me to do some things much later than originally planned.

C) My sanity and tempermant...have much improved over the years.

4) Nekkid Skype/marimba playing.

5) Liddo puppies.

6) That the people and animals that I love and care about are healthy or on their way to being healthy:)

2009-02-02T08:58:00.004-06:00

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity."
- Lewis Grizzard

Yeah. It's the blocking that I defnitely seem to have issues with. LOL, but I'm workin' on it.

So, I'm bettin' you're thinking that I was at some kick-arse Super Bowl Party, got snot-slinging drunk and ended up puking my guts out behind a dumpster in an alley, eh?? And that will be my handy-dandy excuse as to why I didn't post my 6 things yesterday...am I right?? Well, you just take a step back and reholster your bitch-slapping hand thankyouverymuch. I can take a well deserved bitch-slap just as good as the next guy...but an unwarranted bitch-slap??? Let's just say the scrappy lil' evil P just might open a can of whoop-arse on ya. Or, at the very least...a really, really old can of tuna to scare you off.

What I'm gettin' at...is that I was down for the count most of yesterday. There was some puking my guts out involved...but it definitely wasn't worth it. No giddiness beforehand. What I mean to say is, Superbowl? What Superbowl??? The bad news is that The Cardinal's lost. The good news is that I didn't see it happen. The other good news is that apparently the commercials this year apparently left a lot to be desired, so I didn't miss much.

So, I'm going to post 6 things from yesterday right now and the ones for today...later...cause when it comes to drawing that line in the sand and staying committed...that's how I roll.

Six things I was grateful for and/or that brought me pleasure yesterday:

1) That the bathroom isn't clear across the other side of the house I'm staying at.

2) That I made the RammerHammer smile a little bit, even though he really didn't feel like it.

C) That when you're cold and trying to sleep...puppies and kitties can be warm blooded quilts.

4) That when called upon...some people step up to the plate and do what needs to be done.

5) That I feel better than I did yesterday.

6) That all the people and animals I care about are healthy;)

2009-02-01T00:18:00.003-06:00

"Better Nate than lever."
- RammerHammer

Six things I am grateful for and/or bring me pleasure:

1) The 60 degree weather today! Yay!

2) The puppy is improving.

3) Popcorn and Corn Pops.

4) Old movies.

5) Catching up with Jeanne! It was long over due!

6) That all the people and animals that I love and care about are healthy:)

2009-01-30T11:35:00.007-06:00

"Grace, go to bed. You obviously have had a very busy day of crazy."
- Will Truman, (Eric McCormack)Will & Grace

So, I was thinking about quotes having to do with grace. Some of you will know right where I'm going with this and the other two of you will, as you read on.

Anyhoo, I was originally going to use the following quote:
"We re all stumbling towards the light with varying degrees of grace at any given moment."
-Bo Lozoff

Because right now, it feels as if I'm stumbling (and at times, falling flat on my face!) with maybe...2 degrees of grace...and even that's high-balling it. So, I'm going to be a little selfish right now. I want more or at the very least, as much as I think I used to have.

Then I remembered the Will & Grace quote...specifically the part about "a busy day of crazy".
Although I obviously identify with both quotes, me being who I am, had to lead with the funny one.

Now, on to what the purpose of all this 'grace' talk is about.

I first read about it at Lunasea's blog. I'm usually all about giving credit where credit is due...but I half-ass it when it comes to posting links. That being said, Lunasea's blog is in my sidebar...go there and you'll see the links to where she got it from.
Yes, Colleen...I'm using you. I bet ya feel all derty now, don'tcha?!?

Clearly, given the days since New Year's, I'm no good at all when it comes to being positive every single day.
Hence, I'm going to shoot for an unspecified amount of time each day...of being positive.

So I'm going to committ to this 365 days of grace in small things.
I am going to post 5 things every, single day.
These posts may or may not be accompanied by additional blogging and if I happen to miss a day for some unknown reason, I will post two lists as soon as humanly possible. When I say "miss a day", I mean due to illness, ice storms, etc. What I won't do...is not post because I don't feel like it or am having a negative day or whatever. No rinky-dink excuses...and if I ever try to, I want all four of you that still read my blog to virtually bitch-slap me. Kthanx.

In typical, complicated mybrandofcrazy fashion, listing 5 things every day isn't going to be easy. When I think about being grateful and thankful, I immediately go directly to the big things...like "I'm thankful and grateful that everyone I love and care about, is healthy". Here's where the crazy comes in: I'm gonna instinctively want this to be 1 of the 5 each time because I'm also a little on the superstitious side and if I list it once (and I have to, lol) than I feel like if and when I don't list it...something not-so-good will happen to one of them. I'm not talking in a catastrophic way necessarily, they could just stub their toe really, really bad. Yep. If that doesn't confirm I'm a kook, than I don't know what will.

So, in order to stick to the plan as close to 100% as I can, I'm going to list 6 things each day. I'm also going to go the same route as Lunasea. I'm going to list things I'm grateful for and/or things that bring/give me pleasure. I hear it takes 21 days to form a habit, be it a good or bad habit. And I'm the type of person that generally learns best via repitition, especially these days. Hence, I'm hoping this is a small step in the right direction, of getting my life back to where I want my life to be. I don't know, she explained all this much more eloquently than I ever could. Really, I urge you to go to her blog and read about it...it will make much more sense than I'm trying to make.

Without further ado...
The 6 things I'm grateful for or that bring me pleasure today:

1) That the whole Peanut Butter samaonella thing currently going on does not include actual jars of peanut butter. Peanut butter is one of the few things I can still taste and it would really stink if it was taken away, even if it would only be for a little while.

2) Neutrogena Facial Moisturizer. It's water-based and I detest greasy, oily based moisturizer.

C) Stephen Pinker. If it weren't for him and the brilliance he willingly shares with the world, the most amazing man I have ever known, might not be willing to buy my brand of crazy. I'm going to elaborate about this tomorrow if I can.

4) That Hunter puppy, the foster puppy here, that currently has a terrible case of pneumonia...is still alive and fighting and somehow knows I'm trying to help him when I shove my fingers down his throat in order to help him breath better.

5) Colleen...thank you so much for being the catalyst for me!

6) That all the people and animals that I love and care about...are healthy...or at least hopefully, on their way to being healthy again:)

2009-01-29T14:46:00.002-06:00

"and the silent wind still blows,
that only she can hear,
And so, she goes."
- Doug Edwards and Dave Richardson

Someday, in this life or another, I hope I can find a way to understand myself as well as I understand animals.
After 40 years with little progress, that happening is highly unrealistic in this life.
These are the times that I dislike being realistic by nature.

2009-01-21T13:08:00.003-06:00

"Men are respectable only as they respect."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, yesterday I began my fourth decade of life.
It was a good day.
I was able to Skype with R and we watched the Inauguration together.
Then my dear friend took Daisy and I out to dinner.
R sent me some awesome vegan treats, made by one of our very dear friends.
My dear friend gave me a beautiful sterling silver bangle with an Emerson quote inscribed on it, not the above quote, but another.
And Daisy gave me a wood wick candle...I love these candles, they crackle like a fire place...great to hear whilst falling asleep. Not falling asleep, as in sleeping all night and leaving the candle unattended of course...just a nap.

Anyhoo...the quote.
I'll preface the following by saying that I try not to judge people...and I think I'm pretty good at not doing so. I do not believe that I am better than others or above others. On the contrary, I know I'm crazy and that my warped way of thinking is crazy as compared to others. I do believe, however, in doing the 'right' thing and I don't believe that asking others to do the 'right' thing is ever too much to ask. Expecting others to do the 'right' thing...well, I get that that is foolish and only sets oneself up for disappointment. And letting people get away with doing the 'wrong' thing...well, I believe that that is setting oneself up for even more disappointment.

Something happened a couple of days ago, that I've felt very conflicted about ever since.
In one way, it seems petty and insignificant, because there are bigger fish to fry and in another way, it feels like a big deal to me...because respect is a very, very, very,very big deal to me.
Someone that R and I went to school with years ago, that we recently got back in touch with, *I feel*...crossed a line.
*I feel* that this person disrespected R, myself and 'us' as a couple...not to mention themselves in doing so, but I digress.
I loathe disrespectful people and classify them as stupid people because it doesn't take a college degree to know the difference between being respectful and being disrespectful.

R looks for the good in people and tries to draw it out...which, of course, he is very good at.
I believe that I also look for the good in people and try to draw it out.
R believes that people can do or make stupid mistakes/decisions and still be good people.
I agree...to some degree...because we are all individuals and what's right for someone else may not be right for me and visa versa...but I whole-heartedly do not agree when it comes to respect.
He believes in looking past the transgression, no matter what.
I believe in looking past some transgressions...however, disrepect is not one of them.

I spent many, many years essentially being a people pleaser, for lack of a better word.
People would do and say disrespectful things to/about me...and I kept my mouth shut. I went with the theory of 'forgive them for not knowing what they do'...blah, blah, blah.
After so many years, I came to realize that a majority of the time...people knew exactly what they were doing and did it anyway. I learned that some people are smart about being disrespectful and others are smart enough to play dumb about being disrespectful. I learned that people who disrespect others...are toxic people. I learned that by keeping my mouth shut...I basically gave them permission/free reign to do it, something similar or even worse to me...again. I learned that in regards to respect, we teach people how to treat us.
So I stopped keeping my mouth shut. I call people out...and I don't sugar-coat it.

It is not okay to treat people disrespectfully in any way, shape or form.
Millions of people know this. Millions of people respect themselves enough to make respecting others, a high priority on their list of life. Again, because it's not hard and one doesn't have to be rocket-scientist to do so.
I do not like when people disrespect me and I do not like when people disrespect the people that I care about. I do not like it when people disrespect me and/or the people I care about and it causes issues between me and the people that I care about. And I do not believe that not having any self-respect gives one a free-get-out-of-jail card for disrespecting others.

So, where it stands now is that R is apparently, a better person than I.
He believes in forgiving and forgetting...period.
And I wish I could be more like him.
I can forgive and forget...but I have already had enough toxic people in my life to fill two lifetimes over...hence, I forgive, forget and then you don't exist in my world anymore... because I will never, ever give you the chance to disrespect me again.
Of course, our very different views, makes it tricky for me to have someone not exist in my world anymore.
Which in turn, makes it very difficult for me to forget.
Disrespect leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. So when I see this person, see a picture of this person, hear their name or just think of the contact that R will still have with them...well, it just makes me cringe, gives me that eeeellllluuuuccchhhh feeling. It or they, as the case may be...irk me. It disgusts me, to know that they have ample opportunity...and even the potential in and of itself, to cause more discourse in our relationship...and that the odds are...that they will gladly take that opportunity again...only this time, behind my back more than likely.

R didn't feel disrespected to begin with by what this person did.
Me...it was a crappy feeling to have felt and still feel and I'd just as soon, not feel it again and give this person the chance and obvious pleasure of making me feel this way again.

I get that he didn't feel disrespected. I don't understand it, but I get it. As I said, I know we are all indiviuals, him and I included, and that we think and feel different things for different reasons.
Him not feeling disrespected by what this person did though...makes me feel crazy for feeling disrespected by this person and all the feelings that come with it.
Let me be clear...this has nothing to do with trust or my trusting or not trusting R.
I totally and completely trust R. I know that he loves me and would never betray my trust. I know that, with every ounce of my being.
The issue I have is with giving disrespectful people the potential and opportunity to cause R and I more grief in our relationship.
I am very good at screwing up my own relationships and do not require and/or want/need any outside help whatsoever.
Go ahead, remember the name of this blog is My Brand Of Crazy and shake your head, I'll wait.

So here I am. Confused and conflicted. Do I feel the way I feel because of my past experiences or do I feel the way I feel because this is just who I am as a person? And either way, does it matter? Either way, does that make me so wrong?
Don't get me wrong, I am not one that tends to let other people rent space in my head, nor do I carry around hate or whatever in my heart.
Like I said, typically, people don't exist in my world anymore. I don't waste any more precious time or my breath to, for, on or about them. I try to learn from the lesson and move on.
Is that wrong? Am I wrong? Is that the easy way out?
Those aren't rhetorical questions...although I'm not really asking either. I mean I am asking...but not you, I'm asking myself...and I know that they are questions, that given the circumstances, I can only answer for myself.
I know what my gut tells me to do and I know that when I don't follow my gut...I usually get exactly what I expected, but tried to deny...hence exactly what I deserve, with nobody to blame but myself at that point.
So my head, heart and gut are in a conflicted state of being...thus my brand of crazy gets crazier with each passing day.

2009-01-19T12:23:00.002-06:00

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."
- Gilda Radner

I don't know if I've already posted this quote on either blog...but man...I hope she is right.

My last quote and post was in reference to a couple of different things. Some of which I'm willing and not willing to discuss right now.

At any rate, yes, due to health and financial reasons, my stay in the states is being extended.
As you all can probably guess, I'm not exactly happy about this.
A part of me can't help but wonder if the reason that some of these things that are happening, are happening because for the sake of R and the boys, I shouldn't be there with them.

I can't say that I 100% support the theory that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that some things happen for a reason.
So, I get that sometimes, where ever we physically are in life, that *that* is where we are supposed to be at that time.

Having said that, I get that I am where I am right now for several reasons. I'm trying to help a dear friend with her rocky marriage right now, and it's better for her to be able to physcially get out of her house and hang with me from time to time. There are also relationship issues with the couple that I'm staying with...so I'm trying to help them as well, even though my past relationship history proves that I probably have no business trying to help anyone at all. The little puppy with pneumonia here, would have gone to The Bridge weeks ago, if I weren't here to be able to watch him like a hawk 24/7...among other reasons.

And although, I'm the first to admit that I'm the most contradictive person I know and that I'm okay with myself being the most contradictive I know...I really dislike being as contradictive about life as I am right now.

Forgive me if that made no sense whatsoever, my meds have officially kicked in. I hate, hate, hate all of these damn meds. I hate typing the words 'everything' and 'sometimes' and not instinctively knowing if I'm using them separately or together in the right damn context.

Anyhoo...I don't understand why situations and circumstances and life in general, always refuse to let me be, *where* *I'm* happiest...and the few times that it does/has...it's so effing shortlived. Why do things always have to be so effing complicated and difficult. Why don't things ever seem to effing work out. I know, that sounds so incredibly childish and selfish. I know that life isn't always fair but not always being fair and never effing being fair are two different things.

For the life of me, I can't figure out what to hell it is that I must have done so poorly or wrong in the past. At the very least, I'd like to apologize to whomever or for whatever it was that I did...not to mention, I'd rather not repeat whatever to hell it was, if it results in life now.

Ready for the next complicated contradictive me? (I say that as if you didn't get enough of it in what I already wrote.

In the same breath, I wholeheartedly know that we don't get what we deserve, we just get what we get.

Either way...I feel like the past 10 years have flown by and yet, here I still sit in Missouri (a.k.a. square one), yelling out into a pasture. Questioning wtf I'm doing here. In Missouri. On this planet. In this damn life.

Yep. I get it. I'm being unappreciative again about the blessings I have in my life. The people I care about are healthy and mostly happy. I still have a great daughter. R still wants to be and is an integral part of my life, although I don't know if that's always in his best interest. I hate that because the way my life always goes, that it sometimes makes R feel like he's failing me. He couldn't "fail me" if he tried. He's not that kind of man. He doesn't have that kind of heart. I hate that I'm not as strong as people think I am. I hate that I'm not always as strong as I want to be. I hate that when I'm not...it results in bringing him sorrow.
It makes me question if and whether or not I really know what love is and is all about.
If I love him, I wouldn't bring him any sorrow. People that say they love someone...don't do that to them. I know that.

Whatever. Clearly, I rambling and still probably making no sense.
So where do I go from here...I guess I just keep breathing, even when I don't want too.

On the good days, I'll try to make the best of things and keep trying this positive crap.
And on the bad days, I'll try to sleep through the fact that such is my life.

2009-01-16T03:00:00.003-06:00

"How disappointment tracks the steps of hope."
- Letitia Landon

And scars solidify self-worth.
Yep, being positive didn't last very long.
I believe I was born in the wrong time, the wrong era and possibly the wrong world.
Such is life.

2009-01-08T11:16:00.001-06:00

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”
-John Pierpont Morgan

So, it's a New Year and once again, I'm going to try this positive schmositive stuff.
As humans, I guess, it's just what we do.
Good days and bad days. Sometimes the days stretch into months.
And it's hard to see and remember that it's all about ebbing and flowing when you're deep into the bad days.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm over my little, pathetic pity party.
Yes, I'm aware of how pathetic I sounded and although I'm going to open the comments back up, I'd prefer no comments about the December posts if that's okay with you? Kthankyouverymuch.

I got my Christmas wish and then some.
No celebrating whatsoever.

I ended up in the hospital on Christmas Eve.
No immune system plus the nastiest flu bug I have ever had made for a holiday spent with doctors and nurses due to severe dehydration.

You ready for your first 2009 MyBrandOfCrazy funny moment?

I would have given both my arms for a toilet like this that night:

But no, one toilet was it.
The funny part...well...I passed out and fell off the toilet. The Porcelain Goddess and I have been best friends for three years now, since chemo and all my meds mess with my stomach on a daily basis....but I can't say that that has ever happened before. Thank goodness I was able to wipe before hand! I woke up on the floor, wondering why my ass was so cold then kinda realized what had happened and that my jammie pants were still down around my ankles.
Then the fun really started when I began hallucinating.
This is when my generous hosts raced me to the hospital.

A couple days of IV fluids later...they sent me back home.
Where I slept for the next two days.

I was somewhat better by New Year's Eve but not well enough to celebrate. I set my phone alarm to wake up at midnight and sent out the obligatory "Happy New Year" texts. Then promptly fell back asleep. Watched the Rose Bowl Parade...loving that they don't air it at 6 or 7am anymore! And then proceeded to not watch one single, solitary football game. It was a good way to start the year.

Nothing too eventful since then.
May or may not be returning to Dubai this month, barring no major problems.
I would be beyond thrilled, of course, but I'm taking it one day at a time and remaining guarded.
We hate that we're both sane, responsible adults.
I wish that we could just throw the money at a plane ticket and screw whoever else wants money from us...but that's just not who we are. Even though it sucks sometimes.

My birthday is coming up. Inauguration Day. Yep, every 4 years I get birthday cards from my brothers. It will be the 15 anniversary of my 25th birthday. Doesn't that sound better than 40?? I think so.

I'm glad Obama won the Presidency. He may not be a Republican, but I'm betting if he's willing to protect us from our own government, he'll probably do well to protect us from other governments too. Do I think he's going to be able to do everything he promised while running? Nah, I'm no fool, but I'm guessing he will be one of the first Presidents in a long time to get pretty damn close. Sometimes I don't think he realizes how much his hands will be tied regarding certain matters and other times I think that the American people don't realize how much his hands will be tied regarding certain matters. Either way, it's going to be an interesting 2009 politically speaking and if I could be anyone other than myself...I would not want to be Obama.

Anyhoo...another new beginning.
I'm reading my 365 days of Taoism book again.
And I'm meditating again as well.
I grew away from both and attribute my poor attitude to that.
Going back and reading my archives from the BBM blog, I realized I'm not the same person I was then...and I like that person much better than the person I became in December...no...make that August.
If I ever see that girl again...it will be too soon.
And somebody slap me. Please.

Hope all is well with everyone.

**Edit** - Apparently, I lied. When I can figure out how to re-open the comments, I will. ;)

2008-12-12T10:59:00.002-06:00

"There is never enough time to do or say all the things that we would wish. The thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have. Remember Scrooge, time is short, and suddenly, you're not here any more. "
- The Ghost Of Christmas Present

So, in an effort to prove I'm not 100% a Scrooge this year, as some emails accused...I decided to do something a little different this year.

I'm currently without a lot at this point in time. I essentially have clothes and pictures. Some of my stuff is in storage and all my really important belongings, again, are three or four oceans away and I will not be able to spend the damn holidays with the people I want to spend them with.
I sold the car months ago and the house is officially gone. Note, that I didn't say I sold that too.
Gotta love our economy and the asshats that created it.

Anyhoo...my point is...that I basically have nothing to give anyone this year. I also have little to no funds to assist in my giving anyone anything. I wasn't even going to do Christmas cards this year. And I'm still not, but I am going to blow $8 bucks on one book of stamps.

Don't get me wrong, I got some very nice emails about my previous post as well and quite frankly, the ones that weren't so nice...well...as per my usual bitch attitude...I don't give a rats ass about those ones or what the people that wrote them think about me. The nice ones got me to thinking a little bit though.

So, this year...since I have nothing tangible to give, in the spirit of giving (which is what I like best about the holiday season and why I'm in such a bitchy mood about it)...I'm going to give the only thing I have left to give...good memories.

I'm going to type out little, letters of my favorite individual memories of a select few, tailor made to each person and send them off. I hope, at the very least, that it makes a couple of people smile and laugh.

Not that this is gonna be a great gift to send off because thanks to all the meds, my memory really sucks these days...and the typing...well, as I've said before, the days of a 120+ wpm's are long gone. Hence, I began the chicken pecking yesterday in the hopes that I can actually get them out in a timely manner. And I readily admit, it was nice remembering said events with different people and did indeed bring a smile to my face while typing them.

All that being said, don't be fooled...I'm still pissed, hurt and tired. With the exception of the letters, I still will not bake, celebrate or be merry in any way, shape or form. And even though I hope that my letters bring joy to others...the tired bitch in me, still doesn't want to hear about it.

I may have taken a little "detour" but I'm still going to hell in a handbasket and I still can't get there fast enough.

2008-12-09T16:16:00.002-06:00

"It's beginning to look a lot like Shitmas."

As you may have noticed, I haven't posted the way I used to post. This would be because I just don't feel the same way I used to feel. Well, perhaps that's not the whole truth. I've felt the way I feel now... for awhile now. I'm just really good at hiding it from other people. Keep people busy with witty words and funny stories or serious words about serious causes and they don't think that there's anything wrong, let alone ask...but truth be told, I'm tired. I'm exhausted.

My xmas tree is in a friend's garage, most of my ornaments went to good will last April, the important ornaments I kept are three or four oceans away, I won't be able to be with my daughter, nor will I be able to spend the holidays with R and the boys.

Hence, there will be no shopping. No decorating. No baking. No celebrating Winter Solstice. Nothing. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. And while the frustrated, tired bitch in me sincerely hopes that everyone else is already having a wonderful holiday season...I just don't want to see anyone else shopping, decorating, baking or celebrating either. The commercials are enough to make me want to slit my wrists every other three minutes as it is.

The last scans I had were almost a year ago...and I don't care. Even if I had money and/or health insurance right now...I wouldn't go to the doctor. In fact, I will go as far to say that even if someone paid the bill and me...I still wouldn't go. I don't want to know anything, anymore. I.Don't.Care.Anymore. I wish, like hell, that I would have found the lump and not done a thing about it. Yep. I really just wrote that. And if ya think that's bad...stop reading and hit the X in the top right corner, 'cause I'm apparently on my way to hell in a handbasket.

Daisy is grown. She's a responsible, contributing member of society. She's fun and fair minded.My job is done.

I've got two other little boys, granted, that aren't mine, but it sure sucks to be missing out on life with them, when we only just barely got started.

And I've got a wonderful, incredible man that I love and that loves me.

I have no doubt whatsoever, about our love for one another.What I doubt, is that life will ever work out and allow us to actually be together again.

I'm sad. I'm beyond pissed. I'm hurt. I'm bitter. And did I mention that I'm tired? And all I want right now, the only thing I really want, is to go to sleep and not wake up. Ever. I do not want to be here anymore. I do not want to do this anymore. I do not want to live this way anymore...and more importantly, I don't want the people I love to have to keep living the way they're living because of me anymore. It breaks my heart, that it breaks their heart, when they feel like they can't help me in some way...when they've already done so very, very much.

And each morning I wake up. Disappointed. Again. I don't feel like I'm living. I feel like all I'm doing is existing...waking up every day and breathing.

Meanwhile...A happily married, mother of three lost her battle with cancer yesterday. Fifteen days before xmas...a happily married, mother of three lost her battle with cancer yesterday. WTF? Why did this woman have to lose her battle? It's bullshit.

Now before anyone gets their panties (sorry Beej) in a twist...I'm okay. I know typing what I typed, doesn't sound like I'm okay, but I am. I'm an adult. A level-headed, responsible, sane adult. I have no intention of hurting myself or taking my life in any form or fashion. I would never...ever...do that to my daughter or the other people that care about me. Got it? I hope so.

I'm okay. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything else. In fact, I'm going to close the comments after I'm done with this because I'm not here looking for comments. And I sure as hell don't want to hear anything about someone else's g-ds plan for me. I'm thrilled that you have your g-d and that you believe everything you believe and that all of that makes you feel better, safer, whatever...and you're my family and I love you...but I do not want to hear anything that remotely has to do with your g-d and I, in relations to one another. I typed what I typed to get it all out of my head. Nothing more. Nothing less.

And don't sit there and think that I don't know I'm a heel. The three kids are healthy. R is healthy. The rest of my family and friends are all healthy.
I know that I'm lucky. I know that I should be way more thankful than I obviously am. I know that there are millions of people that are far, far worse off than I am right now.

I know. I suck.

Like I said... I'm going to hell in a handbasket. I just can't seem to get there fast enough.

2008-11-15T08:49:00.002-06:00

"Sit down Christian."
- The Real Live Preacher

A friend passed this on to me and although you all know I am not religious...I felt the overwhelming need to pass it forward. It's from a guy known as "The Real Live Preacher." If you want to learn more about him, check out his website at www.reallivepreacher.com. (I'm amazed that he is a BAPTIST!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sit down Christian. You cannot wave your unread Bible and scare me because I know the larger story that runs through it beginning to end. I'm trying to resist the temptation to snatch it from your hands and beat you with it.

I am your worst nightmare, a Texas preacher who knows the good book better than you do. Show me your scriptures. Show me how you justify condemning homosexual people.

Show me what you got, Christian. The Sodom story? That story is about people who wanted to commit a brutal rape. Let's all say it together, "God doesn't like rape". You could have listened to your heart and learned that, Christian. Move on. What else you got?

A passage from Leviticus? Are you kidding me? Are you prepared to adhere to the whole Levitical code of behavior? No? Then why would you expect others to? Move on. What else?

Two passages - two verses from Romans and one from I Corinthians. There you stand, your justification for a worldwide campaign of hatred written on two limp pieces of paper. Have you looked closely at these passages? Do you understand their context and original language? I could show you why you don't have much, but there is something more important you need to see.

Come with me to the church cellar. Come now and don't delay. I am shaking with anger and fighting the urge to grab you by the collar and drag you down these steps.
You didn't know the church had a cellar? Oh yes, every church does. Down, down we go into the darkness. Don't slip on the flagstone and never mind the heat.

There, do you see the iron furnace door, gaping open? Do you see the roaring flames? Do you see the huge man with glistening muscles, covered with soot? Do you see him feeding the fire as fast as can with his massive, scooped shovel?

He feeds these flames with the Bible, with every book, chapter, and verse that American Christians must ignore to support our bloated lifestyles, our selfishness, our materialism, our love of power, our neglect of the poor, our support of injustice, our nationalism, and our pride.

See how frantically he works? Time is short, and he has much to burn. The prophets, the Shema, whole sections of Matthew, most of Luke, the entire book of James.

Your blessed 10 commandments? Why would you want to post them on courtroom walls when you've burned them in your own cellar?

Do you see? DO YOU SEE?
Do you see how we rip, tear, and burn scripture to justify our lives?

The heat from this cursed furnace rises up and warms the complacent worshippers in the pews above. The soot from the fire blackens our stained glass so that we may not see out and no one wants to see in.

Do you smell the reek of this injustice? It is a stink in the nostrils of the very living God. We are dressed in beautiful clothes and we wear pretty smiles, but we stink of this blasphemous hypocrisy.

Every church in America - mine not excepted - has a cellar like this. We must shovel 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, because every chapter and book we ignore must be burned to warm our comfy pews.

Our souls are stained from this biblical holocaust, but somehow these two scraps of scripture mean all the world to you.
You swallow whole camels, and now you're gagging on a gnat? When did you ever give a shit about what the Bible has to say?

Sit down Christian. Sit down and be you silent.
How long has it been since you forgot that we were called to walk the earth as pilgrims? Do you not remember when he told us to give our coats to those in need and sell our possessions to help the poor? Did you forget how the first church had all things in common so that none would lack.
Did you forget the day He told us that whatever we did for the oppressed we did for Him, and whatever we withheld from them was kept from Him as well?

Sit down, Christian. You have not earned the right to speak to this generation. The right to speak is earned with love.
Take back your bible. Take it back and start reading it. Fall in love again with Jesus. Sell what you must and walk the earth. Let your love be astonishing and people may one day listen to your words.
Even now you might be saved. Our God is merciful and forgiveness awaits.

The Real Live Preacher

2008-11-01T16:16:00.002-05:00

"Hatred comes from the heart; contempt from the head; and neither feeling is quite within our control."
- Arnold Schopenhauer

Rarely do I use the word 'hate'.

Okay, that's not totally true.
I use if often when I see or hear about children and animals being mistreated in any manner.
Oh, and whenever stupid people cross my path.

But right now... there are aspects of October that I'm starting to hate as well.
It's great that breast cancer awareness has an entire month dedicated to it, but I'm sick to death of seeing celebrities on shows talk about it.
Specifically, those that have had it, with the only exception being Melissa Ethridge because she's the only one thus far that I've heard really speak about her experience and all that it entails...not to mention, I feel although she's a celebrity and financially wealthy, she still relates to those people that aren't celebrities and/or financially wealthy.

I'm sick of hearing the other celebrities go on and on about how great America is because every woman with breast cancer has "a team of doctors" and how they've come so far and "it's all about the journey." And my personal, latest favorite one of, "the minute you're diagnosed, you're a survivor."

It's hard to believe that I and other women have news for an effing anchorwoman...but guess what Miss Missy...not every woman with breast cancer has a "team of doctors"...some don't even have health insurance, let alone a "team of doctors". And it may have been "all about the journey" for you...but for some of us, it's a craptastic journey that we'd sooner forget and yet still have to travel on a daily effing basis.

As for "the minute you're diagnosed, you're a survivor"...well some of us don't feel like we've "survived" an effing thing.
You may still have healthcare, great doctors, financial security and your effing mansion...but there are women all over the United States that have lost their jobs and healthcare... that don't have doctors anymore (if they even had one in the first place)...women that have lost their financial security and their home. Women that have damn near lost everything, if not most of everything. Women that are forced to choose between their meds/treatment or buying food for their children or trying to keep a roof over their head. Women that don't have the satisfaction and/or security of having regular scans to insure that their cancer is being held at bay, for lack of a better word, due to lack of funds.
Which begs the question, when you've lost (or have been forced to give up) everything...what exactly is it that they/we have survived??

My guess, is that if you ever took the effing time to temporarily exit the secure, little (and when I write "little", I mean effing little) world you live in...and remember the real world from whence you probably came...you wouldn't go on national television and spew the shit you spew...all the while pretending that the world most of us live in, doesn't effing exist.

This is not to say that I'd rather you not spread the word about breast cancer awareness, utilizing the 'medium' that lays at your feet...but for the love of what's right and the sake of those that don't have that same 'medium' laying at our feet, and all that comes with it...please stop forcefully shoveling crap at us.
Some women may not have food and/or the money to buy food...but they sure as hell don't want to eat crap either.

Granted, we know your immediate reaction to what I've written above will probably be and/or is...but you've survived! You're still alive! You're still able to be around the people you love and that love you! You have to keep fighting!

Here's another news flash for ya:
The "fighting", you speak so bravely about it...
Yep...we're all warriors, the minute we're diagnosed. Every one of us feels that 'fire in our belly'. We don't put on "a brave face"....we have a brave face...and a will of steel.
We plan not only on fighting, but fighting with every thing we have...not only for ourselves, but more importantly for the ones that we love and that love us.

Then, some of us (read; not you), are smacked squarely in the face...by reality. The medical bills start adding up. Health Insurance Companies, doctors and diagnostic clinics refuse service until "deductibles" are paid up. Employers get sick of paying other employees overtime in the affected employee's absence. At which time, employer's "let" the affected employee "go". This, of course, eventually leads to people having to choose between COBRA insurance premiums and/or their mortgage/rent, among other bills. Employer related disability pays half or less of a typical income and trying to get on Social Security Disability seems to only work reasonably fast, for those that don't really need it in the first place. Then the regular bills start adding up. Then the people, the ones you love and care about, the same ones that love and care about you...and even the banks and utility companies that have done everything in their power to "work with you, given your circumstances"...the ones that have so graciously helped you in any/every way possible...they start getting tapped out...and you start feeling like a greater imposition, than when they first started helping you. And you start to see the effects of them and your children "going without". And don't even get me started about when and how Uncle Sam doesn't give a rats ass if you can't pay your income tax and/or personal property taxes.

Yes, that's right...you and I may very well live in the same United States, but we also live in two completely different worlds.

In the real world, when one is not a celebrity and/or doesn't have a million plus dollars in one's bank account...Insurance companies, Social Security, etc... tend to string people along and deny anything/everything for as long as humanly possible... banking on one's death, so as to never have to help at all.
In the real world, Uncle Sam and debt collector's work solely to spare people from a long, drawn out, painful death due to cancer or any/all other diseases...so that they can bleed you dry quickly instead.

Don't get me wrong...there is and always will be a part of us, that is thankful and grateful to still be alive and to still be a part of the lives of the people we love and care about and that love and care about/for us.

However, unbeknownst to you...
It gets harder and harder with every passing day, to be grateful for still being alive in a world that's seemingly falling down all around you and more importantly, falling down around your children and the others you love.
It's no easy task to hang on to the will to live, when one isn't really living. Not living normally, so to speak.
It's difficult, to spend day after day in great pain, sick and exhausted from being sick and in pain and worrying about one's health that may or may not be monitored because of financial restraints.
Add to that, the worry about every day financial issues and you have someone that's favorite part of the day to look forward to... is sleeping, because often times...that's the only ''peace" they know. Then when one actually gets in bed to go to sleep, a small part of them hopes and wishes that they don't in fact wake up the next day because they know it will be yet another day filled with pain, sickness, worry and disappointment.

Now compound all of the above with the feeling of guilt. The guilt that one feels because they know there are still people in the world that have it worse than they do, so they feel like they shouldn't even have any thoughts of complaining, let alone actually complaining. The guilty feeling that even though they know they are not materialistic in way, shape or form...life has made it abundantly clear that money is exactly what it takes to alleviate a majority of life's problems, difficulties, issues and worries. The guilty feeling that yes, there are days when one can double up on their meds and have good days...and live somewhat normally by going out and about, or to special occasions and family gatherings...and there are also still all of the "little things" in life that make us smile or laugh on a daily basis...but the "good" days are few and far between compared to the typical 'everyday' that is filled with sickness, pain, stress and worry.

Now top all of that off with the sprinkle of fear. Fear that things will never be normal again. Fear that one will never be able to financially recover from this journey that "it's all about." Fear about how the effects of being financially ruined will affect one's children, their well-being and their college education. Fear about how long it will adversely affect one's children in the long run in general. The fear that life is simultaneously standing still and flying by all at the same time. Fear about feeling like your holding others back and/or dragging them down with you. Fear about coming to terms with that little piece of you that believes that everyone just might be better off without you and all of the baggage that comes with you period.
The fear about 'what if'. What if things do get better or start to get better and the Big C rears it's ugly head again. What then?

There's no easy answer to "What then?"...but I can assure you that whatever the answer may be in your world Ms. Anchorwoman...it will be a drastically different answer and pale in comparison to the answer that awaits those of us in the real world.

2008-09-13T22:58:00.000-05:00

"The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next."
-Ursula K. LeGuin

I hate uncertainty.

So, short story...
Took forever to get into my doctor's in Dubai. Once I was able to do so, they switched some of my meds. Said meds made me really, really sick. So sick, that I ended up in the hospital due to severe dehydration. During this time, my visit visa expired.

Used to be that people would take a day trip to Kisch Island, return to Dubai and renew their visit visa while waiting for a residence visa. As of August 1st, the law changed, requiring people to return to their country of origin. Hence, the reason I'm back in the states.
Upon arriving back in the states, I went from the airport to a hospital for dehydration again.

Feeling better now, back on my most of meds.
No definite date of when I will return to Dubai. Might be December at the latest. A's g-d I hope not that long.

Although we Skype as often as possible, I miss TheRammerHammer and the boys and MobyLover something fierce.
Friends are keeping me busy, having fun when we can...I feel very lucky and grateful to have so many people care about me.
Thanks for all the kind thoughts!

Hope all is well with everyone:)

2008-08-21T09:59:00.001-05:00

"You can't pay enough money to...cure that feeling of being broken and confused."
~ Winona Ryder

Due to visa problems and health issues, I'm back in the states.
Some wonderful friends have opened up their home to me and I know that the words "thank you" will never be enough.

Although it's great to be able to come back and see all the people and animals that I dearly love and missed...
The words "broken and confused" don't even begin to describe how I feel.

Probably won't be blogging much after this.
I'm numb and for the first time in my life...at a loss for words.

2008-08-01T21:17:00.004-05:00

"Depression: Some say it's 'anger turned inward'. For me, it's always been a 'silent scream outward."

Know what the difference between not wanting children/any more children is and not being able to have/have anymore children is?
Depression.
That's what.

Doctor's appointment went as per usual.
Tests came back okay.
Prescriptions turned out to be tricky, but got straightened out in the end.
Sorry I haven't posted since then. I know some of you were worried and I did get a couple of your emails asking as much back then...but I've been down.
I've only been near the computer a couple of times since then, to speak with Daisy.
Otherwise...that's it.
Haven't been in the mood to speak with people.
Not sleeping well, to say the least and lot's of crazy thoughts going 'round and 'round my head these days.

The kid thing has me bummed out. To say the least.
I know it's irrational, but I've been racking my brain, trying to figure out what to hell it was that I must have done in my past, that has made me deserve everything that's happened since being diagnosed on June 10, 2005.
I've considered myself to be a pretty good person.
I'm honest. Almost to a fault.
I try to always do the right thing.
I may think bad thoughts from time to time, but I keep 'Evil Peggy' at bay and never act upon the aforemention bad thoughts and usually just wish a bad case of butt acne on people instead of whatever bad thought I had in my head.
Thought I was a pretty darn good parent to boot.
My kid has had her up's and down's, as all kids do.
But, she's honest...sometimes to a fault. She's fair and compassionate. And I believe that she is and always will be a contributing member of society.

Yet here I sit, not allowed to have anymore.
And some young, or old twit, whichever, is sitting somewhere right now, having her third or fourth one...not because she wants the kid...nope...because she wants the welfare check.
Yep...that's one of my bad thoughts.
And then I think...who am I kidding? Besides myself, of course.
What was I thinking?
Wanting more children?!?!
I haven't been able to 100% take care of myself since being diagnosed.
I'm 39 years old now and I still can't take care of myself.
In addition to not being able to take care of myself...there are some days when I can't even get out of bed. And I literally wouldn't...if R wasn't here to help me out and help me around or just scoop me up and put me where I need to be.
There are some nights, when I literally sit at or lay next to the toilet all night long.
And *I* wanted more children?
What a fool am I.
I feel like the pregnancy back in October of last year...the one that beat all the odds...when I was supposed to be in menopause and unable to even get pregnant...
Yeah.
That was just a carrot...a carrot, dangled in front of my face.
One to give me hope...just to be squashed when it didn't come to fruitation so quickly, so to speak.
And to make matters even worse...here I now sit, grieving for a child that never will be.
You know...one that doesn't exist now and never will.
What a fool am I, indeed.

And to take it one step further...riddle me this... if you think you can.
And think long and hard about your answer...because right off the bat...I know by instinct what your first instinctive answer will be.
But give it some thought...think about if *you* were really in the same situation, what would your answer be???

They say real love is being with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with...in good times and bad...in sickness and health...for richer and for poorer and yada, yada, yada.

But what about if the bad times are because of you...your bad health...a bad health that costs gobs and gobs of money? Money that's theoretically taken away from your children? Money that they could use now or may need in the future?

Is real love staying with the person that's decided to stay with you in the bad times, your bad sickness...that causes the poorer instead of the richer times to be often if not always?
Even though you know that if the roles were reversed...you'd stay with them and take care of them, in the bad times and sick times...no matter the cost...etc, etc.
Or is real love, on your part, being the sick one, costing gobs and gobs of money...really being strong enough, to be able to walk away...and spare that person, and your children... the burden of it all?

2008-07-05T05:27:00.004-05:00

"My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad."
~ T.S. Eliot

So...I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.
Blech.

I don't know what sucks more...
The anticipation of a doctor's appointment or the waiting for results afterwards.

I've probably written about this before on my blog.
If I have...and you're bored with it...here's your fries, please drive thru.

First and foremost, you try to stay positive.
And everyone tells you to be positive.
Stay positive.
Blah, blah, blah.

It's easier said than done.
And I don't mean to sound like a bitch...but it's really easy to say when you haven't been given a life-long pass as a club member.
I know...people are just trying to be supportive.
Which is why I always just nod and say"Thank you, I am."

Truth be told, you can be positive until you're pooping positivity right out your ass...but there's always that little back corner of your mind that's wondering, 'Hmmm, wonder if I'll be doing chemo in a week or two?'
And it sucks.
Ass.
And it's not like the wondering stops.
To coin one of my favorite quotes E.V.E.R.:
"Like 7-11. They're not always doin' business...but they're always open."
Yep.
That's what the wondering is like.
At least it is for me.
Thus far.

Ya can't call yourself a survivor until the 5 year mark.
TheRammerHammer had me laughing so much...that I missed my 3 year diagnosis anniversary back in June.
Something cancer re-lated came up a couple of days later which reminded me.

I mean it's not like you really, really are able to totally forget.
At least I'm not.
Because I'm still fighting the urge to not be the normal that I used to be.
The old me.

Which I know only proves that I'm crazy.
Because it's pointless to fight.
I'm reminded in a dozen different ways every, single day that I'll never be her again.
The pain.
The nasuea and puking.
The swelling-neuropathy hands and feet.
The short term memory.
The wrinkles I shouldn't have yet damnit!!!!
The nasty metal taste still in my mouth.

Everyday I wake up, I wonder when or if it will ever end.
Some of my card carrying friends have told me it takes time, some have said that it depends on the type of chemo one has and some say it hasn't ever ended for them.

I think I would be okay...not great...but okay if it was some kind of trade-off.
I'd be willing take all of the above if I knew I wouldn't have the stress and worry about impending doctor appointments and the anxeity of waiting for test results afterwards ever again.
Ya know? If I could just get a guar-an-tee that it would never, ever come back again.

And then I feel like a schmuck for complaing about my complaints out loud.
When others I know are actually going through it all over again already.

Which leads to the other back, dark corner of my mind that wonders, 'Is one ever truly able to let down their guard at some point?"

I fear that answer.

So for now..."My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad."
Sigh.

I hope everyone is well and nerve free.

P.S. ~ Ladies...if 'tough love' doesn't work with your man...try 'tuft love'.
Heh heh.

2008-07-03T15:36:00.015-05:00

"To dare every day to be irreverent and bold. To dare to preserve the randomness of mind, which in children produces strange and wonderful new thoughts and forms. To continually scramble the familiar and bring the old into new juxtaposition."
~ Gordon Webber

Okay...yeah...so the point of the quote is that this post is going to be loooonnnng...and full of randomness.
So grab a cup of coffee and get comfortable.
Oh...and you might wanna keep some wet-wipes handy...either that or don't take a sip of coffee prior to reading my Dumb-Ass-Medicine-Move-Of-The-Day.
Comprende'?
Good.

So, when I thought about this post, I originally thought I would begin with the good news about my first International Rescue/Foster Kitty...and about what a wonderful, little kitty he is...
This is Neo:

He's about a year old. Beautiful, shiny, healthy coat of fur. He was very afraid and confused the first few days and hid under the couch, coming out at night to eat and go potty.
Since I'm up and down at all hours of the night on most nights, I began to sit on the couch and 'meow', or in his case, "Mow-Mow" back and forth with him for 10-15 minutes at a time before going back to bed...thus winning his trust that I'm actually a safe, okay human that meant him no harm.
On third day, he finally ventured onto my lap and we had a good petting/purring session. (Him...not me...that comes later. Heh heh.)
Anyhoo, I quickly determined that he's essentially a lapcat...trapped in a scaredy cats body.
Hopefully, I can break him of this.
But, yeah....he's cute...loving...playful:

He figured out that Moby is a cool dog and also means him no harm:

Yep...all was going well...in fact...it couldn't have been going better...
Until this:

Go ahead...click on the next one to enlarge it and take a look at allllllll the tiny little specks on the tile:

I had already cleaned the kitchen floor, which was COVERED, and then thought of the camera...but the hallway was still a helluva mess...yes...the mess continued well into the hallway and to the front door.
Yeah. Those little specks...are chocolate cake.
Apparently, he doesn't like to eat chocolate cake at midnight...but he likes to counter-surf and knock it to the floor.... and then have a rousing game of soccer, wherein he plays every conceivable position, thus whittling the cake down to mere crumbs.
Luckily...the MobyLover was locked in the bedroom with us, thus insuring his innocence from conspiracy and/or from being framed by the cat of course.
Little schmuck. It's a good thing I love cats and rescuing them at all hours of the day. Particularly, at 6am in the morning...when chocolate-soccer-cake-games come to an end.

Next up...remember this picture from when I visited TheRammerHammer back in December?

Yeah...well...I found the perfect food product to accompany it:

Yep. Horlicks.
Now if you're like me...and I know that some of you sick-minded readers out there are...BeejcoughSamcoughHilcoughJeanne...you instantly wondered...well, what do Hor(s)lick here in the Middle East.
Alas...wonder no more...I found the answer to that question, the very same night...
Hor(s)lick...Hairy Balls of course:

Yeah. A platter of Hairy Balls.
I can't say, "I thought I'd never see the day"...because it's just...unimaginable to begin with.
Okay...so they aren't really Hairy Balls...they're actually an Indian fruit of some sort.
The kids saw them and wanted to try them.
Although, once home... they opted for the chocolate-chip treats before bed tonight.
Maybe tomorrow night.
Me...uh...yeah...I don't think so...
The only hairy balls I indulge with are accompanied by a foot long, wrist thick RammerHammerCockThankYouVeryMuch.

Oh yes! This reminds me...
Recently overheard on an elevator:
Woman ~ "Dang it. We forgot to get some KY today, there's hardly any left in the bottle."
Man ~ "Shiiiit...who needs a new bottle of KY? If there's some left in the old bottle...that's what we got the spatula for!"

Alright...alright...I'll tone it down.
There's somethin' good in the water on this side of the world.
See my nails??:

My nails are growing like they have never grown before...even pre-cancer.
My nails have never been this long and strong before in my life.
This is what my nails looked like when I had fake, acrylic nails years ago.
And, since I've been here...none of them have turned black from the chemo side-effects and/or fallen off like they were still doing before I came here!
A sweet bonus indeed.
I dig it. I love them.
TheRammerHammer on the other hand...doesn't not.
Apparently when he sweats/showers/swims in the pool on the roof...he becomes very, very aware of the scratches on his back.
Ooops. Did I say this topic was going to be un-sexual?
My bad. Sorry.

Ah...yes...and now...I present to you...
My DumbAss Medicine Move Of The Day:
(Can't you just hear the trumpets in your head right now???)

See those two bottles? Yeah...one of the is hairspray and one of them is underarm deoderant.
Guess what I did?
Yep...I reached into that there basket, and absent-mindly grabbed the hairspray and used it as underarm deoderant.
But wait...it gets better...it took me I don't know how many minutes to put two and two together as to why my damn arm pits were sticking to my torso.
Yeah. Go ahead...have your good laugh.
Ya schmuck.

And getting back to the topic of elevators...
Often is the time when ya get on an elevator over here and the stench from those that apparently only shower once a year is still lingering, waiting patiently to offend your nose like it's never been offended before.
Seriously...it's not just someone worked out, played 18 holes of golf and drove home in a car with no airconditioning B.O.
It's an unbelievable, someone hasn't-showered-since-310A.D. stench.
What am I getting at you ask?
Well...I stood at the sink the other day, washing dishes, like I do... (not the same day I used the hairspray under my arms)...and kept smelling a hint of that very stench every so often.
And I kept looking around behind me, to see if TheRammerHammer and the boys had come back down from the pool and perhaps I didn't hear them come in the door...
But nay...after a couple of minutes...I realized the stench was coming from me.
And I humbly learned that one can shower...and use two kinds of deoderant (not hairspray)...and smell like vanilla roses when leaving the apartment to take MobyLover on a 15 minute potty-walk...
But 15 minutes, walking in the mid-day sun...in the desert...is enough to give one a faint sunburn and put one in the beginning stages of the haven't-showered-since-310A.D. stench.
Hence...anyone have an awesome deoderant to suggest?

Ohhhh....here's a little one:

The one on the bottom is what the people here consider a spatula.
The one on the top is what normal people...and when I say 'normal'...I mean me... and I use the term loosely of course...consider a spatula.
Took us 1 month, 17 days and I don't know how many different stores in that time-frame to find what I consider a real freakin' spatula.
Made my freakin' month.
What can I say...I'm easy to please.

And if you have any brains at all, you've figured out that the above 'elevator conversation' is a farce.
Fine. I'll come clean.
That conversation was between TheRammerHammer and myself while going to bed the other night.
I love how much he makes me laugh.
I hurt...I puke...and yet, this is the most fun I've ever had in a relationship before.
We're both goofballs and dorks and we say the silliest, goofiest things.
It's nice not to be the only one laughing at my jokes and one-liners...if ya know what I mean?!?!

Well...I can't have such a long, wonderful post without section dedicated solely to a MobyLover...so here's your daily dose of Moby...
This is Moby lounging by the pool on the roof with TheRammerHammer and the boys:

And this is a Moby that's good and ready to go back to the airconditioned apartment 10 minutes later:

Ain't he the most cutest BassetHound! ever in the history of BassetHounds!???
(Um...excuse me...but you did just follow the MyBrandOfCrazy Handbook Rule #247 that states, and I quote: "All readers are indeed permitted to read any/all MobyLover post sections silently, particularly if at work (Beej)...However, upon coming to the printed word of "Hound!", all readers are required to verbally say the word "Hound!" aloud and with a thick German accent."...end quote.
Okay...I thought you did...I was just checkin'. :)

Alrighty then...
Last but not least...
I'm gonna kill two birds with one stone here...
Wait...that's not right...we all know that I would never kill a bird...
But...well...this is about a bird...so I naturally just went there...
And it's about my first-ever-balcony-garden too.
This was the picture from last month when I got my first little starter plants:

And this...this is what they look like 3 1/2 weeks later:

So yeah...they're coming along.
I've only lost one Lantana plant thus far.
I must confess though...I smuggled some Miracle-gro over in my luggage.
I.Heart.Miracle-gro.

You'll also notice in the above picture that I've acquired a little bird house/feeder.
I.Heart.TheRammerHammer.
And The Dove...has claimed it as her own.
Yesterday, she didn't budge when the Schqwauker came 'round.
And the Schqwauker opted to get some water from the bowl and pass on the food for the time being.

Oh! I was wrong...that wasn't the last thing.
TheRammer and I, decided that, "Ken lee...tulibu dibu douchoo"...is going to be our wedding vows to one another.
We think...somehow...it just captures the essence of what is "us".
Go here: http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=ken+leee&search_type=&aq=f
and perhaps you'll see why...

And...to borrow a line from Porky Pig..."Th-th-th-th-that's all folks!"

Hope everyone is well:)

(P.S.: Please excuse any/all spelling/grammatical errors...it's one of those nights...it's currently 3:10am in the morning. Thankyouverymuch...again.)

2008-07-03T12:15:00.002-05:00

"Ability will never catch up with the demand for it."
~ Malcolm Forbes

HeyItsBeej said:
"Ten days. Ten days since your last entry. How am I supposed to give the illusion of performing work-like tasks if you don't give me something to read, huh? ::: smooch :::"

Jeez-Louise...ya demanding lil' wench!
Alright already!
I got a big ol' post coming tomorrow!
With lot's and lot's of pictures!
I promise!
I did send you an email that I think you'll like in the meantime though!

Hugs and Humps:P

Hope everyone is well!

2008-06-23T02:33:00.005-05:00

"You must not know too much or be too precise or scientific about birds and trees and flowers and watercraft; a certain free-margin, and even vagueness - ignorance, credulity - helps your enjoyment of these things."
~ Henry David Thoreau

This is a great quote. Fits me perfectly. I know very little. And what I do know...I tend to forget thanks to the side-effects of my meds. Which means right about now...I'm a happy camper. Because what little I do know, is that when a critter comes alone one day and finds food and water in a particular place...they tend to come back the next day...and make it a daily habit.

This:

...is my first visitor!
A dove to boot! How lucky am I??? Lucky indeed!
Today was her second day visiting. She likes to sit in the flower boxes and watch the traffic below I guess. I would think she'd be on someone else's balcony on the other side of the building where she could watch the other buildings, birds and people, etc. But...I'm not a bird, so what do I know.
Another one has been visiting as well...some kind of crow. He's too quick for me to get the camera to snap a picture though. I've named him Schquawker...because that's what he does. Loudly.Very, very loudly.
And I love it! I love them both and hope they tell all their friends about my balcony.
Yeah. I'm a dork.

This picture is posted for the viewing pleasure of Random:

Random appreciates the wonderfulness that is shoes. And handbags!
These are the shoes I've acquired thus far. Approximately $7 to $10 a pair.
They start out a little pricey. The locals think we're a visitor at first sight...but TheRammerHammer haggles like a pro since he's been here for over ten years.
The neuropathy in my feet and hands has sucked ass lately and my feet have been swelling a lot, so the roomy flats have come in real handy to get around in.
And the handbags, which are actually very well made, were roughly $25 each.
Random...there are literally shoe stores, shops and boutiques at every other store in the malls here...you must come visit shoe heaven sometime!
TheRammerHammer, albeit a great haggler...can also be a schmuck though.
But he's my schmuck...and I love my schmuck!
When I was here in December, he taught me a couple of Arabic phrases...one of them being "Shookron". No clue if I've spelled that right or not...I spelled it phonetically for obvious reasons.
It means 'Thank You'.
Anyhoo...at some point or another...he decided to teach me the Arabic word for women that like, love, worship and live for shoes and shoe shopping.It's: Shookhore.
Yes...as in "Shoe whore".
The sad thing is, I bought it for a good 5 minutes...until he told me it wasn't really an Arabic word.
Then I slugged him in the chest, in the middle of the mall before he had a chance to get away
Yeah. I love my RammerHammer schmuck.

And this is another reason why I love him:

This is the goodness that is Xylocaine. Also known as Lidocaine.
In a pump spray bottle.
It's sold over the counter at Pharmacies here.
Aside from the chemo and numerous pills that have slowly rotted my teeth and various chips that keep chipping away, etc...I clench my teeth in my sleep. No grinding for me. Just good old fashion clenching.
Which is why I woke up the other night at 3am in excruciating pain.
I took a Tramadol.
It did nothing.
I held a cold water bottle to the side of my jaw for an hour.
It did nothing.
I took two vicodin's.
Still nothing.
I hate teeth/mouth pain. It's the kind of pain you just can't get too, if ya know what I mean.
The kind of pain that makes one want to take the whole bottle of pain killers because quite honestly, you don't care if you never wake up again...as long as the fíng pain STOPS!
And then... my loving, most wonderful, most awesomness, with the substantially HUGE cock, RammerHammer Schmuck...remembered the Xylocaine Pump Spray and bolted out of the house at 4am to acquire some for me.
This is the stuff the dentists in the states inject into your gums when working on your teeth.
I heart the pharmacies and the laws that decide what is OTC here and what is not.
And I really heart my RammerHammer Schmuck!

Hope everyone is well and pain free!:)

2008-06-17T06:14:00.005-05:00

"If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas."
~ George Bernard Shaw

So here's an idea for ya...
Run...don't walk...to your nearest grocery store produce department and find that which I have discovered is the goodness of the Fuji Apple.

I do not know whether or not these apples are sold in the states, as the only time I was ever in the produce department was to buy mushrooms, potatoes and lettuce to have on steak-it nights or to buy veggies for the chickens.
If by chance they aren't sold in the states...than find somewhere on-line where you can order them and have them delivered.
I promise...you will not regret it.
These apples are amazing.
They're...they're...

Well...if they weren't already called Fuji Apples, I'd name them...Oh.Adrienne's.God.Apples.

It didn't give me an orgasm, mind you...but if I was single...it might have come damn close!

Hope everyone is well;)

2008-06-16T05:43:00.003-05:00

"Fifty percent of the women in this country are not having orgasms. If that were true of the male population, it would be declared a national emergency."
~ Margo St. James

Yes...six.
Research shows that 13% of women are multi-orgasmic.
I must be in the top 2% of that 13%.
Last night, around 3am, after 2 untimely, loud text messages arrived, I was blessed with 14 orgasms.

I could have sworn that the subject of me being multi-orgasmic, had already been previously covered.
Perhaps it was on the old blog...I can't remember, but once I figure out how to transfer over the archives, if it's that important to anyone...have at it.

But, yes...I am.
Always have been.
Although admittedly, I've never been this multi-multi-orgasmic before in my life.
I attribute it to never...E.V.E.R. having been cared about and loved, the way TheRammerHammer cares about and loves me and visa-versa.
Oh...and the Schwanschtooker being foot long and wrist thick, probably has something to do with it as well.
TheRammerHammer is quite pleased...with me and himself, of course.
Apparently, he's not had any women with the "inner-plumbing", as he puts it, that I'm equipped with.
In other words...he's freakin' huge but he doesn't hurt me in any way, shape or form.

I can typically have anywhere from 10 to 30 orgasms per sex-capade...depending on whether it's a quickie or a mulligan.
Which is probably why I'm more like a man when it comes to sex, than most women.
I like it, I love it and I can't get enough of it.
Not to mention, it's on my mind 24/7.
Even TheRammerHammer can't sometimes believe how much more I think about it and vocalize it more than him!
Most of my meds have warnings about the side-effects negatively affecting one's sex drive.
I'm happy to report that that's one side-effect that hasn't affected me at all.
I think nothing short of sewing me up, would ever be able to stop my drive.
Granted...I've been in bad relationships, where 'our' (and I use the word 'our' very loosely) sex life diminished greatly...but it didn't stop my sex drive and Coco filled in willingly and quite nicely during those times.
Although at this particular time...my nether regions are currently saying, "Coco? Who to hell is Coco?"
Heh heh.

So, we're going for a personal record sometime this summer of 100 orgasms in a 24 hour period.
We tried once already.
Made it to 82 and then ran out of time.
It was that damn three hour afternoon nap that robbed us!
Which reminds me...I was supposed to blog and warn other multi-orgasmic people to skip orgasm #53.
This was when one of my orgasms pushed him outta me...which about 'broke him in half' if you get my drift and when I simultaneously got a cramp in my hip.
That was the first time in my life that I ever yelled out, "Sonovabitch- Bad, Bad Orgasm!" during an orgasm/sex.

So yeah...If I had to guess, I'd bet there are a few of you shaking your heads right now and probably even saying, "No freakin' way" out loud.
Yes...way.
And I'm sure some, if not all of the male species...immediately went to the 'she has fake orgasms and he's a sucker' mind-set.
At which point, the only thing I can say is, "Back in high school, TheRammerHammer is the one that gave me the nickname 'Pegglett'...One of the new nickname's he's given me is...Squirt."
Yikes...was that TMI???
Sorry.
Heh heh (again).

On a more serious note, if I ever became one of the women not in the 13% mentioned above...I'd slit my wrists in short order. Eeeeek...I don't even like to think about that, let alone actually see it in writing!

Hope everyone is well...and multi-orgasmic;)

P.S. ~ With all this sex talk...I can't help but wonder and yell..."WHERE TO HELL DID YOU GO BUNNY AND EARLY?!?!?!?" :(

2008-06-15T05:18:00.002-05:00

"Between saying and doing, many a pair of shoes is worn out."
~ Iris Murdoch

Yesterday, TheRammerHammer came home from a two day trip.
Which is why I doubled up my meds...
We left the house at 5pm, in search of chicken wings for me.
Four hours later, I procured the chicken, a hair straightner, two handbags, a pair of shoes and six orgasms in the back seat of the car.

It was a very good day in Dubai.

Hope everyone is well:)

2008-06-13T03:17:00.012-05:00

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."
~ Mark Twain

I like TheRammerHammer's theory much better.
He says they're not laugh lines and crows feet...they're multiple-orgasm lines.
Yeah baby.
Much, much better.

Staying on topic, it is safe for us to say that pool sex is not how it always looks in the movies. Especially when one(s) get busted. heh heh.
We've also determined that a 'naked break' doesn't necessarily mean that clothed people disrobe for awhile...it can also mean that it's time to take a break from being naked, in order to make a grocery store food run.

Next up...these crappy things, that I'm an un-willing slave to...

Are going to spawn what may become a daily edition to my posts called Dumb Ass Medicine Move of the Day.
If I recall correctly, I was going to do this a few years ago when I didn't read the directions on the hair removal lotion...
Anyhoo, yeah, the other day I washed the bedding. Took the fitted sheet and pillow cases off, as well as the duvet cover off the comforter. Then I spread the comforter back out on the bed, in case a Moby wanted to get back up on the bed to nap. Yeah. When the laundry was all done, I ignored the nicely, spread out comforter on the bed and put the fitted sheet right on top of it. The kicker is...took me at least a good five minutes to figure it out. I had no idea what I'd done with the dang comforter. Thought I was going crazy. Nope ...just turns out that I'm a moron now. Oy.
Then there was the night that I made a huge thing of pasta...so that I could just heat it up in the microwave when I got hungry because usually if I'm hungry and I have to actually cook something, I get sick from the smell by the time it's done cooking and I can't eat. Yeah...I made a whole thing of pasta and then promptly left it on the counter overnight to spoil.
Go me. @@.
I can't count how many times I grab the shampoo or the conditioner instead of the one I really want when showering...doesn't sound like much right? But they're two different brands and colors...how many times can one idjit make the same mistake? The count is still on...I'll get back to ya.

Today's edition of 'Why I Love TheRammerHammer' is:
(And yes...I mean aside from the multiple-orgasm lines!)
Because unlike most men (no offense), he has an incredible memory.
Most of you won't get or understand what I'm about to write...but a few of you will giggle.
I told him a story last year when he came to visit me in MO.
The other day, I realized I was running out of one of my favorite products and asked him, "Do you think they sell Bert Bees anywhere here?"
His reply was, "You mean Bert Bees Cha-Cha-Cha?"

Oh...and I love how when he reads the boys their bed time story, he reads the title of the book, the author and then the book.
The author?!?!
Who does that?
He does.

And these are the pretty flowers he got me for my balcony garden:

My first Hibiscus:

I only know the one on the far right is Lantana, the other's, I'm still working on:

What else...oh...yeah...I'm gonna throw in a weekly ditty about a new product I've discovered, and/or a similar one that might somehow be a little different.
Like this: We may have lighter fluid in the states...but here, they have:

And the sodas still have the old pull tops on them.
Oh...and Pringle's, for some odd reason, are waaaaayyy thicker here.
Riddle me that!

Also...for those not in the know...
You'll notice similar posts on my MySpace...this is so I can keep my close family up-dated.
This here blog is the one that I let loose on...A.K.A. - the one they don't know about.
Which is why I privatized the BBM blog and switched to this one.
I'd love to switch over the archives...but I don't know how to do that:(

Hope everyone is well;)

2008-06-08T01:27:00.004-05:00

"If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will."
~ Anonymous

So, TheRammerHammer and I are walking through a store in the mall yesterday and we're talking and giggling, (probably about something having to do with sex of course), and a young lady we pass, stops and asks if we're from the states. We reply, "yes" and ask if she is as well. Turns out, she's from Florida. So, we inquire as to where in Florida, and she replies, "Miami." Which is damn near to our old stomping grounds, so we inquire, where in Miami...and she responds with, "Well, not so much Miami, as Pembroke Pines." Which is essentially, our old stomping grounds.
Which begs the question...what are the odds of being half way around the world and meeting someone from your neck-of-the-woods?
Up until yesterday, I'd have not bet any money on that one.
Today...she has a picture to prove it...damned if we can remember her name though!
I've got plenty of meds, that mess with my short-term memory...TheRammerHammer...well, according to him...he's old.
So, we're hoping she visits my blog and refreshes our memories!

The post-a-day deal...fell through.
Not through any fault of my own, mind you.
The computer/internet was down for a day or two.
Me?
I've got my little notebook choc' full o' things to blog about.
Much, too much for one sitting.
I mean, I'd be willing...but you'd probably get bored halfway through reading it.
Except the parts about sex of course.
I know how you are Beej and I can't believe you would ask such a silly typo question of me!!!!
As they say here, "Tsk!Tsk!"

Hence, without further adieu...the rest of this post, will totally be about ...a MobyLover!

Moby is doing quite well. His sleeping scheduling didn't seem to be disrupted at all. Of course, that has a lot to do with the fact that he's a freakin' lazy ass BassetHound!
On a side note...did ya do it??? Did you say the word 'hound' with a thick German accent?
Yes...I know you did RammerHammer...I was referring to everyone else.
Well, all three of them, specifically.
I say that, because although my sitemeter shows the visits of the usual everyone...only one of you has changed your side bar from BBM...to MBOC.
Which means, most of you people are as lazy as a BassetHound!
See? Didn't that sound much better in your head?
I know!!!
If you still didn't do it...get with the program man...it's just not the same if you don't.
Trust me on this one.
Anyhoo...yeah...aside from his Em-Basset-or of Good Will duties, he keeps much the same schedule as he did in the states: Eat. Sleep. Get treats. Sleep. Scarf up dropped food. Sleep. Get lot's of love and attention. Sleep. Weekly bath. Sleep. Walk. Sleep. Poop. Sleep.
Not necessarily in that order.
Although, for a time...he absolutely refused to poop whenever I took him for a walk. He would patiently wait until the RammerHammer got home from work to walk him.
Turns out...he goes to a V.I.P. section of sand...the one for Very Important Pooper's.
Oh...and he prefers an audience of passing cars and/or workers to be watching...don't ask...I have no idea.
Perhaps it's the extra attention he's lacking.
Ron seems to think that whenever my pills kick in and we get busy...gettin' busy...(yes, that means SEX Beej!)...he jumps down from the bed as if to sigh loudly and groan in an Eeyore like manner...as if to say, "Damn these two...I'm in hedonistic hell."...and then quickly retreats to the couch in the living room until he hears that we're done.
Which, I suppose, is better than sitting there staring, like some dogs do.
However, if memory serves, and sometimes it does...I believe he has slept through it once or twice as well.
Yeah...a voyeur...he's not.
He's more the likes-to-be-watched kind apparently.
Having said that...

This is an unhappy Moby, wondering what to hell is up with the new weekly bath deal.

This is a happy Moby, being read bed-time stories about puppies!

And this...well...this is an unsuspecting Moby with a piece of pasta on his butt.

There.
You've had your daily dose of Moby.
Don'tcha feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
Hope everyone is well;)

2008-06-03T04:23:00.002-05:00

"We come from the earth, we return to the earth, and in between we garden."
~ Anonymous

I'll have to wait until TheRammerHammer gets home, to find where he keeps the camera cord, so I can post some pictures...'cause I have some pictures to post!

TheRammerHammer took me to a nursery yesterday afternoon and bought me some plants. I thought I was going to have an orgasm when we walked in the door. The smells, the colors and the textures! Whoo-hoo-woo-hoo-hoo!
So, aside from the seeds I planted, I already have my little starter balcony garden. Purdy pinks, yellows and red!

Another thing I don't like about Nanny's. When the kids are off at school...ya still can't run around nekkid. Hmmph.

Finally found some sourcream! Yay!

Being woken up in the night...by an alarm cock...is supposedly a good thing.
I'll confirm eventually.

Hope everyone is well;)

2008-06-02T05:35:00.004-05:00

To forget how to dig the earth and to tend the soil is to forget ourselves.
~ Mohandas K. Gandhi

Which is why today...I planted.
Six potted planters and 8 different packages of seeds.
Soon...okay, so not that soon...but eventually, I will see some green.
And purple. And pink. And orange and yellow and red and I'm so excited!!!
The waiting is the hardest part.
Sigh.
But damn it felt good.
The soil and moss between my fingers.
The smell.
Good indeed.

Some girls want big, expensive, fancy cars, houses, clothes and jewelry...
Me?
I just want Daisy here, and my other dog here, a new cat (since none of the old cats would have been able to survive the trip-sniffle, sniffle-can't go there right now), plants and flowers and a beer every now and then to help me sleep.
Yeah. I'm a cheap date, broad, whathaveyou.

More randumbness:

So, the Ex requires the Nanny...I'll let you figure out why on your own.
TheRammerHammer and I do not...you know...because we're adults and attentive parents.
However, TheRammerHammer is obligated to pay half for the Nanny until the end of November and rather than leave the poor woman at the Ex's house when the kids are here, to be at the Ex's beck-and-call...just didn't seem very fair to the poor, sweet woman.
So she's here and she's not just a Nanny. She helps around the house as well. Doing dishes, laundry and cleaning.
I've never had the experience of having neither a maid nor a Nanny. So, she and I have a friendly, little, unspoken competition. Okay...I have one...I don't think she has a clue because she's just that innocent and sweet.
It doesn't feel right to have her do things...and specifically do things for me.
I'm here and even on my bad days, I'm perfectly capable of washing my dish or two.
On my good days...I'm perfectly capable of washing any/all of the dishes that TheRammerHammer, myself or the boys use.
I can throw loads of laundry in and hang them out to dry.
I can sweep and I can dust.
So the competition is that on my good days...TheRammerHammer or I make the meals for us all, and when the pots and pans and untinsels are left in the sink while we're eating, she sneaks out into the kitchen and washes them. So, I either clear the plates or ask TheRammerHammer and the boys to, bringing me the dishes so that I can wash them, and she doesn't have to.
If she throws a load of laundry in without me seeing, but I hear the machine running...I wait patiently and beat her to it, to hang them out to dry.
I know it sounds silly...but I know and have seen first hand what an unclean person the Ex is...so I know the Nanny works her fingers to the bone at the other apartment.
I feel a little bad that we'll be letting her go in November, leaving her to fend for herself 24/7 over there.
The upside of not having her here eventually though, is that .she'll stop putting things where she wants them or thinks they should go, after I've put them where I want them or think they should go for the third or fourth time.
Definitely not used to, nor do I think I would ever get used to, having that go on in my household! LOL.

Moving stuff...another hot topic:
They don't have traditional moving trucks here...no Hertz, no U-hauls, etc.
And very few people own trucks period.
Lot's of little SUV's...and locals with regular trucks that sit on the side of the road just waiting for people to pull over and hire them to move something...but that's not what this little bit is about.
When moving your belongings from one place to another here, you can pile gobs and gobs of said belongings out into the hallway and out in front of the apartment building itself and leave it all there, while you travel back and forth, for however long...and you don't have to worry at all, about anything being stolen or rummaged through. At all. People just respect what is their's and what isn't here. Amazing concept. One I don't think I've ever witnessed in my life until now.

An un-hot topic:
Who knew I shoulda packed my freakin'-frackin' long sleeve shirts when moving to the desert??
Not me.
Me? I packed short sleeve shirts, tank-tops and some pretty halter tops.
However, it's so freakin' hot outside that everyone here sets their air conditioning units to Arctic.
So, everywhere I go here...you know...in the desert...I freakin' freeze.

City life is taking some getting used to.
I miss the sound of the crickets (all of them in the distance, not just one under the bedroom window), the birds, the horses, the wind in the tree's, etc.
There are birds here, though not many...yet. I'm hoping my balcony garden and a well placed bird feeder will change that.
But they are building a city here. Yes...not just a couple of buildings here and there...a whole city...at once...at fast as possible.
They work 'round the clock here, three shifts.
Yes, there are some things they aren't permitted to do between certain sleeping hours, but they do what they can with the time they have...and it doesn't mean that some companies don't push the boundaries and try to get away with doing noisy things at all hours of the day and night.
Now, I hear the sound of cars, and banging, and trucks backing up, and sirens, etc.
I remember city life...I lived in Fort Lauderdale and Miami.
But in the Osmond's famous words...I'm a little bit country and a little big rock-n-roll.
It may take awhile, but I'll merge the two here, just like I have everywhere else.
For now...that beer to help me sleep would be very welcome tonight around 9pm, mmmkay?
Thankyouverymuch.

I've had a few emails about TV here and what's available.
The answer...anything and everything.
They have basic cable here and premium cable as well.
We have basic...lot's of channels from other countries, in each countries respective language.
What I find amusing is that (for us anyhoo) there are 3-4 American/english channels.
One in particular is called MBC...on it, at any given time, are American TV shows from CBS, NBC and ABC. Made me giggle when I first figured it out. All the 'rating rivalry' in the states for each individual channel and here...they're all on one channel.
As for the shows...the only thing I see missing is Soap-Opera's...with the exception of one, but I don't know the name of which one it is and haven't been able to catch the beginning to find out.
Otherwise...they've got Idol, Amazing Race, Without A Trace, Bones, House, Shark, Numbers, Las Vegas, and various others.
Basically, TheRammerHammer says the only restriction(s) they really put on American television here is anything with Homosexual overtones (so no Will & Grace, dang it) and shows with a lot of sexual overtones and/or almost nude/nude people on them (which is why I'm guessing there is no Survivor or Two And A Half Men...thank goodness for the internet and message boards as far as Survivor goes! TAAHM, I can also live with out Sean! LOL.)
The funny thing is, that there are plenty of gay men and lesbians here...they aren't overly affectionate in public, but then again, nobody really is. People hold hands, walk with arms around one another and kiss affectionately...just no going overboard...so one hopes (read: me) that they will eventually discover the funniness that is Will & Grace...and Jack & Karen.

Let's see what else...
I don't know what homosexuality and/or sexual content or lack there of, have to do with sourcream...but it's impossible to find here.
Although the search is not over and I'm not giving up, dagnabit.

Oh and lastyly...I spoke to soon!
I finished a difficult Soduko last night for the first time ever.
I just may frame that sucker, as it might not ever happen again!
Okay...that's it for now...time to walk a Moby...he's been a patient, patient puppy.
Hope everyone is well;)

2008-06-01T06:03:00.009-05:00

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.
~ Anais Nin

And some of us, are made up of crazy.
Some of us...have our own little demons, carrying around bags full of crazy to sell.
Okay...to be more specific than "some of us"...I'm talking about me here.
As if you didn't know.

And then are people like TheRammerHammer.
Amazing.
Not only has he carried me to and from the vomit room/bedroom.
He's rubbed my back and arms and legs when the pills haven't helped the aching.
He's let me sleep, when I needed to sleep, no matter what the hour of day.
And when I've woke up at various mid-night hours/or been unable to sleep altogether...and cried (read that as sobbed like a little girl) about missing Daisy or my zoo or my friends and family...he's held me and listened and soothed me...even though it left him with vey little sleep and an early alarm for school the next day.
He's obliged my whims of what-kinda-sounds-like-it-might-taste-good run(s) to the grocery store...and not batted an eye, when I had a little bit and then immediately turned away for fear that even glancing at it, let alone taking another bite, might make me puke.
He's walked a Moby, fed a Moby and played with a Moby...whenever I've been in bed and unable to.
And most importantly...he's fed my soul and lightened the weight of my heart more in the past three weeks, than any man has ever done in my entire life.
I'm baffled and lucky and thankful that he's not only willing to put up with my brand of crazy, but wants to help exorcise my demons and help me work through things that realisitcally, I should have been able to work through myself in the past 39 years and most certainly would have been more fair to him, if I'd had.
The man, is truly amazing.
I love you RammerHammer.
Far more than I ever thought and/or felt possible.

Soooo....
The RammerHammer has been telling me to write and write and write, since he came back into my life last year...and I have...sporadically on my blog here.
I'm hoping to change that.
Here on my blog anyhoo.
I'm going to try to commit to a post-a-day.
Not much to do, now that things are somewhat settled finally, so it just might be doable!

I'll begin with a long-winded randomness, since there is a lot to catch up on.
Plus, I've just been scribbling random things down on little pieces of paper, here and there that I I knew I'd want to blog about but would forget if I didn't scribble them down.
Ready?
Good.

When the RammerHammer and his Ex (I'll come up with a nifty nick-name for her eventually) first split...they did things in a more unconventional way than is the norm.
Instead of them each getting a separate apartment and having the kids bounce back and forth...they got two apartments, one where the children would stay full time and one that they could bounce back and forth from on a weekly basis.
There was a study done in the UK that concluded this was a much better solution to benefit children of separation. With the upheavel of everything else that accompanies separation, a stable home environment, could only help. Not something to be done on a forever basis...but for the first 6 months or more. By that time, apparently, one or both spouses typically are involved with new significant others and the children are more used to the idea of living with each parent separately and it makes the adjustment of them switching back and forth instead of the parents an easier one.
I'd, personally, never heard of it when TheRammerHammer first told me about it, but it sounded like it made perfect sense.
I've since, read studies that both support and are against the theory.
For me... the proof is in the pudding.
The boys seem to be much better off than the children I've seen in the past dealing with a broken home, so to speak.
Anyhoo...we planned on the adults all going back and forth here until after the school year ended and when the boys and the Ex returned from the states in July...at which time we would establish the two separate households and the boys would begin coming back and forth instead.
Yeah. "Planned" was the key word.
That didn't happen.
A week after my arrival...the Ex decided that we should just get it done and over with and begin the process now.
Which meant three days of moving things back and forth from apartment to apartment.
Wait...let me rephrase that:
Which meant *TheRammerHammer and I*, moving things back and forth from apartment to apartment.
Because, ya see it was her week with the boys at the apartment she would be permanently living in now and even though the nanny is a live-in, she (the Ex) of course, was unable to participate.
Hence...TheRammerHammer worked his ass off and I doubled up on my meds for three days and did the same.
That...was the other things I was talking about in the previous post.
Much too long to get into and a simple explanation just wouldn't have cut it.
And I paid the price of laying in bed and wishing I would just fall asleep and not wake up for a week at the very least immediately following those three days.
But TheRammerHammer took very, very good care of me and I'm somewhat recovered now.
And it's our week with the boys, here at the new apartment and things are going smoothly thus far.
Everyone loves Moby. Well, almost everyone, but I'll get into that in a moment.
Suffice it to say that everyone in this apartment and on our floor, loves Moby and Moby loves all of them!
He especially loves the accumulative and copious amounts of foods that little boys tend to drop on accident/purpose.
And if I had to guess, I'd say that he also currently loves not having to compete with taller dogs when such food is dropped and/or thrown in the puppy's general direction! Not too mention the one-on-one attention that he's being utterly spolied by and with!

Now...I give you the goofy randomness:

Blowjob Bridge was re-christened. Did you expect that it wouldn't be? Silly!
And there is now what will be known as a "Double Fist Pump The Nuts Overpass" added to the map.

Thanks to the folks that work for the TSA, which I recently found out really stands for "Thousands Standing Around", two of my four suitcases were rummaged through whilest traveling and some of my things were mysteriously missing upon my arrival here.
TheRammerHammer...got quite the kick out of and imagined the perplexed looks on the TSA's faces, regarding some of the various things I brought with me here.
Things like...a box of important Christmas ornaments, some of my favorite cooking utensils, a can of baking powder (because all I could find here last December was baking soda), a bottle of Red Creek Marinade, my favorite pair of needle-nose pliars that I've owned since I moved out when I was 16, lot's of lingerie', three freezer bags of my meds, a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch, Hemostats to clean Moby's ears, a bag of IV fluids for dehydrated puppies and kitties I plan on rescuing here, some Cattle wormer (which incidentally is one of the things that was missing), my rooster and chicken salt & pepper shakers, Coco of course (although thanks to TheRammerHammer, it may have been pointless to bring him to the other side of the world!)...among others...
Yeah...it was probably the oddest assortment of things the TSA has seen in awhile.
Then again...maybe not.
Sounds like it would actually be an awesome and interesting blog...if anyone reading this happens to work for them...I'm just sayin' is all.

Next up: a recent late night conversation with TheRammerHammer ended with "Damn vertibrates are so inflexible!" Yeah...about made me pee my pants. I love this man and his humor is tailor fit to suit me just fine.

Back to everyone loves Moby.
This isn't entirely true.
Most of the locals...which consists of many, many nationalities...are actually very afraid of Moby.
They jump ten feet up and away, when the elevator doors open and they first realize he's present...and they really freak out when they jump ten feet straight up but there's no 'away' to jump to when they're in the elevator and we're waiting to get on!
They also cross to the other side of the street when we're on his daily walks.
It's quite comical.
Although I did get a woman from Bengladesh to actually pet him in the lobby the other morning.
The language barrier was an issue...but with some hand signs I was able to get her to understand that he just wanted to smell her and not bite her. Now she's in the lobby and wanting to pet him, everyday for his One O'clock walk.
This makes him not only a world traveler now...but also...a Good Will Em-Basset-or!!!
Oh yes.
Somewhere inside of yourself...you knew I would go there.
Thankfully...my brand of humor suits TheRammerHammer to a 'T' as well!
I can only imagine that if these people are scared of little, ol' Moby...okay, fine...a 43lb Basset Hound...they are going to be deathly afraid when the OzzyFozzyWalder arrives!

It's the desert here. Lot's of brown to look at.
I drool when I'm out on the balcony and I see the little garden balcony oasis's's's's around us, although there aren't that many.
TheRammerHammer bought me some planter pots and seeds the other day...so soon, I'll have some green in our little sea of brown. I can't wait!!!

And speaking of balconies...I need some help from city folk.
Frugal city folk.
Very frugal city folk.
Most people send their dirty laundry to be cleaned.
I don't and probably never will.
They have washers here...but not dryers.
Dryers aren't necessary.
You simply hang stuff out on a laundry-hangy-thingy on the balcony and viola! Things are dry within the hour.
'Cause it's the desert and all.
Problem I'm having...even with the liquid Downy...things still turn out pretty stiff.
Too stiff to my liking.
There's only two things I like stiff. Cocks and Tails. Yes. Combined and separate.
Anyone with the soft(er) laundry secrets to spare?
(Crossing fingers!)

Suduko - Daisy taught me how to do this last December for my long flight here. I started doing the one in the local paper each day since my arrival, when I can't sleep at night but I want to be quiet so as not to wake TheRammerHammer. Figured it can only help keep my mind sharp right? Nope. I was wrong. They tend to make me feel more stupid. I've yet to not screw up and finish a difficult one and I absolutely hate when I screw up a super-easy one.

Oh and since I can't find the other paper with the longer scribbled list right now...I'll end with this little doosey:
The Ex gave their nanny...a devout catholic, 40 year old, uber-sweet Fillipino woman...a box of condoms... and then told her she needed to get a boyfriend. And not a new, un-opened box of condoms...a box that she (the Ex) and her boyfriend had bought prior to her going back on the pill. The reason, although she didn't say this part to the nanny...is so that when her (the Ex's) boyfriend A comes to spend the night, the nanny can have somewhere else to go after she puts the boys to bed.
Yeah...it might take a little time to come up with a really, really, really nifty nick-name for this twit.
Ooops. Did I just type that for real?
My bad. I think.

Hope everyone is well;)

2008-05-29T13:47:00.003-05:00

The most successful people are those who are good at plan B.
~ James Yorke

Well...I wouldn't call me successful.
Just good at accepting Plan B's.
Because really, what other choice does one usually have.

Sorry it's taken so long.

Flight was horrible.
Supposed to leave Midwest at 5:30pm on the 14th.
Flight was late, didn't end up leaving until 8:30pm.
Hence my flight arrived 10 minutes after my connecting flight departed.
Was told United in Washington, where my layover was, would put me up in a free hotel for the night since the next flight overseas wasn't until 10:50pm on the 15th.
Of course, what they didn't know, was that the Annual National Police Memorial week was taking place, hence there were no available hotel rooms. Anywhere.
And seeing as how Murphy is my brudda from anudda mudda...
My cell phone was packed in my checked luggage and I couldn't call Marikay, who was there and had a nice, cozy hotel room dagnabit.
So myself, and another guy that was on all the same flights, along with other various travelers got to spend 24 hours at the airport.
Yippie-ki-ay.
A janitor had pity on us at some odd hour and told us that the chairs in the Chapel had no arm rests.
Yep. Me. In a chapel.
And lighting didn't strike.
Slept miserably on and off...but it was better than chairs with armrests.
And thankfully...my traveling friend, Ibraham, who was a 20 year old party animal...was the perfect gentleman.
He totally took good care of me.
Carried around my two 40lb carry-ons. Pushed my wheelchair. Went and got our food and drinks and refused to let me pay.
And finally...the next day around noon...when a hotel room finally opened, but United refused to pay for at that point, he wouldn't let me pay for that either...but willingly gave me the bed and took the couch so that we could catch some decent sleep before having to get back to the airport for our next flight.
We then had a layover in Qatar, his hometown, where I got to meet all of his family (whom I'd spoken on the phone with several times and whom I told had every reason to be very proud of their son!)...and then I almost missed my next connecting flight thanks to their hospitality...
Almost.
So...the jist of it is, a 16 hour flight...took 3 days.
Oy.
So, I'm here...and other things have been going on, and I'm exhausted and have a good day or two, but busy, busy with the other things (which I'll get into next post) and then I'm down for a day or two.
Still having HUGE trouble adjusting my sleep schedule, so that's not helping.
Thanking my lucky stars that Moby is here with me.
Again, sorry it took so long.
Back to bed.
Hope everyone is well;)

2008-05-14T08:16:00.004-05:00

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.
~Lao Tzu

This guy...

The one and only, RolyPolyMoby...probably begs to differ right about now.

He missed his connecting flight and spent the night in Jordan...
But he's there...and he's alive and well and probably very happy to be out of his kennel!
And TheRammerHammer is going to spoil him rotten until I arrive tomorrow night.

I think I've said something about Murphy's Law before, but just in case I haven't...
He and I must be twins, separated at birth.
I'll save the story for next time, but whatever could possibly go wrong while trying to get Moby overseas...went wrong.
I would have been lost, and crushed and mad as hell...without Marikay.
She saved the day several times that day!
Thank you so very, very much Marikay! Hope you are having a blast in DC...except during the sad parts of course!

Now...I must go through the house and just trash stuff without even looking at it.
I leave for the airport at 2pm. The house is quite empty. It echo's something fierce.
Very weird.
Too many thoughts to put into words right now.
I look forward to sitting on the plane for 16+ hours and doing nothing!
Thank you for all the good thoughts and well wishes!

Hope everyone is well;)

2008-05-09T07:43:00.003-05:00

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction."
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Have I mentioned lately, how much I love TheRammerHammer???
Yeah.
Damn I love this man.
I have never felt so loved.
I've never had anyone go to so much trouble to and for me.
I still can't help but feel like I'm going to wake up any minute now.
It still hasn't really, really, really hit me that by this time next week, this house will be empty and I won't see Daisy on a daily basis and I will be living half-way around the world.
Blows my freakin' mind.
I'm excited and scared and happy and sad and it's all exhausting.
I do believe I will sleep almost 18 hours straight again on the flight.
Yesterday, I went to say goodbye to my Vet and all the staff there.
Wasn't easy. I have trusted them without fail, for many years now. It won't be easy to find that again, I know. Even if I was only moving elsewhere in the states...
Most vets are out for money, not for the health of animals.
I also went to pick up my last prescription from my Primary doctor.
That wasn't easy either.
Once I was done with chemo, and the cancer center wasn't making $3000-$4000 a pop off of me anymore and they moved on to the next person...my Primary was the one that returned all my calls, got me in and didn't make me wait a week or more for an appointment when I was bad and answered any/all questions I had. I loved my Primary. She was my age, young at heart but knowledgeable about all things medical (of course!). She took into consideration what I used to d for a living once and trusted my knowledge when I wanted to experiment with new drugs or try something different. She became more than my doctor and became my friend.
I cried like a little girl when I got back to the car.
But we'll keep in touch via email...and hopefully she will come visit someday!

Now...back to TheRammerHammer...
He gets things done. And I'm definitely not used to that!
So...hopefully...if all goes well...and at this point, it looks as if things are going to go smoothly...Moby will fly out this Monday.
He and I will be flying to Chicago in the morning.
Then we will have a Mini-Knottie-Lunch-Meeting with Marikay.
Then I will put him on his International flight and he'll be on his way.
The Arab Airline only has to abide by what the temperature will be at lift off here in the states.
Which won't be over 85 degrees.
The reason they aren't concerned with the temperature over sea's...is because they expect the owner of the animal to be there to pick the animal up when the plane arrives. Hence, no need to worry about the animal being anywhere 'hot' for too long.
He'll still be arriving at night and TheRammerHammer will be there to welcome him.
Granted.
This is like anything else in life...I know there is a chance that he won't survive this trip.
He could get so stressed, that he doesn't make it.
I spoke with TheRammerHammer about this the other day and what I would like to take place if this scenario should happen.
I think I'm typing it now, because I need to see it in writing, to kind of prepare or something.
Not that I will be prepared.
I dunno.
What I do know is that our bond is a solid bond and if I were to leave Moby behind, odds are that he would stop eating, drop weight too quickly and go into kidney failure.
So whether he goes or stays, is a risk to his health and well-being.
I would much rather risk him going (and going quickly) and not making it, then to go without him and hear of him suffering and having to be put down.
It sucks either way.
But I'm banking on and hoping that he will sleep, and make the trip just fine.
I am going to slightly sedate him...just enough to take the edge of anxiety off hopefully.
And that's it. That's the last I'm going to speak of such negativity and not give any more thought or energy to it.
Although, I admit that I probably won't sleep until I know he's there safely.
Oy.

Next on the agenda:
This is what I spent 9 hours doing yesterday:

Used to roughly take me 3-4 hours to make one but my hands are so bad, it took 9 freakin' hours.
The rescue is having a ten year Birthday Celebration a couple of days after I leave. D, one of my closest friends and who is also in the resuce, knows that I always make photo albums for weddings/baby showers and asked if I could make a guest book for people to sign the day of the celebration. We're expecting well over 500 people, having sent out over 1000 invitations to anyone/everyone that has ever adopted an animal from us. There are plenty of volunteers that will also be there, as well as local radio stations and news stations. We've got a huge BBQ planned, a Bouncy Room for kids, kid games, raffles with lot's of prizes, and several area businesses that will be there to donate for the sake of getting in on the free publicity.
C, the gal that started the rescue is currently going through a rough time with some family health issues and I figured I could make a guest book/photo album combo and once the event is over with, the rescue can put pictures from it behind the guestbook pages and present it to C.
It was 9 looooonnnngggg hours... but it was totally worth it.
It will be the last thing I officially get to do for the rescue here.
Sob.
And that I got to do it for C, was the icing on the cake.
C is an incredible, incredible woman.
I've often said that when I grow up, I wanna be just like her.
Plus...it forced me to sit down for 9 hours and not run around here, like a chicken with my head cut off.
No packing, no planning, no worrying.
It was a nice break.

That's it for now...back to the packing, planning and worrying. lol.
Hope everyone is well;)

2008-05-06T06:50:00.004-05:00

"The mode by which the inevitable comes to pass is effort."
~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

They didn't let Moby fly yesterday.
After being passed from person to person to person, again and again and again...as in I seriously have a notebook paper with 37 different Delta phone numbers on it...I told the last woman I spoke with last week that although my issue was getting passed on so much, everyone I had spoken with thus far was being wonderful and kind. Everyone felt badly that they couldn't answer my question or help and had to give me yet another number.

Yeah. I'll be calling Delta back today because of the unprofessional, snarky, snotty bitch that I dealt with yesterday, whom, incidentally, I hope gets the worse case of butt-rash in the history of butt-rashes EVER.
E.V.E.R.

Needless to say, once we got back home and I asked my friends to leave...I was a blubbering mess.
Sometimes I think I must ask for far too much in life to have things like this happen.
I know I shouldn't complain...and really, in my head, I'm not complaining.
It's more like confusion, talking out loud.
One dog.
That's it.
One dog.
That's all I wanted to bring with me right now.
Daisy isn't coming, so I just wanted to bring one of my dang dogs over with me, to love on.
I'm baffled that this is and has become so difficult.
And very, very sad.

2008-05-05T06:39:00.005-05:00

"Anxiety is the space between the "now" and the "then."
~ Richard Abell
"Love and desire are the spirit's wings to great deeds."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

(The purpose of two quotes today, will be explained below.)

The only in-between thing I like in life right now, is Fluffer-nutter sandwiches.
Had a big garage sale this weekend. Man, you just don't realize how much crap you've collected over the years until you have to lug it all in and out each freakin' day.
Not to mention, I'm used to going to garage sales and haggling...not having one.
It's not near as much fun. At all.
Especially when you sell your beloved 19-whoknowswhat Pee-Wee Herman Schwinn.
I've done the Beach Cruisers in Florida and the Mountain Bikes up here.
But nothing... nothing compared to my Schwinn.
I loved my Schwinn.
I bought it for $2 at a garage sale years ago.
It had it's original paint job.
It also had it's original seat. Which wasn't comfortable, by any stretch of the imagination.
But I loved my Schwinn.

I will miss my Schwinn dearly.
But it went to a good home. Someone that will appreciate it...and that makes me happy.
I heart people that heart Schwinn's.
Plus, I profited from my $2 original investment.

Didn't do too bad, sale wise. Made enough so Daisy can get her School Yearbook and a little extra.

I'm a sucker though...I can't let little kids come to my garage sale and walk away empty handed, and I don't want to put the parents, whose current financial status I do not know, in an uncomfortable position, so any wee-one that comes to a garage sale of mine, gets to pick any free toy they want. Children never cease to amaze me. Most of them picked a stuffed animal, and not at the coaxing of their parent either, over the video games and board games and other such toys.

Plus...I had a very young couple come the first day, with their 10 month old baby and the Mom proudly announced how happy she was with the assortment of stuff I had out, because they had just gotten their very first house to rent and all they had was a bed, a crib and a can of paint.

Hence, my Good Deed For Little Warrior! (See below!)

They took home whatever they wanted, at no cost.
And they were good people. They could have hogged and taken much more than they needed...hell they could have taken lot's of stuff and then had their own sale...but they didn't.
They took my dinette, some dishes, pots and pans, some paintings and toys for the baby.
Right before they left, she asked me why I had done it and I told her the story of Little Warrior and asked that pay it forward. She said she would...and I believed her.
I couldn't help but be excited for them. I remember that young-and-just-starting-out-feeling!

All the left-overs, got donated to the people that lost everything in the recent tornado's here.
Speaking of which, we're fine H! Came damn near too close for comfort though!
The town on one side of us, got it pretty bad...then it hopped back up over us and came back down, stronger, to the other side of us.
The Arby's up the street is completely demolished.
Woe is me.
I loved Arby's french fries. They were spiced up a bit and I could actually taste them.
Ahhhh...well...what can ya do?!?

Once the siren's started blaring, I could help but sit in the hallway with Daisy and the animals that are still here and think..."Okay, we've lived here, in this house, for 7 years now...with no basement...nowhere to run and take serious cover during tornado's...and we've been lucky. Very lucky. They always seem to diminish right before our town, or move just north or south of us and pass right on by. In less than 13 days, I will be gone and Daisy will be safely living in a finished basement...hence a freakin'-frackin tornado hitting my neighborhood/house...well...that would have just pissed me right off!"

Anyhoo...so yeah...it's been a crazy, emotional week/weekend.
Finally done sifting through everything.
Seeing all my neighbors come and go at the sale got me to thinking about saying goodbye to everyone next week and what I want to say to people.
I know I won't be saying goodbye forever, but still.
I realized that some of the people, I'm gonna have to chicken-peck a little letter too, because if I start to speak, I'll just cry and won't be able to get out what I wanna say.
So yeah, I've been a blubbering mess.
Especially today.
Moby is supposed to leave today. So that has me really on edge.
Nothing has really been resolved as far as his traveling is concerned.
We have to drive him all the way out to the airport this afternoon and they will decide then and there, as to whether or not they will allow him to travel.
Bastards.
Don't they know I HATE THE IN-BETWEEN TIME??
I'm a planner. I have to know things dagnabit!

Next up: I lost something very, very, very, very, very important and precious to me last July, that belonged to my Nana and it's seriously weighed on my mind every, single day since then. I actually didn't know if I'd lost it completely, or if I'd tucked it away somewhere safe and then couldn't remember where that place was...or if I dreamed that I'd tucked it away somewhere safe, etc. Freakin' medicines.

Every single day, since the day we realized it was time to move on from this place, I have woken up and whispered to my Nana's soul, "Please Nana, don't let me leave this house for good without finding it. Please." I know. I'm crazy that way...comes with the brand.
Good news is...I found it!
And I'm relieved and thrilled and happy and a little more at peace now.

Lastly, I'm going to provide another link (The Journey: What You Can Do) to Lizard Eater's blog and copy/paste a post of hers below, (for all two of you! LOL), just in case the link doesn't work for someone else along the way.
It's a brilliant, brilliant idea.
Just think of the goodness YOU can spread if you make this a daily practice, instead of just a one-time-thing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday, May 03, 2008

What You Can Do
Thank you for all of the prayers and the requests to help. Please don't think I've been avoiding the latter, or blowing off the offers of beads, cookies, anything. I am humbled by your offers and have been giving some serious thought to what we need.
You know what I need?
A way to explain to LW when she's older that even though I empathically do NOT believe this happened for a reason ... short of finding the cure for all cancer, there could not be a reason that would justify this happening to her ... even though this didn't happen for a reason, good still sprang from it. As good can spring from heartbreaking situations.
At the risk of sounding like a lifetime movie or a book by Mitch Albom ... I want to give her a book of good deeds done in her name.
So, my friends ... you asked, here's my answer.
Do a good deed, one you wouldn't ordinarily do. Give a banana to the homeless guy, take a Starbucks gift card to a nurse and ask her to give it to a Mom or Dad who really needs it. Mow someone's lawn.
And then tell me about it.
You can post it here, or post it on your blog and send me the link. Or email it to lizardeater at gmail dot com.
I'll compile all those and get a book printed.
And when she's old enough to ask, "Why?" I'll explain that there is no why. But that good things can still result. And that there were a whole bunch of people sending her love, and the way they showed that love was through action.
Posted by Lizard Eater at 9:41am

Hope everyone is well:)

2008-04-29T11:36:00.005-05:00

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
~ Tom Clancy

I think this is why I used to love to read so much.
Now, I can't read. Not like I used to. I can't keep up anymore.
I have to restart, whenever I stop because I can't remember 'key' things the way I used to.
Which is why I use to love my Reader's Digest subscription so much.
I could get lost in little tid-bits of reality, that more often than not, end well.

And reality, well...that I don't want to keep up with most times.
I'd rather throw myself to the floor like a three year old having a temper-tantrum and deny it instead.
Of course, that gets one nowhere really quick, so I don't.

I was feeling half-way good about things and indifferent about other things.
As is par the course for me, I suppose.
Don't think I wrote about here, so I do a little 'fill-in' before I rant.
There's been trouble on the horizon as far as getting Moby overseas.
Animals aren't permitted to travel when the temperature's are over 85 degree's.
Makes perfect sense. Probably made even more perfect sense whatever year it was made an official Animal Welfare Act or Law or whathaveyou.
It's a little confusing now though.
The airlines, state that the animals are kept in a climate controlled facility, prior to their flight. They are then transferred to a climate controlled section of the plane for the flight and upon arrival of their destination, they are again transferred to another climate controlled facility until someone picks them up.
So, apparently the big deal about the high temperature, is that window of minutes when the animal is taken to or from the facility to the plane and back.
The problem we've had, is that the policy apparently goes by whatever the mid-day high temperature is...
Brilliant...if the animal is departing or arriving during said mid-day high temperature.
Why this reasoning still applies to animals that are arriving in the early morning hours or night-time hours...you know...when the freaking temperatures aren't mid-day high...is the problem we're having.
So the dead-end we've currently hit is that the final decision, rests with one person at the airline, that decides whether or not, it is safe for the animal to fly.
Nobody at the airline, seems to know this persons name.
Morons.
So we'll see.
That's where it's at.
The only good news this whole process involves, is a wee-little bit of progress on my part.
I've been very, very stressed. About everything.
And it got to a point that TheRammerHammer actually said the words, "Let me fight this fight for you, Peg."
I was stunned. I didn't know what to say or how to respond, at first. I've never had anyone say those words to me. E.v.e.r.
Certainly not ever in a romantic relationship.
And it took a couple of hours of reckoning in my head and my heart.
But I did it.
I.Let.Go.
It's the first time, in my life...I have ever let go.
Which got me to thinking that at first, I haven't exhaled in almost two years.
Then I realized, that I really haven't exhaled my entire life.
I moved out when I was 16. It was me against the world.
Then I had Daisy, and not long after that...it was she and I against the world.
And even when I was married to S...it didn't turn out to be what a marriage is supposed to be...so I was still fighting for two.
Now I'm in uncharted territory.
And I kinda like the way it feels.
I know that life still won't be perfect and that it will still be filled with trials and tribulations all along the way...but I feel as if I might actually collapse into TheRammerHammer's arms on the 15th...I feel like, for the first time in my life...I will be able to exhale.

Which leads to my next topic...a suck ass topic.
I can't testify about other diseases, but cancer can be very confusing.
Once you have it and go through all the bullshit...you come to a point, or at least I did, where I started bouncing back and forth about the future.
You get tired of the poking and the prodding...and it feels as if there is a monkey on your back named 'cancer'... that is just waiting for the right time to pounce again and you instinctively know that 'the right time' will be the exact time you let your guard down...
So there are times when you can't wait for your scans, because you just know in your heart that they will be okay.
Then there are other times, when you dread them, and even reschedule them...because you hate that freakin' monkey and the power that it holds and the only way you can take the power back is to not know and not care about knowing and just let life take whatever course it is going to take without the input and intervention of medicine and technology.
Which is where I am right now.
I look at myself in the mirror every, single day and feel the pain I feel and I can't help but ask myself out loud, "What on earth did you let these people pump into you?"
Irrationally, I don't want to do anything else. No more doctors. No more medicines.
I feel as if my body fought what they were doing, fought the medicine and what the medicine was supposed to do and came out of menopause for a reason.
I want a normal life back.
TheRammerHammer and I have spoke of perhaps having another child someday.
Been thinking about finding out what the effects of all of the crap they've already pumped into me, might have on a future pregnancy and if it's possible to conceive and carry to term...
Or perhaps finding out if it is possible than to proceed further and then discuss and make a plan for more medicine afterwards...
And today, I find confirmation of something terrible.
Something I didn't comment about...or I couldn't bring myself to comment about...until it was for sure, one way or the other.
Lizard Eater's daughter, Little Warrior, has been re diagnosed.
And it breaks my heart. And it infuriates me.
It's not fucking fair.
It makes me realize and have to accept (once again, because I bounce back and forth) that a normal life will never again be possible.
I knew this a long time ago...I used to tell people that there were no "survivor's".
You hear of people getting cancer, going through cancer, fighting cancer, in remission from cancer and then you hear of them losing their battle with cancer.
It's just a matter of freakin' time before the other shoe drops...and you can get comfortable or not get comfortable with the time in between...but the damn thing always drops.
And I can handle that.
For me.
But not for Little Warrior. Not for any child.
It's not fucking fair.
And I hate it.
And then to read LE's words of, 'Why not me?"
Breaks my heart even more.
I can't help but want to scream at the damn computer screen, "NO! NOT YOU EITHER LIZARD EATER! WHY NOT ME?"
Children don't deserve this.
And mother's of little one's don't deserve this!
I've already had a long life.
And yes, a child always needs their mother, no matter how old they get, but my daughter is 18 now...she's ready to start her own life...
Little Warrior has her whole life ahead of her...and she and her siblings are young and they need their mother now.
And it's not fucking fair.
And even though I stand firm in my beliefs, or in what I don't believe in anymore, I guess would be more appropriate...I'm in awe of Lizard Eater.
I admire her strength and never-wavering faith in her g-d.
I don't know how she does it or where she finds the strength to do so.
But she should be nominated for some kind of an award or recognized in her church somehow.
And Little Warrior...well dammit...she doesn't deserve this crap at all...and I wish, I wish, I wish I could take it all away.
And I know I can't.
And it's not fucking fair.

2008-04-27T11:28:00.011-05:00

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
~ Rainer Marie Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

I can only hope.
And I do, in a lot of ways.
And in other ways, I'm already 100% sure.
Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled and thankful and excited about going...it's just other things happening around here that I'm not understanding right now.
It's just hard.

This is what I have out in front of my house:

My house. It's weird that I won't be able to say those two words in the same sentence pretty soon. Anyhoo...yeah...it's killing me to walk past the empty garden everyday.
This is what it used to look like, right before winter:

No mulch to be seen. Just the way I like it.
No point in pouring money I don't have anyway, into sprucing it back up, only to leave in three weeks though.
The RammerHammer is probably going to think I'm crazy, but one of the first two boxes I have ready to be shipped to me contains a couple of planter pots, some potting soil and seeds. We'll have a balcony over there and a bare balcony just simply won't do. It will need some green and other asorted colored flowers. Seeing as how expenses will be tight for awhile...I'm coming prepared.
That's how I roll.

I'm going to miss these too:

Yeah. I don't think enticing squirrels to our balcony will be an option, but perhaps a few birds will come and visit every now and again. Time will tell.
What sucks is that thanks to the present circumstances, I'm already missing these things.
Needless to say, I've been feeding them for seven years now, so there are some very confused birds and squirrels in my tree's. And I don't like to look out my front window anymore.

On another note of missing...but in a good way, these two boys went to their new forever home yesterday:

They went together though thankfully. I love when that happens with siblings! They were the resident clowns here though, so I already miss their goofyness.

Still haven't found anyone to foster the infamous Ozwald until September. Fast approaching freak-out-mode.

That's it for today. Not very exciting huh. Sorry.
Hope everyone is well.

2008-04-21T06:05:00.004-05:00

We can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: by doing a deed; by experiencing a value; and by suffering.
~ Victor Frankl

The experience:

It's been a busy, busy, sleepless week here at Casa Crazy.
SarahJaneThePain had her second child. Shorter labor than the last, but it was a tough one and Floyd ended up making his healthy appearance via a c-section. Mama and baby are doing just fine, thank goodness, and Daisy is a proud, proud Aunt.

Next up...The deed:
Only me. I swear.
When they finally decided the c-section was going to happen, I knew I had an hour window of prep-time...which meant I could run home and let the pack out to potty. We hadn't been home in almost 12 hours, granted it was overnight, so they aren't used to pottying during that time anyway...but they are all on a serious wake-up-and-potty-first-thing-at-5am schedule. I thought for sure that since they were 3 hours past that point, that there might just be a mess or two to clean up, understandably so.
But nay...I have the best pack this side of the Mississippi.
It's like they knew there wouldn't be any time at all for that little scenario.
Because on the way home, I found this little girl (Ally) running around like a key-stone cop in the middle of an intersection, at the entrance to the highway.

Yep. As par the course, I was the idiot that demanded my ride slam on the brakes, so that I could dart into the middle of said intersection and hope like hell she was friendly and willing to accept some help.
She was.
She turned out to be an adorable, little Cockapoo.
I've never been around one, nor had the pleasure of seeing one up close and personal.
Seriously...the people that opted to combine these two breeds couldn't have come up with a better name than Cockapoo??
But ohhhhh...the long, curly, softest fur I've ever felt!
Since Casa Crazy was mess-free...this enabled me to quickly introduce her to each dog, which went smooth as new born babies butt (I had to go there, somewhere inside, I think you knew I would!)... because if I haven't said it already, I have the BEST PACK THIS SIDE OF THE MISSISSIPPI!
She had a collar but no tags.
WHY PEOPLE? WHHHHHYYYYYY???
A tag is $2.50 at most pet stores and it takes less than 10 minutes to make one...
So verily, I ask yet again...WHHHHHHHYYYYYY?
I was however, still hopeful of finding her rightful owners, as she had recently been trimmed and she didn't stink, hence she wasn't an outside only dog.
I didn't have time to worry about that though...so I left her playing with RolyPolyMoby and headed back for the hospital.
Later that afternoon, once home, I started calling the local vet offices in the city that I found her in, to give them a description of her and my phone number...first one I called, had a match for me of an owner that was calling around with her 'lost' information.
And as luck would have it, the owner actually lived about 4 minutes from me...so it was a short and sweet reunion and Daisy and I were finally off to la-la land after almost 30 hours of no sleep.

And finally, the sweet, sweet suffering:

This is Luanne and although her story starts off awful rocky, it has a very happy ending.
We have caves around here...caves that trucking businesses love to inhabit because the cost of cooling and heating is essentially little to nothing, among other reasons.
This little stray girl, found a way into one section of the local caves and had a fun time of setting off the business alarms at all hours of the day and night.
Seeing as how, after the third false alarm, most cities begin charging a fee...the owners of the trucking companies decided to give a $500 bonus to the trucker that was able to able to hit and/or catch and kill her.
::::insert insulting vulgar name-calling here::::
At this point, a secretary, was able to get ahold of her and drove her to the nearest vet office, who inturn, called me.
I've had her for about 2 months now...a little love, we bonded right off the bat.
Yeah...she got adopted this past weekend.
A wonderful, wonderful family with two young girls that will brush her and give her more love than I could have ever hoped for.
Bittersweet, this rescuing business is...but I'd rather be in it, than the trucking business.
I'd surely be in jail for killing someone, if the circumstances were different!
Incidentally...the secretary's name was Luanne;)

2008-04-14T18:34:00.004-05:00

There are days when I swear I could fly like an eagle
And dark desperate hours that nobody sees
My arms stretched triumphant on top of the mountain
My head in my hands...down on my knees
~ J. Bon Jovi, B. Falcon

Today, my arms are stretched out... although I'm not quite on top of a mountain.
Better than I have been lately though.

Main problem here as of late, is the purging of my belongings.
I love Spring Cleaning. Ya feel good after Spring Cleaning.
Sifting through things and deciding the fate of said things because you have to though, is a different story altogether.

It's been a good couple of days though since the entry on the old blog.

For one thing, I realized that Coco and I haven't had a date in quite some time.
And I get sexually frustrated quite easily, which just makes everything else worse.
At least it does in my world. lol.
Suffice it to say, that I'm not anymore.
Heh heh.

Which got me to thinking, of course, how much I miss the RammerHammer.
It's been a little over three months since we've been together.
And I miss everything about him, sexually and otherwise.
But sexually speaking, I miss him. All of him.
This long distance stuff sucks major ass.
And it will suck even worse if I'm unable to join him until September.
But I cannot think about that right now.
Yeah. I miss him baaaaaaaadddddddd!
The feel of him, the sound of his voice and breathing, the touch of him, touching him.
Oy.
Everything.
All of this, of course turned me on, which led to the above aforementioned well spent time with Coco...but it also got me to thinking about blow jobs.
Yep. Blowjobs.
Let's talk about 'em for a minute, shall we?
In the words of one of my favorite comedians, whose name, thanks to chemo brain, I cannot remember...but I digress...
Blowjobs.
---"They're why 40 year old men, date 20 year old girls...
Picture the blonde, bubble head, twisting her hair casually between her fingers, with empty eyes and an even emptier brain (even emptier, well that doesn't really make sense huh? Me thinks getting away from the Midwest, might improve my grammer...at least I hope it does!) saying, "Really? Everybody does it??...Okay."
"Meanwhile, the woman that's been married to the same man for 20 years or so, is just waiting for him to slither up to her, like the reptile he has become, and make that little request, just so she can say, "Fine. But you're mowing the lawn when we're through ya bastard!"---
Yeah, I remember hearing that on a HBO special during a 2am feeding, after Daisy was born and about pee'd my pants and woke up the neighbors because I laughed so hard and so long.
But that's not the point of all this.
What I realized... is that I missed giving blowjobs.
Back at the end of the S and I, blowjobs were scarce. I just didn't feel the same about him and thus giving him blowjobs. All the lying and cheating changed everything, and I remember just feeling degraded whenever I did...so they, or should I say *I*, began slacking off and I really didn't give a shit.
Then...when the RammerHammer and I got together, the first time, I fell back on the bed in dismay and yelled, "Sonofabitch!"
Which, of course, perplexed him and he accordingly asked what was wrong.
And me, being the blunt person I am, couldn't help but comment, "That I was shocked about what a substantially HUGE Schvanschtooker he has, although at that time I believe I used the word 'cock'...and as little as I am, I certainly didn't think I would be able to fit all of him...in my mouth. Which sucked (no pun intended) because I've been known to have the ability to suck a watermelon through a garden hose."
Thankfully, it turned out not to be an issue at all...which is why we hungrily christened the new bridge in Dubai...Blowjob Bridge;)

But yeah. Damn I miss him:(
Okay. Enough of that or I'm gonna start crying and it will ruin my pretty good day thus far.

Next up: Packing.

1) Since coming out of meno-pause and having the never-ending bleedfest that I'm having, I've come to two conclusions.
A) While in meno-pause, I didn't miss menstrual cycles and all that they entail...at...all.
B) I throughly enjoyed going commando 24/7, 7 days a week, for almost 2 years straight.

What do these two things have to do with packing you ask?
Well...I'm really glad that I didn't just ditch all my thong underware and now that I'm sifting and packing...for a girl that didn't wear PANTIES (That one's just for you Beej!) for almost two years straight...I have A LOT of freaking underware!!!!

2) Before really sifting through things, last week, I pulled out my two suitcases and packed them, as if I was leaving the very next day.
This is my process of packing.
I pack weeks in advance.
Then I wait awhile and go back through again and rethink what I can live with and without, for however long I'm going to be gone.
Then I do it a third time...at which point, it's usually time to really leave, thus the suitcase is substantially lighter.
I know. Lengthy and somewhat complicated process with what most will consider unnecessary extra steps...but it works for me.
And today, I had a BIG moment. One of which to be proud...
Okay...maybe only Random will be able to understand and be proud of me...

I actually removed not one...not two...but three pairs of shoes from one of my suitcases today and put them in one of the boxes to be mailed at a later date.
Yes.
Three pairs.
Yes.
This is HUGE for me.

You see...most airlines allow two suitcases and one carry-on. I'm probably going to end up taking 3 or 4 suitcases (depending on the garage-sale income) because I'm really paranoid about mailing stuff to other countries for fear of things being forever lost.
Hence, I figure two suitcases of clothes/shoes.
Okay...mostly shoes and then whatever clothes will fit.
Stop laughing.
And one suitcase of momento's and knick-knacks and little doo-dad thing of a ma-jiggers that are important to me and one suitcase full of pictures.
Yes. Pictures.
I am a picture taking fool and I just don't trust mailing all of my pictures, fearing that they will get ruined somehow or lost.
Go ahead. Have your A-Ha moment.
This is just one of the reasons that supports the name of my new blog!

Hope everyone is well;)

2008-04-12T07:01:00.001-05:00

Arriving at one goal is the starting point to another.
~ Fyodor Dostoevski

Here I am.
Now the question is...what will I bribe Sam with to make it look all fancy-schmancy like??